Wanted: A full-time wiener peeler

Toronto Sun ^ | February 26, 2011 | Mike Strobel

[Squawk 8888]

I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.

I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.

But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.

I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.

“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.

Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?

“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.

Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.

“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.

“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”

A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.

Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.

Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.

The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.

You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”

I peel wieners, Drew.

“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”

Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...

I’m not the wiener stuffer

I’m the wiener stuffer’s son

I’m only stuffing ...

(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)

NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.

The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.

I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?

I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?

“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”

So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”

The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.

If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.

Or go eat a veggie burger.

Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.

The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.

They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.

The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.

What a great job, eh?

I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.

And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.

Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.

I can picture the negotiations:

“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.

“But hold the mustard.”

[sionnsar]

We just heard from our friends in Japan. They are fine!

Thank you for your sympathy and praying for us on the great earthquake disaster, named “the Touhoku-Kantou Daishinsai (Great earthquake) ” in the Tohoku (Northern part of mainland of Japan) and Kantou(Around the Tokyo district) aria of Japan.

Please don’t worry about us. We and our home were all safe in the strong earthquake.

The shocks of this earthquake even in Yokohama, located about 500 km from center of this earthquake were the ultra biggest quake we have ever experienced.

Kantou aria now has big problem on the shortage of power supply by nuclear power plants stopping.

Who(You) through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.(1 Peter 1:5)

[sionnsar]

Heads’ up. Post #666 coming...

[LibreOuMort]

continuum

[LibreOuMort]

triduum

[null and void]

Oooooo! Good one!

[null and void]

...and 666!

[sionnsar]

Next one’s yours, I guess, on the Undead Thread.

[668 - Neighbor of the Beast]

What am I doing here? Where are we?

[sionnsar]

LOL! You are now on this month's home of the Undead Thread, 668. Sort of a moving chat room: every month (usually) we take over a ZOT thread (usually) and just hang out and chat (usually). Post #666 belongs to Dead Corpse if he gets here in time and when I saw #668, well, I thought of you.

You can see a little of our history going back to ca 2005 in the following ping banner (and no, I have NOT added you to the ping list, 668, that only happens if you request it, but it was time to ping the regulars anyway):

What's this all about? Zotland the Craven		Some guidelines for posting on this thread. Some highlights of this thread.
	Spawn of the Undead Thread: The March Chronicles (redux) Ping! FReepmail sionnsar if you want on or off the ping list. This is a low volume ping list (every few days). Read: The February Chronicles (redux)

[libertarian27]

Nice neighborhood you got here 668 (except for that strange guy next door;)

[libertarian27]

Our chameleon is laying eggs.

Do you have a recipe or two? I'm the keeper of the Weekly Cooking Thread here and that would be a hoot and a half :)

[668 - Neighbor of the Beast]

Oh well good... 668+ posts on weiners! Tomorrow's Monday and I was worried I'd find nothing to do!

[668 - Neighbor of the Beast]

So -- where's the barbecue? I need a light.

[HKMk23]

...Conjure One.

I hear violins...

Center Of The Sun (Solar Stone's Chilled Out Remix)

[Darksheare]

“They say the most horrible things, but I hear violins. When I close my eyes, I am at the center of the sun.”

Battlesong it was called, only those of the Lineage heard it.
It was dangerous to provoke those who were of the Lineage, hence why they were branded with a special mark.
Usually.
There were, at time, accidents.
And nobody would ever think that a ‘frail’ lass would be a danger.

After the market go-ers ceased hearing the twanging sounds of the vicious destruction of a lute, they saw the singularly disturbing scene of a young woman standing serenely unblemished in the center of a pile of bludgeoned humanity.

[Darksheare]

Welcome aboard!
Pull up a chair, and have some of my coffee.
Join the chaos, add to the random literature we sometime write.

[Darksheare]

Lessee, Seven last night by my time I was sitting at work doing a web search on my coffee to see what horrors I have wrought.

[Darksheare]

“Submitted for your approval: Consider a young boy on the verge of manhood who, during the travails of navigating youth, suddenly finds himself thrust through the doorway leading into [dramatic pause] the Darksheare Zone.” [cue theme music]

[Darksheare]

..make a wish. Tell me, have you ever been afraid like this?

He had to admit, he hadn't. But when she looked at him that way, he felt a certain unease.

[Tax-chick]

Chameleon eggs are about the size of your little fingernail, with a hard shell.