Posted on 03/06/2011 9:12:58 AM PST by RoseyT
Not just anyone would be willing to share a story like this. Since I'm me, I will.
Do not attempt to give a cat a pill. The vet will tell you it's a simple procedure. Comfort said kitty, gently open her mouth, pop in the pill, and stroke her throat so she'll swallow the medicine. He might even suggest you tightly wrap her in a towel, so as to protect yourself, although he will use no protection at all.
Here's what will really happen. You'll comfort the kitty. "Sweet, Cutie! This medicine is going to help you feel better!" You'll proceed to wrap her in a towel. (You've tried to medicate this cat before and you know you'd have better luck dealing with a mountain lion but you love her so you are willing to try again.) As you're wrapping her up, she will begin to growl. Yes, growl. Not meow. Not purr. G R O W L. You'll successfully wrap her up, ignoring your growing fear of her fierce cat growl, making sure all of her feet are tightly bound with only her head remaining outside the towel.
As you attempt to approach her mouth with the pill, she will retract her head into the towel. In doing so, she will manage to free up enough space to get one front leg out of her bindings and she will strike out at the nearest body part. This body part might happen to be your nose. You will feel indescribable pain. You WILL release her, as your instinct will be to stem the flow of blood pouring from your mangled nose with your t-shirt. (It's possible that the shirt you're wearing will be white.) Your child, whom you recruited to assist you, will stare in horror. They might not be aware that so much blood can flow so quickly. You will cry real tears as the pain feels like what you'd expect a red hot poker inserted in your nostril would feel like. Or maybe it will feel like the shots dentists give in the roof of your mouth. And there will be no warning. The cat will not say "You're going to feel a little pinch now." (Even if it said that, it would be a lie. Cats are notorious liars.) It might feel like a pinch...with vise grips... and it will last for what seems like an eternity.
Once you are able to stand, you will look into the mirror and see a rip that came close to going completely through the skin of your nose. It will hurt fiercely for an hour or two. During that time, you will hate the cat and wish death upon her. You will be relieved that the wound wasn't a little deeper and that it didn't require stitches because you know the ER staff would have laughed behind your back that your cat KICKED YOUR BUTT. Once the bleeding subsides, your 14 year old will make the following comment. "I guess we don't have to worry about you wanting to get your nose pierced, huh?"
You will wake the next morning wondering how a zit could form so quickly. Is it inside your nose or outside? It's hard to tell! And, my God, it must be the size of Mount Vesuvius. It would have to be to hurt so much! Then the horror of the events of the previous evening will come rushing back and you will realize that it isn't a zit at all. And you will once again wish death upon the cat. You might feel guilt for your awful wish. But then again, maybe not.
Pill Pockets: One of the greatest inventions of man. Thanks to them, I have my cat begging for medication.
Next time, try a suppository...and then give the cat the pill...
How to give a cat a pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
Made me laugh.
As you attempt to approach her mouth with the pill, she will retract her head into the towel. In doing so, she will manage to free up enough space to get one front leg out of her bindings and she will strike out at the nearest body part.
Reminds me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nE-ZDpMo8qc
It sounds like a massive infection. Remember, cats comb through dirty litter with their claws. I would go to an urgent care asap. You don’t want to lose your nose! And next time, bury the cat in the backyard up to her neck. Then give her the pill. Works every time.
I smash their pills up in a wad of kitty treat, food of some sort I know the cat loves, and give it to the cat. If the cat eats it and gets well, good. If not buh bye kitty. I don’t mess with animals anymore that way.
FYI: More than 30 cats through these portals since we’ve been married 33 years, and more than 30 dogs as well. Currently 15 cats, and 4 dogs. Rarely lose one to other than old age.
Well RoseyT,
Has springtime hit yet and are you planting yet?
If so, What?
Kids old enough to help?
Put the pill in some food or a hollowed out treat.
My aunt’s football of a dog once bit my eyebrow because I got too close to her when she was eating. That damn overgrown rat almost cost me an eye.
It sure as hell wasn’t the only time she had bitten me.
Conversely, she had a golden colored mutt with no tail that loved me.
Great vanity
Here’s hoping your nose recovers fully - ouch!
(Try cutting up the pill smaller and embedding it in cheese/soft snack)
Sometimes the big dogs afre just easier to live with than the little ones. My younger dog is 85 lb. and either half black lab and half pit or half black lab and half Great Dane. He’s the world’s sweeetest, silliest dog and never has done anything like the “football” you describe.
The only think you left out was a reference to a ‘cat taco’. The vet told me that when he wraps a cat in a towel, he calls it a cat taco. [Mine won’t eat a pill in any kind of treat or goodie. For me, the secret is making a great taco. If it’s done just right, the head will not retract nor will a paw emerge. The cat’s bad mood will take a while to neutralize, but overall my results are good.]
johnpannell, we’ll have to try the pill pockets.
bigheadfred, I’m going “assume” the suppository would be for the cat. ;)
Fido969, that was priceless.
LauraJean, that was certainly my intention. :)
Yardstick, gee thanks. Now I’m having flashbacks. I might be suffering from PTKD! (Post Traumatic Kitty Disorder)
ponygirl, it’s really only a little swollen. I took a little artistic license with the Mount Vesuvius description. We have post-hole diggers that would make a perfect sized hole!
Joe Boucher, I’ve always wanted to grow cattails. Maybe this year! ;)
Fantasywriter, for the cat taco do you grill the cat or brown it like hamburger meat?
Thank you all for your comments! Vanity posts can be hit or miss.
That reminds me of years ago when my Shetland Sheepdog had a litter of puppies. My son, who has a great sense of humor, got up one morning and said, ‘I’m hungry; throw a puppy on the grill’. We both got a good laugh out of it. (Nobody was/is gentler with animals than my son. It was just a joke (which I mention in case there are any humor-challenged readers on this thread)).
Every morning, your dog looks at you and thinks, “I sure do love my people!” Every morning, your cat looks at you and thinks, “This may be the day they finally try to kill me” and “If I was bigger, I would kill and eat you.”
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.