IBTP!
Top ten?
Above the Fold, Page One bumperootus!
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Employee: Sir, I would like a raise
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
I went to take a friggin walk by the friggin reservoir
A wishin’ for a friggin quid to pay my friggin score
My head, it was a-achin’, an’ me throat was parched and dry
And so I sent a little prayer a-wingin’ to the sky
And there came a friggin falcon, and he walked upon the waves
I said “A friggin miracle!” and sang a couple staves
Of a friggin churchy ballad that I learned when I was young
The friggin bird took to the air and spattered me with dung
I fell upon my friggin knees and bowed my friggin head
And said three friggin Aves for all my friggin dead
And then I rose upon my feet and said another ten;
For the friggin bird burst into flame and spattered me again
The burnin’ bird hung in the air just like a friggin sun
It seared me friggin eyebrows off, and when the job was done
The burnin’ bird shot ‘cross the sky, just like a shooting star
I ran to tell the friggin Priest. He bummed me last cigar
I told him of the miracle, he told me of the rose
I showed him bird crap in me hair, the bastard held his nose
I went to see the Bishop, but the friggin Bishop said:
“Go home and sleep it off, you sot - and wash your friggin head!”
I came upon the friggin wake of a dirty rotten swine
By name of Jock O’Leary, and I touched his head with mine
Ol’ Jock, he sat up in his box and raised his friggin head
And his wife took up a candlestick and beat the bugger dead
Again I touched his head with mine and brought him back to life
His smiling face rolled on the floor - this time, she used a knife
And then she fell upon her knees, and started in to pray:
“’Twas 40 years, O Lord,” she said, “I’ve waited for this day!”
I walked the friggin city ‘mongst the friggin ‘alt an’ lame
And ev’ry time I raised ‘em up, they got knocked down again
‘Cause the love of God comes down to men a friggin curious way
But when a man is marked for love, that love is here to stay
And this I know because I’ve got a friggin curious sign:
Ev’ry time I wash my head, the water turns to wine!
I gives it free to workin’ bloaks to brighten up their lives
So they don’no kick no dogs around, nor beat up on their wives
‘Cause there ain’t no use to miracles like walkin’ on the sea
They crucified the Son o’ God, but they don’t muck with me
I leave the friggin blind alone, the dyin’ and the dead
But ev’ry day at 4 o’clock, I wash my friggin head!
“The Friggin Falcon” was a poem written by SF pioneer Theodore Cogswell in 1966. Larry Niven liked it so much, he included it as a song in his best-selling novel “Lucifer’s Hammer”. I, in turn, so enjoyed the irreverence and slightly-off philosophy that I found it to be a perfect addition to my comedic album, “Off Key”. You can listen to this track here: http://www.associatedcontent.com/audio/1923/the_friggin_falcon.html
Remember this image the next time someone asks for some HTML help.
IF THIS MAKES SENSE TO YOU...
...YOU MAY BE A LIBERAL
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm Failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and Hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both House and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was About three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me To open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time The darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and The phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made Me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got Back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
