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Posted on 06/30/2011 10:09:07 PM PDT by JustAmy
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Here's another--
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
from The Wisdom of Weinie~
Thank you for the precious graphic. You’re doing great on your framing now. No I didn’t do the lovely framing on mine...wish I could have. I found that in my files and don’t think I’ve ever used it. And I know there’s a lot more there that I could run across if I tried harder.
Have a great Sunday if you can!
Lamh Foistenach Abu!
Medical Term Needed
The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“OK,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
Mother Teresa and God
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. “Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?” asked God.
“I could eat,” Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand it...”
God sighed. “Let’s be honest Teresa,” He said, “for just two people, it doesn’t pay to cook.”
Country song titles
Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries:
- Ain’t No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out
- You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa
- Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart
- I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day
- She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn’t Choose Me
- The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn’t Cling To Me For Long
- Don’t Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi
- I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf
- Now That We’re Miserable, I Hope You’re Happy
It’s a Girl
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild’s birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.
“I’m a grandmother!” I declared. “It’s a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds.”
“When was she born?” someone asked.
Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, “Tomorrow!”
“Everywhere I go, I am asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that it doesn’t stifle enough of them.”
~ Flannery O’Connor
“Morning People”
I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.
“Hi!” exclaimed my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.
“Mom,” I interrupted. “It’s five in the morning.”
“Really? What are you doing up so early?”
Curious Chimp
Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species.
Curious, he asks the chimp, “What’s with the books?”
The chimp replies, “I’m trying to decide whether I’m my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
“Why do people who know the least know it the loudest”
“Lecturing is transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.”
“Forgiveness and Temptation”
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. ‘Lead us not into temptation.
“Living History Museum”
Marv took his family to visit a living history museum, which included seeing houses and stores that were more than one hundred years old.
After they entered an old one-room schoolhouse Marv pointed to a desk that had an empty hole for an ink bottle.
“What do you think this hole was for?” he asked his kids.
His twelve-year-old son Martin replied, “It’s a Coke can holder.”
“May thy ball lie in green pastures ... and not in still waters.”
Texas officer killed when fleeing vehicle hits him
BEAUMONT, Texas - A Texas man has been charged with capital murder after police say he intentionally drove his fleeing sport utility vehicle into the patrol car of an officer, who was struck and killed.
Bond was set at $250,000 Saturday for 30-year-old John Wesley Nero of Beaumont in Southeast Texas. He remained in a hospital in serious condition for injuries he sustained in the Friday night crash.
Beaumont Police Chief Frank Coffin said 36-year-old Officer Bryan Mitchell Hebert (HE’-burt) was retrieving road spikes from his trunk to try to stop the SUV when the vehicle struck the patrol car head-on, pushing it into the officer.
Hebert, who served 10 years with the department, was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Police say the suspect had assaulted his mother and grandmother Friday evening.
ATTITUDE
by: Charles Swindoll
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.
“As you wish that men would do to you, do so to them.” Luke 6:31
ENTERTAINING ANGELS
It was fifty years ago, on a hot summer day, in the deep south.
We lived on a dirt road, on a sand lot. We were, what was known as “dirt poor”.
I had been playing outside all morning in the sand. Suddenly, I heard a sharp clanking sound behind me and looking over my shoulder, my eyes were drawn to a strange sight!
Across the dirt road were two rows of men, dressed in black and white, striped, baggy uniforms. Their faces were covered with dust and sweat. They looked so weary, and they were chained together with huge, black, iron chains. Hanging from the end of each chained row was a big, black, iron ball. They were, as polite people said in those days, a “Chain Gang,” guarded by two, heavily armed guards.
I stared at the prisoners as they settled uncomfortably down in the dirt, under the shade of some straggly trees.
One of the guards walked towards me.
Nodding as he passed, he went up to our front door and knocked. My mother appeared at the door, and I heard the guard ask if he could have permission to get water from the pump, in the backyard, so that “his men” could “have a drink”. My mother agreed, but I saw a look of concern on her face, as she called me inside.
I stared through the window as each prisoner was unchained from the line, to hobble over to the pump and drink his fill from a small tin cup, while a guard watched vigilantly. It wasn’t long before they were all chained back up again, with prisoners and guards retreating into the shade, away from an unrelenting sun.
I heard my mother call me into the kitchen, and I entered, to see her bustling around with tins of tuna fish, mayonnaise, our last loaf of bread, and two, big, pitchers of lemonade. In what seemed “a blink of an eye”, she had made a tray of sandwiches using all the tuna we were to have had for that night’s supper.
My mother was smiling as she handed me one of the pitchers of lemonade, cautioning me to carry it “carefully” and to “not spill a drop.” Then, lifting the tray in one hand and holding a pitcher in her other hand, she marched me to the door, deftly opening it with her foot, and trotted me across the street.
She approached the guards, flashing them with a brilliant smile.
“We had some leftovers from lunch,” she said, “and I was wondering if we could share with you and your men.” She smiled at each of the men, searching their dark eyes with her own eyes of “robin’s egg blue.” Everyone started to their feet. “Oh no!” she said. “Stay where you are! I’ll just serve you!”
Calling me to her side, she went from guard to guard, then from prisoner to prisoner — filling each tin cup with lemonade, and giving each man a sandwich. It was very quiet, except for a “thank you, ma’am,” and the clanking of the chains. Very soon we were at the end of the line, my mother’s eyes softly scanning each face.
The last prisoner was a big man, his dark skin pouring with sweat, and streaked with dust. Suddenly, his face broke into a wonderful smile, as he looked up into my mother’s eyes, and he said,
“Ma’am, I’ve wondered all my life if I’d ever see an angel, and now I have! Thank you!”
Again, my mother’s smile took in the whole group. “You’re all welcome!” she said. “God bless you.” Then we walked across to the house, with empty tray and pitchers, and back inside. Soon, the men moved on, and I never saw them again.
The only explanation my mother ever gave me, for that strange and wonderful day, was that I “remember, always, to entertain strangers, for by doing so, you may entertain angels, without knowing.” Then, with a mysterious smile, she went about the rest of the day.
I don’t remember what we ate for supper, that night. I just know it was served by an angel.
(Jaye Lewis)
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