Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
Good.
Hoping 'Face can get whatever her issue is resolved soon..
Me too! She needs to be here.
Are you having cake?
We did last night. Birthday was earlier this week, but I was traveling.
Good morning! Cold and rain here. Poured all night. Better than a drought, of course, although it will probably never again be legal to water our lawns or wash our cars, not that I did either one.
SEAMAN ANORETH PING! It's Seaman Anoreth's 20th birthday! The ancient cutter MELLON will be hitting the high seas "fairly soon," we're told, so Seaman Anoreth will be sending reports from new and interesting Foreign Parts.
Let me know if you want on or off the Seaman Anoreth ping list for the new cruise!
THX FOR THE PING.
Happy Birthday, Anoreth!
Now, watch out for those seamen celebrations!
The morning after can be less than ideal.
Heh, maybe she’ll be on watch.
We’re having a blast of early spring, with temps in the 30s and heavy rain.
And do keep me on the ping list (I haven't been posting much lately, but I do read!)
Happy Birthday, Anoreth!
Good to hear from you! I’m looking forward to hearing about the new cruise ... probably more than Anoreth is looking forward to making it ;-). She was hoping to go to gunnery school this summer, but ended up still on the waiting list, so plans for the rest of this year are pretty tenuous.
At least they’re not in the Mediterranean!
Happy Birthday, Anoreth!
How quickly things change. It was less than a year ago, over dinner in Frankfurt, three of our dealers and I were discussing the possibility of a short speaking tour around the Mediterranean including Turkey, Israel and Egypt. Not going to happen now.
Good find, good mind
Rooted in the manic of the
Cranky divine
Twenty
Wild honey
Wild thyme, dill, basil
Geranium
A cranium well laden
No wastrel, funny
With or without money
Birthday-— hallmark, bookmark, noah’s ark -— an antic occasion,
Folks you don’ even know
Join the invasion.
Granfaloonery amidst the balloons
And loony tunes: you’re placed on display,
Carefully observed for signs of decay.
Everyone’s been where you are now,
And nobody’s ever been there, somehow.
Don’t think twice, you’re wise and clean
Precise
Simple as Rube Goldberg’s latest machine
(No, I’m not giving advice, I came for beer
Or something on ice)
But I’m saying my beads,
that Salvation History (yours, mine, and Here Comes Everybody)
The ultimate Goldberg machine
Succeeds.
Stop your babbling,
Catch your breath,
Time to cheer
For Anoreth
Happy Birthday!!! May she have many more. God Bless! I will put her in my Prayers too. Sounds exciting!
Whats this guy supposed to do I dont think he can find his LMAO. Ladies do not watch this it may bring on animal passions.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bY0xgRA_Sk0&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Astonishing! Verbalflagration!
Thank you for your prayers ... it’s a little boat in a big ocean!
Hi TC - My father was in the Coast Guard during WW2. They would go up and down the east coast from New England to Bermuda and Florida. They would hunt for U-boats. He hardly ever talked about it. The WW2 generation did not brag. It was like pulling teeth to ask as a Kid. LOL.
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