Posted on 02/16/2011 9:31:50 AM PST by JamesP81
I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this that would understand. I don't expect FR too either, but it's as good a place as any to vent.
You know what I do? I get up every day and go to work. I do my job and get my work done. I come home. I do it again the next day. And then again, and again, and again.
When I am dead, the most anyone will ever say about me is "he went to work ever day". If I were to simply drop dead, everything would pretty much be as if I had never lived. I have accomplished nothing noteworthy and I don't expect to. When my life is over with, the world will not be a better place, no one's lives will have been improved, and the evil that lives in the world will not have been pushed back.
This leaves me feeling....sick inside my soul. As if something is very, very wrong. The only thing I really look forward to is burying myself in the mundane of the normal to the degree that I do not think about these things. By and large this works, but some days I take my head out of the sand, and the result of that is days like today.
I've tried many things. When I was in school, I spent time every week in a nursing home. It did the folks there good to see anybody. But it did not fill the void. I am a blackbelt in karate and used to exercise a lot. It was good for me, but it did not fill the void. I have good friends, but I don't see them as much as I used to. We're all out of college, have jobs, and some have kids now. But even during the heyday of college, I couldn't fill the void with other people. I have hobbies. They're fun, but they leave me empty. I don't want to drop everything and be a drifter, but I don't want to sit still. I am not into carousing and having casual sex with whatever comes along. Never have been, and I'm fairly certain it would make me feel worse. I am a Christian; I do not speak to God as much as I should, but I do at times. He is supposed to have purpose for me, but I don't know what it is. I hope He has something for me other than work 9-5 until I'm dead.
A lot of people will say that your purpose is what you make of it. Every bit of evidence and observation I have tells me that's true. Yet I don't believe it, and never have.
In before "man up you wuss".
What you are feeling is what most of us all feel from time to time. It is a perspective, a point of view that we fall into once in a while. And while it’s largely true that we as individuals are unlikely to effect any earth-shaking profound changes, as human beings it is our lot to first change ourselves; transform ourselves into the splendid person we desire to be. Then it is through touching the lives of others where we make our mark in the world. We plant seeds in all others we encounter. And when those seeds emerge strong and come into flower, then it’s through the cumulative efforts of the millions in the network we belong to that effect the real and profound change.
Take heart James, and know what your purpose here is, then don’t walk, run toward achieving it with everyone you see. When you can KNOW YOURSELF, that is the beginning of wisdom.
A couple of things got me out of my most recent "down" episode... One was the fact that I (through three attempts) forced myself to watch the movie "The Road" - it is depressing as heck so, yes, it took me three tries. But then at the end, as the credits roll, the director placed an audio track that made me realize just how blessed I truly am (and we all truly are). I won't go into it here... I won't spoil it for others. But it truly made me look at things differently.
The second thing is the realization that I don't have to have my name connected to something big that changes the world. I can make a difference one person at a time. I've done it... I've extended a kind word and reassurance to someone, and had them come back to me a month later to tell me that I prevented their suicide by what I told them. I've verbally stumbled over an awkward situation when a child told me (while in front of her mother) that her "mommy and daddy don't live together anymore". I provided the child with the only words I knew to tell her (and I believe God put them in my head right then and there): "Sometimes people lose sight of what it was that caused them to fall in love and they need to go back and see if things really changed or if they just got bored, because true love survives boredom." Three weeks later, the mommy, daughter, and the daddy were in my office, and I had quite frankly forgotten the earlier exchange. I started seeing them in my business about every couple of weeks or so. About six months later, they came in with a gift for me, and I was dumbstruck - for I had no reason to expect anything from them. They looked at me, gave me a hug, and told me that what I had said to their daughter had saved their marriage... There is a sign at the nurses' station where my mother is undergoing cancer treatment. It says: To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. You stated that you used to go to nursing homes but that it no longer seems to be fulfilling... I think I know how you feel, because as I have gotten older nursing homes seem to be more depressing to me - perhaps because the residents aren't as far away from me age-wise as they used to be. BUT... we have to ask ourselves "Is this about me?" You know in your heart it is not... Go provide some comfort to those in need, and you will reap your reward over time...
You have identified yourself as a Christian, so I ask you: are you working to store up treasures here on earth, or are you working to store up your treasures in heaven? Why does it matter if you get recognition for what you see as "important" contributions to the world? That is the proverbial "15 minutes of fame." What do you consider to be "important" contributions? Sometimes we are looking to get our "name in lights" when the actual important work is not even something for which recognition is given - at least here on earth.
Forgive me if any of this comes across as being harsh, for that is not my intention... But I do believe it to be the truth.
Regards,
Raven6
I know exactly how you feel.
