Advice and Prayers for troubled kid

12-03-2011 | self

[Last Conservative in MoCo]

I'll be honest: I just signed up today with a new name because I'm too ashamed to use the one I've been using on FR since early 2001. I'm asking for advice and prayers.

I'm a single (unwillingly divorced) mother, on my own for many years. Firstborn is doing very well in life. Younger kid is 17. He has always been a good, sweet, affectionate boy. Average intelligence, but kind of held back by a learning disability. Basically a B/C student if he tries hard. His scoutmaster, who is a former Marine colonel, his JROTC commander, his employers, neighbors, other kids' parents, teachers, everybody thought he was great. The Scoutmaster and JROTC commander both thought he'd be a very fine young officer with real leadership potential. He was really no trouble. We have been a churchgoing family, so I thought I could trust him and that he had learned good ethics.

Partly because his dad left a long time ago, my son has always felt as though he had to be the man of the house so he was even more interested than most kids in weapons and the military. He planned to enlist in the army after he turns 18 next May, when he graduates from high school. It's all he cares about in life. He doesn't have huge talents at anything else a person could do for a living. The promise of being able to join the army has been the carrot that's been dangled in front of his nose to keep him on track toward high school graduation. There was nothing anyone could do to get him interested in college before the Army. No, he was going in the US Army and kick him some hadji butt! He lived for the day he could go fight for his country. Kept assuring me seriously that he'd never do anything to mess up his chance to join the service. Such a great kid--I was so proud of him, and all the medals and honors he won for his great ROTC performance.

Yesterday afternoon a pair of police detectives came to my house. They showed me security camera photos of my son and two of his 18-year-old friends as they were burglarizing some nearby construction trailers in the middle of the night. They did a lot of damage in the course of breaking in, as well as stupid vandalism, and they took some expensive electronic equipment. Some other stuff had been taken--low-cost things I had seen in his bedroom, which he told me he bought. There was absolutely no question he did it. On the nights these crimes took place he was supposed to be spending the night at his best buddy's house.

He was with his father then, so I called his father, who talked to the cops and agreed to bring him into the police station. The cops talked to all of us. Apparently this has been going on for a few months with several episodes. The other kids are in worse trouble because they're 18, but they're all dumb kids, immature and very boy-like for their ages. I hadn't realized his other friends were eighteen.

All the parents thought we were doing the right thing and supervising our kids carefully, raising them right, praying with them and for them, but we weren't; we got outsmarted and lied to.

Things are very tough for me and my ex-husband, and I have no spare savings at all for fancy lawyers. I am out of work and broke, and my home business is not making any money. This is going to wreck us.

The cops say that a good attitude, real contrition, and a commitment to make restitution are important. The damage these idiots did was extensive and may run into five figures so restitution is not going to be easy, especially for a kid who has a criminal record that will make getting a job very hard. Since our son is a minor, the company whose stuff these fools vandalized could sue us, the parents. But ideally, with the right judge, the record will be sealed by the time he turns 18 and no one would know about it. I hope so. A felony conviction is kind of the end of hope of having a decent job and a decent life.

I don't know about a military career now, though. Not sure if they military can or will ask about former crimes when he applies to enlist. That's assuming he even can graduate from high school now.

His father is calm and logical. I am a wreck, crying sometimes, filled with utter horror that a boy I thought was a good, dear person could have done something so deeply wrong, several times. Also trying to figure out how I could have been stupid enough to think the boys were just playing XBox games when they were together. (That's what they were doing whenever they were at my house.)

Oh, one more thing: my stupid kid sprayed a racial slur on the walls of the shack they broke into. So now maybe the state's attorney is going to consider this a hate crime.

I have NO intention of sheltering my son or being an enabler or protecting him from the consequences of his crime, but on the other hand I don't want his life wrecked forever by stupidity committed when he was 17. Is it possible to have punishment in balance?

So please don't beat up on me, I'm already suffering enough. If anyone has suggestions or can spare a prayer for us, please. We need all the help we can get. Thoughts and ideas are welcome.

[jocon307]

“No one among my friends would understand.”

I doubt that is true. If you have a true friend they will understand what you are going through, or even if they don’t actually “understand” it, they will still be supportive of you, if they are true friends.

I think the points that everyone is making about lawyers are very important. And yes, I think even a public defender can be a very good lawyer, I agree with what the other poster said about how the PDs deal with the prosecutors EVERY DAY. If you can’t afford a very excellent defense attorney you are probably better off with a public defender than with some inexperienced and unfamiliar (to the prosecutors) attorneys.

