[Lucky9teen]

Tonight I walked into the Fedex Kinkos store on Calhoun Street here in Charleston, SC to print our Christmas cards, only to have the clerk, Tammy Johnson, reject my order as obscene.

We Cringelys are known for our Christmas cards, I admit, because we make them ourselves and we’re naked. The tradition began by accident and now our cards are so popular friends remind us to send them.  Making naked Christmas cards that are tasteful isn’t easy, either, but we do it.  With three little boys you can only go  so long until they begin to realize they are, well, naked.  That leads in our family not so much to protestations of modesty as to demands for bribes. The price of this year’s photo session was $2 worth of sour gummy worms per kid. Yum.

This is the second year in a row we’ve been rejected by Kinkos. “I remember you,” said Ms. Johnson, handing back my USB drive with a look of disdain. It was hard for me to tell whether this was a different look of disdain from the one I got when Ms. Johnson had to put down her cellphone to serve me in the first place.

I appealed last year’s rejection to the store manager, a man. After all Kinkos — the very same Kinkos — had happily printed our cards the previous four years. We were posing last year in a fishing boat, wearing life vests, strategic shadows, and nothing else. “I see something there, ” said the manager, pointing at what would have been the groin of my six year-old if it hadn’t been well-hidden behind a light on the boat.

“What do you see?” I asked.

“You know,” he said.

“It’s a navigation light,” I said.

“I don’t think so.”

“It’s green,” I said. “It’s a green navigation light.”

Our cards show nothing. They are just for fun. Summer vacation photos that families print at the same store show more — lots more — than our cards ever do.

When we were rejected last year I was working two days per week in San Francisco, so I had the cards printed there at another Kinkos, South of Market. I told the whole rejection/obscenity story to the pierced and tattooed San Francisco Kinkos counterman, who found it hilarious. He threw-in a few extra cards for free.

The U. S. Supreme Court allowed years ago that obscenity standards could vary based on “local values,” but such values have to be uniformly applied. If a Fedex Kinkos in Charleston will print a picture of a girl in a bikini or a boy with his shirt off, then they should print my Christmas cards.

I’ll be calling Fred Smith, the founder of FedEx, in the morning. If enough of you tell your friends about this column before then, maybe Fred will be expecting my call.

Here’s the picture. What do you think?

[Monkey Face]

IBTP!!!!

[Rummyfan]

WOO HOO! TOP FIVE!!!!

[Lucky9teen]

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[Shimmer1]

Hilarious

[ShadowAce]

Woohoo!!! It’s Friday!!!

[FroggyTheGremlim]

Top Ten!

[Rummyfan]

And remember:

GO ARMY - BEAT NAVY!!!!

[pikachu]

[TSgt]

[Berlin_Freeper]

The Ultimate Eggnog

The Ultimate Christmas Mix

[ErnBatavia]

Top twenty.....all up and staged this morning; neighbor pal going in for hernia surgery and his wife has "most important day of the year" at work, so I'm the designated driver/nurse.

Having had this surgery on bofe sides my ownself, I feel kinda sorry for the poor sap a little later this afternoon and evening.

[JRios1968]

Here’s the picture. What do you think?

I think Laz approves of the Mom...

[Currentriverrat]

wooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooo TGIF

[Dr. Thorne]

bump

[verga]

Top 20

[upchuck]

Boo-Hiss to FedEx/Kinkos. Have you tried the UPS Store?

[Rightly Biased]

Well I can’t see most of your Christmas cards today durn firewall.

the Fedex/Kinko’s story is a hoot though.

[Sax]

[motivated]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn’t know what to call her so we named her “Pussycat.”

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks..” He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’, and my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-O’.

They love to hate each other and constantly ‘snipe’ at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD’s waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, “Your wife’s pu-ssy doesn’t stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God only knows who the father is!” Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!....
_____

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street when they come to a Catholic church with a sign that reads, “Convert to Catholicism and get $10.” One of the men stops and stares at the sign. “Abe,” he says, “I’m thinking of doing it.” With that, he strides purposefully into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed. “So,” asks Abe, “did you get your $10?” Murray looks up at him and asks, “Is that all you people can think about?”

[Rummyfan]

It’s borderline.... but I have to say Mom looks damn good!