Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
And I got my certificate from that brain-killing class a couple of weeks ago!
Noted about "Kite Runner." Don't have a lot to do tomorrow. Going to another Toastmasters groups open house at the library, but they meet at 7:45 AM Saturdays. In summer that's fine, but not in winter. After that I have a haircut and beard trim -- I wanted to wait until shortly before the London trip but I'm already getting shaggy. Once a month is about the right rate, and it's been well over a month.
Good luck with that hard drive!
I’ve read most of Stephen R Donaldson, and have a hard time with his style. However, he is imaginative.
OK! Congratulations!
I need another haircut, as well, even though I asked for something “short and spiky.” I got the short, but it’s an uneven cut and I hate ineptitude. I could have done better myself with a razor comb.
Today, for the first time in ages, I had a blood test that didn’t leave marks on my arm! I was so happy!! But OH-SO HUNGRY!!!
In the latest book he's introduced time travel.
One of my coworkers came in today with a much shorter haircut. I didn’t recognize her at first (from a distance).
Been THERE! LOL!
Sunday, a person I’ve know for four years looked at me four times and STILL didn’t know me! It was to laugh! She’d have been REALLY lost if I had worn my contacts...
I remember you telling us that! LOL
Yah. Well, some days I have a tendency to repeat myself and repeat myself if I don’t get the attention I need before I repeat myself.
*sheesh*
Sigh. FReepers. I just had to defend some old left/liberal friends, going back a quarter-century and more, against a statement I consider wrong. (But re-phrased, I might find *some* credibility with it.)
Well, for those of us with shortening (for) memories it might be a good thing to repeat.
Well, for those of us with shortening (for) memories it might be a good thing to repeat.
...
Yah. Well, some days I have a tendency to repeat myself and repeat myself if I don’t get the attention I need before I repeat myself.
*sheesh*
So what’s your plan for tomorrow? I forgot.
Friends are friends. We can defend them without agreeing with their philosophy. Let them know: I disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
I could Google that and tell you who said it first, but...
Just remember that loyalty counts.
Tomorrow, I’m going to take the laptop and external hard drive to the guru and see if I can find the things I’ve lost, as well as access the things from the old hard drive.
Wish me luck. What I really need, I think, is an awesome computer that will accept all of the data and photos that I need to input without crapping out on me when I need the information the most.
There is SO MUCH information that I have, and so much more that I need to input, it’s not a bit funny. If I can find a way to make it all come together like I need it to, I’ll be a happy camper. I suspect, however, that the computer I really need can’t be had for less than $2000.
*sigh*
Many, many years ago I had some interesting discussions with a couple of my leftist friends. What we came to realize is that while our ideas of the ideal society were not so very different (though the differences could be significant), the routes we saw as the way to get there were considerably different and where we really disagreed.
(But things change too: I wonder if one fellow still has a "Split Wood, Not Atoms" bumpersticker on his car, a quarter-century later. Acid Rain & Global Warming, I wonder where he is now.)
He-heh. First time I heard anything about a Toastmaster I was in my grandparent’s breakfast room waiting for my Pop-Tart to be done.
They had a cool old toaster that would slowly raise your finished product up rather than trying to eject it into space.
I have a spare machine sitting here for someone in need but it's a heavy old Dell, not a laptop, and is outfitted with Xubuntu Linux which, while I like it --it's simple, works with older hardware, and gives you *multiple* desktops-- is an administration headache. There are way too many programs in the Administration section and it's not easy for the inexperienced to find what one needs.
Regular backup is your best bet, I think.
I have one of those. It is older than me though its cloth-wrapped cord is not definitive of that. I learned from my father that every 10 years you need to shake the crumbs from it then remove, open and lube the mechanical timer mechanism. It's then good for another decade.
Another cleaning coming up soon.
They just don't build them the way they used to.
I learned DOS, Word For Windows and Lotus 1.2.3.
The only thing that keeps me from knowing what is going on is the fact that I have not been able to keep up with the state-of-the-art programs. (Igor died before I could suck his computerized brain dry, and he was happy to keep me in the dark while he lived.) The county required that we learn every new application of what we already knew, but by the time I left (1998) I was at a loss for the simple fact that I had no computer at home.
I don’t care what program I have to use. I need a computer that will allow me to input massive amounts of data and then, at a later time, retrieve it for printing or transfer. I can learn. These days, it may take me a bit longer than “those days,” but I can still learn. I just have to take notes.
Huh.
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