That said, I also agree with those who warn about your son being railroaded. Legally, the best thing for him is that he is still a juvenile. This was not a crime of violence so do your utmost to prevent him from being “upgraded” to an adult.

I also agree with the other poster who advised to let Dad take the lead.

I also wouldn’t have your son go talk to the victim or anyone else until you talk to the attorney. But later, yes, he probably should do that.

“I’m sorry” sincerely said still carries a lot of weight in this world.

Because we’ve all had to say it ourselves and we know what it means.

[MonicaG]

Amen. Thank you Walkingfeather.

[MonicaG]

Search his heart and lead him Father. Please. You said if we gather before you, You will answer. We stand on this. We see him as an officer in the military; Please let this be.

Amen and amen.

[nfldgirl]

How true. It took a month having to stay in a rescue mission to wake up my 19 year old son to see where he was headed because of drug use. I thank God for getting hold of his heart during that time and having his eyes opened big and wide to where he was headed.

Well, after that one month (in VA, March-April 2009), he came back home to SC and has moved forward in the right direction ever since...even just got married in October to a lovely, sweet young lady and is pursuing his dream of one day becoming a chef.

Hang in there Mom. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, to let go emotionally of your children...to let God take control of the situation and trust that HE will work His perfect will out in your son's life. I pray you find comfort in God's peace and that you'll trust Him to lead the way with your son.

[vanilla swirl]

I can relate so much. I will pray for you and your son.
I have been through the divorce and remarriage and subsequent teenage rebellion. Reading some of these responses reminds me that we live in a different time than 40 years ago. Don’t protect him but do whatever you can to keep him out of the “system”.

It’s a shame that you had to protect your identity. Says volumes about some of the people here =(

[don-o]

Lots of good advice. Were it my son, which it well could be, I would try the suggestion that he approach the people he burglarized. I believe it was a construction company.

Offer to go to work for them and have all of his earnings withheld by the company until the damage was repaid.

iow, he goes to work every day, but his paycheck will always be zero. Sounds like you would be willing to feed and house him. Perhaps even offer an extra year to make it a win (free labor) for the company.

[sr4402]

Yes, you are wise to ask for prayers for your son; it is the wisest thing a parent can do.

Sin has broken out and God is in the business of dealing with sin. So don't go beating yourself up and do go pour out your feelings to God in Prayer and do entrust your son to Him.

After all, he is a grown man now and you are entering the phase of life where you will encounter grown kid issues and am sure you did not think his life would be a bed of roses.

The Apostle Paul says "Everything by Prayer and Supplication". May that be your motto and as much as possible to reduce the head to knee time to zero.

You are a wise mother and I commend you!

[don-o]

I also wouldn’t have your son go talk to the victim or anyone else until you talk to the attorney.

I would not disagree, though I would tell the attorney of the idea to deal directly with the victim.

It sounds like the kid is caught red handed and it sounds like a slam dunk if the case goes to trial, absent some foot fault in arrest or processing procedure. Most FReepers routinely scream bloody murder when a perp walks under those circumstances.

The suggestion of repayment to the victim is the Biblical solution and even if it does not work out, obedience has been shown. From that beginning, God's blessing and assistance will come forth.

[tiki]

If he has already admitted it to the police then giving a personal apology would be a great idea.

[PowderMonkey]

Redemption. It's knocking on his door. Many years ago while working for a foreign affairs agency, I was involved with conducting a background investigation of an older gent being processed for a security clearance. Though gray haired and of advanced years, there was a rocky hardness to his features. His hands were covered in jailhouse tattoos; old, blue-black, and smudged with the passage of time. He explained how he came to acquire them. As a teenager in the 1950s he ran with a dangerous crowd involved with vandalism and breaking and entering. Predictably, they took to robbing liquor stores and gas stations. He was caught, tried, and convicted of armed robbery. While in the state penitentiary, he'd come to realize the damage done not only to himself, but to others; most notably, how he'd broken his mother's heart. With the intercession of the prison chaplain, he'd slowly made his way back to the point where he sat with me in my office that day; a grandfather, a retired professor with a PhD in agricultural economics, helping Third World villagers develop irrigation systems. A man with old jailhouse tattoos and a small shining cruciform on his lapel. Take heart, mother.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." - Revelation 3:20

[momtothree]

I wish I had some advice concerning the military but I have no expertise whatsoever in that. However, is it possible for you and your ex to sit down together.. rationally and discuss this situation? I realize that ex-relationships can be explosive but I am hoping if the two of you can make a plan together.... this won’t be resting entirely on your shoulders. That being said, I would stop the contact IMMEDIATELY from your son and his other two friends. Your son deceived you by saying he was at a friend’s home and playing XBox. In short, you can’t trust him at his word right now. I would also check his room for drugs or other material. By check... I mean I would pull up the mattress, pull out the drawers, check every shoe/box/container/bag. I would want to be sure in my mind that other issues aren’t at hand. Finally, I will definitely keep you and your son in my prayers. I will say WalkingFeather’s prayer since it is so beautiful and meaningful. Hang in there, Last Conservative.

