This is a can opener.
This is a jar.
This is a jar opener.
Good night everyone!
Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
I know.
*sad smile*
Seems like when we love and lose pets, in some way, it makes us better people.
Wait.
Jars are ‘unscrewed’, not ‘cut’.
Oh.
That’s what I’ve been doing wrong.
Soup cans, are they cut open with plasma cutters, or do they need to be detonated open?
Sometimes I get confuzzled.
Quick Tuna Salad:
2 tbsp of Hellman's
1 unopened can Chicken of the Sea
1/2 stalk of celery
1/4 white onion
8 grams ETN
1 strategically placed bowl
This is a can opener.
This is a jar.
This is a jar opener.
Good night everyone!
Morning, all. DP picked up his “Kindle” to read last night, and it didn’t work, for no obvious reason. “That never happens with a book,” said I. “Look, this one was printed in 1995, and I can see the words just fine.” Amazon is sending him a new one, at no charge, but that wouldn’t work if a person were at sea, now would it?
Moral of the story: Take a paper book. A really long book, with lots of words in foreign languages. The “Summa Theologicae,” for example.
I am almost through "Atlas Shrugged". I think it qualifies as really long.
It's about current events.
LOL!
Exactly my sediments! Books are good!
Frank had an Experience with a bowl of Raisin Bran and needed an emergency bath. “Ooooh, my bran!” he says. “Hairs! Arms! Ash, a help!” If something is too cemented for Ash to clean up, you could build houses with it!
Exactly why I stay away from Raisin Bran. Sad to say, I don’t need anything like it.
Ash, the All-Purpose Snuffleupagus.
I need a shower - even before the Raisin Bran event - so I’m going to go do some yardwork. DP has another phone interview in a few minutes.
No, it wouldn’t, and I have the Heroic Sagas of the Icelanders (in prose) to read this next patrol. I could probably kill someone with this book.
Looking at taking leave in early July sometime. Probably won’t make it to vacation this year.
I’m going to go to the post orifice soon, but I don’t feel like it. Yesterday, I stayed home and was in bed shortly after 3:00.
Today may be earlier than that.
Sounds fun. If you can get time off in June, maybe we can do a lake or mountain visit. Unless you find something more fun to do!
Have you decided what you want me to do with your taxes?
Yesterday I got home and was in bed shortly after 11:00. PM. Birthday dinner on the plane was nothing special.
4 days home and I'm out again. And the trip to Germany in May was added to my calendar yesterday morning.
A birthday dinner? So why don’t I have you on my birthday calendar?
HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY, Sion!
But can you carry several book shelves worth of books with you where ever you go without requiring a moving van?
If I don't have to read them I can carry LOTS of books! *\;^)
I admit it's very convenient, but having the electronics go south is a problem.
I'm looking at the joy of having my flashy "new" Android become obsolete in a year or so, if ATT buys T-Mobile. Not sure which carrier we'll go to if that happens.
I love to read. A Kindle would be good for travel, but for sleeping, there is nothing like turning the pages for real. I’ve done it since I was old enough to read.
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