Dave Barry: If you're a Super Bowl tourist, Do NOT go outside

Miami Herald ^ | 2/2/10 | Dave Barry

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Dear Super Bowl Visitor:

Welcome to Miami! Get ready for a fun Super Bowl week, because you're going to see some serious partying ``Miami Style'' -- people eating, drinking, singing, shouting, fighting, discharging firearms, sacrificing animals, sinking motor yachts and dancing naked around burning buses. And those are our police officers.

But don't worry! You are perfectly safe. Miami has been hosting Super Bowls for more than 150 years, and in all that time no harm has ever come to a visitor who didn't do something stupid such as venture outside the hotel. So have fun! Here are some tips to help you make the most of your visit:

GETTING AROUND

Miami has an extensive mass-transit system. Unfortunately, it doesn't go anywhere you need to go, and it sometimes has sharks on it. (You think I'm kidding.)

Miami also has a modern taxi fleet, which consists of four modern taxis, but they're pretty busy. So your best bet is to rent a car. Keep in mind that Miami has the same traffic laws as the rest of the United States; the difference is that nobody here obeys them. The main expressways are Interstate 95 and the Palmetto; do not use these unless you are an experienced fighter pilot.

[pappyone]

dang, La Ly, could you have picked a better place to live?

[La Lydia]

Some things are beyond one’s control.

[RichInOC]

Don’t worry, Dave. I’m pretty sure the Saints fans can handle themselves.

[JouleZ]

"I hate Miami. Its right up there with Atlanta as the worst place to visit or live."

We were in Miami in April and our taxi drivers were from Haiti, Cuba, the DR and I can't recall the others. The driving was very careless, even by L.A. standards. Atlanta, pffft. I will never go there again. I got mugged right in front of the downtown Hilton with hundreds of people around.