Good luck man.
James, you are just an ordinary guy. It’s ok (in fact, it’s very liberating).
I became truly happy when I accepted my averageness and got busy living. It’s ok to not be the best, smartest, handsomest, coolest, etc. Just be.
Besides, all of your heroes were probably also just “ordinary guys”. They peed and pooped and ate and slept and laughed and cried and all had fears.
The desire to special and unique (not ordinary) is just your ego.
“I have never wanted to be normal or ordinary. . . . I am running out of time to avoid being just another guy.”
Firstly, don’t take what I am going to say as a slam. I am 52 and want to be helpful. What I quoted above from you suggests a narcissistic tendency in your outlook. (That’s not just you - it’s pandemic these days!) Your primary focus in life seems to be on comparing yourself to everyone else, with an anxious need to be regarded as extra-extraordinary in your uniqueness.
Each of us is unique, but what really counts is that you DO work every day to support yourself and avoid being dependent on others - that alone is a worthwhile achievement. When you choose a spouse (wisely!) and begin to support children, your sense of purpose and worth will increase manifold. You can trust in that.
Hang in there, look forward and outward, and give yourself a break. 29 years is still youth in today’s world. You’re just about to come into your own as an adult.
Do not focus on being “great”, focus on being good. I don’t mean good in a perfectionistic sense and neither in a slacker “just good enough” sense. But if you have some unrealistic ideal of greatness, you will miss greatness and goodness as well.
And modern Christianity focuses too much on our inner state and how “spiritual” we are supposed to feel. Think more about how faithful Christ is and what He has done for you. If you focus on yourself and the faith you feel, if you are honest you will be discouraged. It is good you despair in yourself. Even our best greatness is empty. You can use your despair to focus on Christ. Don’t let your Godly despair turn into a godless despair. I was in your situation for many years and still often struggle.
I got the same about a week ago.
A kind friend said the same to me. I’m not even sure I remember what I said to her.
Her husband was cheating on her and she had two little kids to raise. She said that because of what I told her she felt that she had the strength to carry on in her life. Months after the fact.
So yeah, ONE WORD at the right time can make all the difference in the world in somebody’s life!
“My lack of faith dooms me to hell. By the time I find out that there is any hope...there won’t be any.”
Ya might want to err on the safe side.
I will say a prayer for you as well. There is good in living and I pray that you find it and that you find the Lord.
I don't say this to aggravate; I say it because I care.
Watch “It’s a wonderful life”.
My cat and dog hate it too! And they’re rescue pets too! Good for you. God will reward I’m sure.
I just didn’t understand it. I hadn’t addressed you and so I was confused. I take it from later posts you’re not too sympathetic to the young man.
Here is the Marine Prayer:
Almighty Father, whose command is over all and whose love never fails, make me aware of Thy presence and obedient to Thy will. Keep me true to my best self, guarding me against dishonesty in purpose and deed and helping me to live so that I can face my fellow Marines, my loved ones, and Thee without shame or fear. Protect my family.
Give me the will to do the work of a Marine and to accept my share of responsibilities with vigor and enthusiasm. Grant me the courage to be proficient in my daily performance. Keep me loyal and faithful to my superiors and to the duties my Country and the Marine Corps have entrusted to me. Help me to wear my uniform with dignity, and let it remind me daily of the traditions which I must uphold.
If I am inclined to doubt, steady my faith; if I am tempted, make me strong to resist; if I should miss the mark, give me courage to try again.
Guide me with the light of truth and grant me wisdom by which I may understand the answer to my prayer.
____________________
Even if you aren’t a Marine, the prayer can be said to cover your situation. (My son is a Marine and I said the prayer every day that he was gone.) The last line, “Guide me with the light of truth and grant me wisdom by which I may understand the answer to my prayer,” allows me to see that the answer to my prayer is either “here” or on the way and that I need to “wait upon the Lord” until I can see it. God is always available to us when we look to Him.
God bless you!
Ping for later response. Hang in there James.
Your post made me LOL :o)
Ping for later reading.
I agree with everyone who thinks you might be unknowingly experiencing depression. It’s like going around with an infected tooth; you had no idea such a thing could make you so sick. But there’s help for both, amazing help, and you can get it today.
It also sounds like you’re indifferent to your job. So figure out what you want to do. Take a support job or intern for a few months at an architect’s office, for example, if you have even the slightest inclination in that direction. If it’s not for you, try something else.
People say “you are not your job,” but it’s a huge blessing in this life to love what you do for a living. You spend most of your waking hours at it, after all. “Whatever you put your hand to do, do it with all your might,” as the prophet said in Ecclesiastes.
I hope for good things and the peace that passes understanding for you, very soon!
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