Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
You could just keep them closed.
And miss that? Never! Thx for the pic...
Yep. It was a brown package. And there was a bonus in it: bubble wrap to pop!! YAY!!
LOL! Don’t get the bubble wrap covered with chocolate.
The chocolate is in the fridge, cooling. The bubble wrap is close at hand, waiting for me to pop it in moments of stress. :o])
It’s supposed to be 72 degrees today. Fancy that!
Perfect! I’m going to try to get Frank to sleep so we can go to the gym, with a stop at the post orifice before 5:00.
I’m done with my running until tomorrow.
I went to Walmart before 7:00 and got what I needed (mostly non-edibles) and money orders, then came home and put stuff away, then headed back out so I could get things Walmart didn’t carry.
My first stop was at UPS store to have some documents notarized and FAXed to a local credit union, and when I stopped at the PO, the Package Bunneh had dropped off a chocolate thingy.
Now I’m home, most of the stuff is put away, and I’m dead on my feet.
I’ll send the certified letter to the ugly person who broke MD tomorrow. I’m SO not happy with him.
New box is in the Orifice. It should be there by Monday. Four boxes of assorted Girl Scout cookies and a few small religious books, plus Walter Williams’ autobiography. The economist.
All of the artists who provided reading material of a cheery kind deserve ‘Face hugs. Every one of the drawings was awesome! I have a special folder for the Chicklet Artistic Efforts.
Another thing to look forward to! YAY!
Tomorrow, if I can hold off from eating, I’ll get a blood test so the results will be in for the doctor for Monday. I hope he will leave me alone for six months. ;o]
There are more Anoreth Arts in the new box, too.
Alright!!
I leaf through the folder when I need a lift. It helps. :o]
Better you than me. They make me cringe.
LOL!
But they come from your mind...interesting place, that! ;o]
Maybe I can even improve a little before my talk in London next month.
The first time I heard the name toastmasters I thought, My mom lets me make toast, whats so hard about that? I have not learned about apostrophes at the time.
Oh well, headed off to bed regardless. Tomorrow begins with five consecutive hours of teleconferences. The sooner we can finish this Smart Grid development, the better.
Heh-heh!
It’s going to be 70 today...yesterday it was 73. How fun is that? Several days ago, I noticed that there are buds on the mulberry trees. Allergy sufferers, beware!
In a couple of hours, I’m going to get a blood test, then may wander over to Mickey D’s for a sausage biscuit with egg and cheese. Or not. It’s been a while since I had one. (Six months?)
Sounds fun! We have cedar pollen, massively sneezy. Sunny and 31 at the moment; I don’t know what the forecast high is. Tom and I are going to get our eye exams in an hour. I’m going to need to get Frank up so I can get dressed!
All I’ve been able to think about since I got up was how humgry I am. Go figure. I used to never eat breakfast because if I did, my blood sugar was wonky all day. Now I have to force myself to remember to eat so I don’t get shaky.
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