[ozarkgirl]

Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it.

Having one wild child, I have gone back to this verse many times. It does not say he won't detour at times, it says "when he is old he will not depart from it". He's finally 30 and he's back on track, back to the son I was always proud of, but it was a crazy 10 years before he straightened up!

[Its About the Gas Stupid]

Praying for you and your son that you will sense God's mercy and grace.The youthful years so different now days or are they? I pray for your son to remain faithful and hopeful and not lose heart. God bless you, may His love for you bring you comfort and strength.And that you may know that God is for you and your son.

[Last Conservative in MoCo]

So last night at ten p.m. I was stumbling around in a field in the countryside, with tears streaming down my face due to a lot of confused emotions, one of which I admit was an unChristian fear. I loudly and repeatedly begged God to help us. When I came home I wrote Post #1, and within a few minutes you had all started to help. You are all the answer to my prayer. Must be a nice feeling to know you’re doing God’s specific will! Thank you all.

Yes, my ex and I have a very good relationship and work together well for the sake of our children, so we are in basic agreement.

[momtothree]

“... my ex and I have a very good relationship and work together well for the sake of our children”.

That is a very good thing! This fear and decision making isn’t yours alone. Personally, I wouldn’t hide my tears from your son. He needs to see them and feel them. IMHO, being told that what you did was “wrong” and seeing the pain it is causing you are two very different things. My prayers are with you, Last Conservative. This is a very difficult time for your family and God will help you through this.

[antisocial]

Wow, I will be praying for you and your son.

You might be able to get some advice or other help from these folks: http://calfarley.org/Pages/default.aspx

They have had a great many successes over the years.

[fatima]

Hi Last Conservative in MoCo,You and your family will be in our prayers in a special way on Tuesday.I have 6 children,one is with God.My advice is personal.First sit down with him and tell him you forgive him.Ask him what drugs he is using.Ask him to honest with you about his future plans-he might feel pushed in a certain direction.Do not blame the Father and work together for your child.It’s none of your friends business so hold this close.Trust me they have stuff going on.Accept him for who he is and not what people want him to be.((((Hugs))))God bless,Fatima

[notpoliticallycorewrecked]

Okay it is past Tuesday. We need an update about what happened in court.

[Last Conservative in MoCo]

I’m sorry for not providing an update. We’re still waiting to find out what’s going on.

My ex-husband and I been told by a lawyer that the juvenile justice system here is not really anxious to throw a kid with no previous problems into the legal meatgrinder. There will be a meeting with us (the parents) and juvenile authorities to discuss the charges and what should be done. There are apparently some positive options that would involve avoiding a criminal record altogether. If this can be worked out, then there would be no difficulty about my son going into the Marines.

The hate crime accusation is another issue, however. Especially here, in an area where CAIR is very active. This is what worries me the most.

My son and his friends together decided to write letters of apology to the construction company, and my boy wrote to the man he had insulted. I was not present at this event, but I have it on good authority that these tough construction workers (normal American working men) sat down with the boys and heard them out, and the meeting went well. Not sure how the Muslim guy took it. Turns out he’s an American.

Anyway, nobody’s in jail yet. The cops may be continuing with their investigation. I could call the investigating detective but I’m procrastinating due to a fear of hearing unpleasant news.

Some of you who are LEOs and military or ex-military may think it’s not a good idea for a boy like this to join the armed forces. I think it would be good for him and is just the sort of thing he needs. In the past six months he has lost some men who meant a great deal to him and provided him with strong guidance; he loved these guys, all military men, and they were a great force for good in his life. He went off the rails after they were gone. The structure of the USMC could be very helpful to him. He does want to serve his country.

Thanks all for caring and for your prayers. Your advice has lightened my load and dried some of my tears. Will report back when I have some firm information.

[Salvation]

**lawyer that the juvenile justice system here is not really anxious to throw a kid with no previous problems into the legal meatgrinder**

I did and he turned 180 degress around. He is the attorney of the family!

My husband died when he was nine, so I went through some similar, but not quite to harrowing experiences.

Prayers for you.