Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
1101?
I tried e-books some years ago on my PDA, but a QVGA display is too small and battery life too short. eInk is definitely a better option.
I've started buying books on Borders coupons, paperback novels/anthologies for travel and larger trade-paper for home.
Books RULE!
I can’t imagine my life without books. Hardbound, paperback, printable email...if a man doesn’t read, I don’t want him.
I read Beowulf off a Palm Vx once. I wouldn’t recommend it...
We tried to interest Anoreth in a very nice boy at church, and she said, “Yeah, he’s cute, but he doesn’t read.”
We have Beowulf in the dead tree edition. I like either paper books or audio. It’s nice to have a good recorded book on the treadmill or a long car trip.
LOL.
I ran across a copy of "After Words Collide" on PDF, but I am sure it's nothing like the dead tree edition.
I read Michael Crighton’s (sp?) book “The Thirteenth Warrior,” then saw the movie with Antonio Banderas and Omar Shariff. Then I saw Anthony Hopkins in “Beowulf.”
All of them were good.
I have the book and the movie, but the movie I got was the one with Anthony Hopkins. Digitized. Awesome!!
There was an advertisement years ago that said simply, “Give me a man who reads.”
It was something my family lived by. Encapsulated, it was, simply: If you don’t read, don’t bother me.
I’m off to bed.
No idea why I’m still upright. See you tomorrow!
All I need is a magnifying glass.
Atlas Shrugged is a great book. I think I need to read The Fountain Head.
Got any elevens?
We went to Cub Scouts. DP and Bill have failed to return. I’m not yet concerned ... just curious.
Now I have to get Pat his Second Supper.
Been a long time since I read that.
Yeah, definitely not getting time off in June. Just saying.
You might as well put them in my savings. I’m not going to have much use for the money for a while anyway.
Okay. You’ll get time off eventually. Maybe in an interesting location!
Lots of ostrich stuffs around here where I live.
I hear they taste good.
There is at least one ostrich farm between Tucson and Phoenix, and others in CA. Some dentists like to use the whole egg shells for intricate carvings with a Dreml tool. They also like goose eggs.
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