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Posted on 08/01/2011 2:29:55 AM PDT by JustAmy
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My cup runneth over. Thanks to all of you for your kindness to me. Post more later, can’t right now.
An elderly man in Tennessee had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple
and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, since he hadn’t
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women in bikinis in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim
or make you get out of the pond in your small bikinis.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
(Some old men can still think fast.)
One rainy morning, my mother went for her daily run. As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the driveway. I called the paramedics. When they arrived, they asked my mom some questions to determine her coherency. "What is today?" inquired one man. Without hesitation, Mom replied, "Trash day."
"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."
Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit. "What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!" "That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."
According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we'll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change.
Playpen
The young mom was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, “They’re driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I’m half way to the funny farm.”
“What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself,” her friend said.
So she bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
“Superb! I can’t believe it,” the young mother said.
“I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don’t bother me for hours!”
Doctor’s Help?
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this.”
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. “I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.”
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The Doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.” He sputtered.
“On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me world of good.”
“But you threw the wine in my face again!” The bartender exclaimed.
“Yes.” The man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore!”
Eat Chocolate?
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.
So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!
Math Class
The test I gave my math class covered everything we’d studied all year — fractions, percentages and portions of whole units.
But maybe I could have explained things better. To the question “What portion of a foot is six inches?”
One student answered, “The toes?”
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Lamh Foistenach Abu!
Thank you!
Sometimes I am ashamed of my prayers. Too often I hear myself using familiar phrases that are more like mindless filler than thoughtful, intimate interaction. One phrase that annoys me, and that I think might offend God, is “Lord, be with me.” In Scripture, God has already promised not to leave me.
God made this promise to Joshua just before he led the Israelites into the Promised Land (Josh. 1:5). The author of Hebrews later claimed it for all believers: “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (13:5). In both cases, the context indicates that God’s presence has to do with giving us the power to carry out His will, not our own will, which is generally what I have in mind in my prayers.
When we are doing God’s will, He will be with us even without our asking. If we’re not doing His will, we need to ask for His forgiveness, change our course, and follow Him.
Read: Joshua 1:1-9
Thank you!
Sooo cute!!
Prayers up my FRiend, nothing is to big for HIM to remove. We pray oh, Lord, father of us all that you will remove this cancer from our dear, dear, friend. Earthly doctors may give up, but we know YOU are the most powerful physician in the universe and nothing is beyond Your power. In the name of Your Son, our Savior, Amen.
Wonderful prayer, Gail! Thank you.
Ran out of dog shampoo for the pooches, and used the new 18 hr Old Spice sports body wash/shampoo on them...they smelled good for 2 weeks..unlike the 2 days I got out of the dog shampoo, and they quite scratching so much to boot.
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