Dave Barry's look at 2010: Worst year ever?

Pittsburgh Live ^ | January 2, 2011 | Dave Barry

[Pan_Yan]

Let's put things into perspective: 2010 was not the worst year ever. There have been much worse years. For example, toward the end of the Cretaceous Period, the Earth was struck by an asteroid that wiped out 75 percent of all the species on the planet. Can we honestly say that we had a worse year than those species did? Yes, we can, because they were not exposed to "Jersey Shore."

So, on second thought, we see that this was, in fact, the worst year ever. The perfect symbol for the awfulness of 2010 was the BP oil spill, which oozed up from the depths and spread, totally out of control, like some kind of hideous uncontrollable metaphor. (Or, "Jersey Shore.") The scariest thing about the spill was, nobody in charge seemed to know what to do about it. Time and again, top political leaders personally flew down to the Gulf of Mexico to look at the situation first-hand and hold press availabilities. And yet, somehow, despite these efforts, the oil continued to leak. This forced us to face the disturbing truth that even top policy thinkers with postgraduate degrees from Harvard University could not stop it.

The leak was eventually plugged by non-policy people using machinery of some kind. But, by then, our faith in our leaders had been shaken, especially since they also seemed to have no idea what to do about this pesky recession. Congress tried every remedy it knows, ranging all the way from borrowing money from China and spending it on government programs, to borrowing more money from China and spending it on government programs. But in the end, all of this stimulus created few actual jobs.

[Pan_Yan]

Things were even worse abroad. North Korea continued to show why it is known as "the international equivalent of Charlie Sheen.

Dave Barry at his best.

[sinanju]

Dave Barry has GOT to do politics more often!

I still remember his coverage of his encounter with the Deaniacs in Campaign ‘04.

[sinanju]

“...Closer to home, the already strained relationship between the U.S. and Mexico reached a new low following the theft, by a Juarez-based drug cartel, of the Grand Canyon...”

Hee! Hee! By the same token, he should have mentioned the strained relations between the U.S. and Arizona.

[Pan_Yan]

he should have mentioned the strained relations between the U.S. and Arizona.

Keep reading, it's in there.

[sinanju]

“..The suspect is captured by U.S. Customs agents at the last minute after boarding a Dubai-bound plane filled with passengers who, like the suspect, had all been carefully screened by the TSA to make sure they were not carrying more than three ounces of shampoo...”

This one is just full of keepers.

[sinanju]

“..In sports, the World Cup gets underway in South Africa; despite fears of violence, the massive event is totally peaceful, except for the estimated 13,000 people who leap to their deaths from the tops of stadiums to escape the sound of the vuvuzelas...”

[Inyo-Mono]

Hee! Hee! By the same token, he should have mentioned the strained relations between the U.S. and Arizona. >

"In more domestic news, Arizona passes a controversial new law designed to crack down on illegal immigrants; this draws a sharp rebuke from the Mexican government, currently headquartered in Tucson."

[QBFimi]

Good old Dave - he’s a sick man. I like that ;o)

[Liberty Valance]

LOL! *bump*

[Grizzled Bear]

Dave Barry is awesome. I’m glad he’s writing for fun, again. For a libertarian, he’s not shabby!

Add me if you have a ping list.

[aruanan]

This is a good one:

Fortunately, the car bomb is disarmed, and a suspect is later captured at Kennedy Airport by sharp-eyed TSA officers trained to spot suspicious behavior. Ha ha! Just kidding, of course. The suspect is captured by U.S. Customs agents at the last minute after boarding a Dubai-bound plane filled with passengers who, like the suspect, had all been carefully screened by the TSA to make sure they were not carrying more than three ounces of shampoo.

[aruanan]

This is a good one:

Meanwhile, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, speaking from his new office in Toronto, announces a plan to drastically increase the U.S. money supply by "quantitative easing," a controversial process involving what Bernanke describes as "a major job for Kinko's."

[aruanan]

There are a lot of nice little gems:

Elsewhere abroad, terrorists in Yemen attempt to send mail bombs to the U.S., confirming the long-held suspicions of U.S. intelligence that there really is a country named "Yemen." The plot, which involves explosives concealed inside printer cartridges, is foiled, but as a precaution the TSA decides to prohibit air travelers in the U.S. from carrying anything capable of printing, including pens, pencils and children in grades 2 through 5.

[little jeremiah]

Placemark for laughing tomorrow.

[cgbg]

The Greece and Ireland quips are keepers.

Thanks for posting.

[knarf]

Yeah but ... especially with Chicago being so prominent in todays news both overtly and covertly ... Mike Royko would probably be the guest speaker/pundit instead of Krauthammer.

[luigi]

Bump

[TalBlack]

It used to be that I would laugh out loud, all alone at home, reading Dave Barry. But the world reality has become too much of a Dave Barry column for Dave to be funny now. I couldn’t finish the piece...

[orlop9]

Good Stuff

[Calvin Locke]

...vuvuzelas..

I'm impressed that he took the time to look up/remember the name
what those annoying things were.

The morons in the news business couldn't even be bothered to filter it out of the background on the news reports.