Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
Humgry? Did I invent a new word? Obviously, my braynz are affected.
Frost and black ice this morning.
Good Morning, Happy Friday.
But I am breaking 3-1/2 hours in for lunch with the R&D guys. Not absolutely critical I be on the 4-hour call.
OK then Happy Day????? :) YUK yuk!
It could definitely be worse!
I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with it!
I just got some great news. There was a fantasy series I started reading over a decade ago, I think. I don't read much fantasy but I liked the author as an SF writer. Hooked right away, and bought each of the next three books as soon as they came out -- hardbound, and I almost never do that. It's many a number of years since the last publication; even two or three years since the last update on progress on his website. I gave up, but just saw that the final book is finished and on its way to publication this summer.
So. Are you going to keep it a secret forever? Or will you tell us the name of the fantasy series?
Afternoon, all y’all. We went to Sears and ordered new glasses, because that’s who took our vision-care supplemental policy. I think it was cheaper than it would have been at Walmart with the coverage on our regular health insurance policy ... and we didn’t have to pick the cheapest frames, because the supplemental covers $130 each for frames. (Mine were $139.99.)
Now I have to go give the byos some Girl Scout cookies. They are starving again. Still. Always.
The other cat fixed my type size. Gotta love those high-tech catz.
In my limited experience, Sears has always had awesome prices on glasses. LONG before Walmart came into existence.
My poor mother had three of us (plus herself) in glasses at the same time, and two of us needed a new prescription almost every six months.
How soon before you get your new eyeballs?
One to two weeks.
That’s not TOO bad. We were so blind as kids that we always needed new frames as well as new lenses, as we couldn’t see well enough for the frames to be re-used.
The bad thing was we were both active in sports and face slams were “common.” (My poor mom.)
Do Girl Scout cookies still have the Peanut Butter cookies? I have not had those in 6 years. Those where my favorites.
Finalized arrangements and flights for the London trip. Was not happy to realize that I'm flying home from Atlanta on a Friday night. A good chance I might not get an upgrade, but with 6 hours connection time I can maybe get an earlier flight.
Talked with a coworker about the Germany trip. I was going to suggest he go alone (we have some travel restrictions), but he pointed out that his department has a small travel budget and this wouldn't leave much in it. Which might mean I will be the one to go, if anyone goes.
Whoa. Thanks. I’ve seen things by him but was never enticed. Next time I have some Amazon Money, I’ll see if I can find the books.
Golly, sion...I don’t know whether to congratulate you or commiserate.
But hey! The weekend is here! Find a good movie (Kite Runner) and un-lax (as my brothers would say!)
Of course, if I could have my druthers, I’d druther be at Las Vegas Motor Speedway to watch NASCAR. (For the first time.)
Instead, I’ll see what’s keeping me from accessing the data that I “thought” I saved before my hard drive took a dive. Wish me luck. (I’ll probably be up and gone before you get up! LOL!)
I can't think of any other hardbacks I've bought new. I try to resist trade-paper too, waiting for paperbacks, though Gardner Dozios' annual SF anthologies are excellent (and don't come out in paperback -- too big). I gave in in December with two books following a pair of trilogies, maybe not quite as good or maybe just oddly written, by Stephen R. Donaldson, but in that case I was able to buy them at huge discount due to Borders coupons.
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