I'm leaving for my family vacation next Tuesday, and I won't be able to post the OFST for the next 2 Fridays. If you are willing to sub for me, FReepmail me and I'll send you my ping list. Thank you. And Merry Christmas/Happy New Year fellow FReeper FRiends!!!
Good morning!
I have hard copies of these somewhere. Loooooove these!!
2-2-2012
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.
The other involves a groundhog.
TGIF
Top 20?!?
Woohooo! Friday!!!
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall most of the afternoon, when suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had “disappeared.”
Irate, she called her husband’s cell and demanded “Where the hell are you ?”
“Darling, remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and remember that I didn’t have the money at the time and said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day.”
Somewhat embarrassed and with a blushing smile, she replied “Yes. I remember that, my love.”
“Well, I’m in the bar next to that store.”
.
Best pole dancer ever - not that kind of pole dancing.
Starts out a little slow but then really heats up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waIuhfoTMv8
_____
Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving
questions about my dog who mauled six illegal aliens
wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing
Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers, nine teenagers with
pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer
service desk people speaking in broken English,
three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.
FOR THE LAST TIME:
THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE.
_____
Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam in California
Dear Sam,
Register as a Republican, and run for public office.
Abby
_____
Dear Abby:
The other night on my way home I stopped
in at the neighborhood tavern for a drink.
When I left someone shouted after me,
“You filthy $lut!”
What should I do?
Desperate
Dear Desperate:
Stop hanging out where they know you.
_____
The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
There is one I would really like to try (I think it is No. 13); but how do you get the girl to stand in one place like that until Christmas?
Old Butch
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.
Clearly old Butch was a Democrat in the making. Who else but a Democrat could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
VOTE CAREFULLY THIS YEAR, THE BELLS ARE NOT ALWAYS AUDIBLE!!!