The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[PennsylvaniaMom]

I agree on the Lenny Kravitz ‘ideal.’ I have noticed that myself...along with the white guy is always wrong, or the butt of the joke...never the black/hispanic guy or any woman.

[B-Chan]

That girl looks like Bob Hope in drag

[PennsylvaniaMom]

Nahhh...I don’t see that...but I do see a young, childhood version of Courtney Love in the ‘blood jelly’ ad.

[wardaddy]

Guess it was a pretty happy time for the guys - especially with the women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen all year round and saying “yassuh” and “nosuh” all the time

wow....they really got to you didn't they?

How old are you dear?

Where did you go to college? I want to make sure my daughters don't go there.

You seem very strong willed. I hope your man is at least as strong willed or more so, you will need that.

[SoftballMominVA]

Those speedos on the dude are more than a little scary

[SoftballMominVA]

Those speedos on the dude are more than a little scary

[wardaddy]

yep...I guess the ads represent the makeup and desires of the folks who make the ads or maybe they have been trained to think this approach sells.

I have noticed one very odd thing about sports ads and whatnot.

I am convinced smallish Woody Allen type intellectual Jewish men fantasize about being big black men.

[Red in Blue PA]

[SoftballMominVA]

My husband is a MAN - he can handle all this and more. He just knows that the day he raises a hand to me will be his last peaceful day on this earth.

And I have 2 daughters that are carbon copies - of course their problem is that they have total disgust for girly-men (I did my job well) and are looking for a man to marry, not a panty waist. My older one might have found a possible candidate but I need to spend some time with him

I went to Bob Jones, BTW — try to reconcile that fact with my statements and post when your head stops spinning.

[SoftballMominVA]

I thought about the cheerleader outfit, but that felt a bit pervy

What about Saran Wrap?

[COBOL2Java]

Nurse Diesel in her earlier days!

[wardaddy]

btw...I am not trying to pick a fight..maybe my first reply was too harsh...I’m sorry

I have had strong women in my 52 years...strident very opinionated women...my mom was one..southern style....I learned from that experience I prefer more feminie subtle women..like my wife (usually unless she drinks Cointreau)

When i say they need strong men...they do. I don’t mean it condescending.

But women who take the Biblical instruction for marriage and man-wife relationships are not fairly pigeonholed by comments like yours.

Life is too short for spouses to compete and they do have roles to play.

that’s what I’ve learned anyhow...5 kids(2-21) and 52 years later....

i think married couples used to have more sex according to studies I’ve seen...in those bad old days...in my view they got that part right

[Red in Blue PA]

[RichInOC]

I CAN HAS CHEEZCAEK?

(...because “I HAS A HOTDOG!” would probably get me in trouble.)

[SoftballMominVA]

My husband and I have a complicated relationship to some, but simple to us. I acknowledge him as the spiritual head of our home and would never disrepect him in public or do anything that I know that he would really hate.

But he knows that I don’t tolerate violence against my person, even in play.

He LIKES that I’m opinionated - we have great arguments/discussions and says he would have me no other way.

Seeing as we’ve been married for 25 years, I’d say it’s working

As far as picking a fight, meh....my skin’s not that thin. My theory is if I can’t take it, I shouldn’t be dishing it out. But I do get a lot of joy watching how men react to a strong, opinonated woman.

Please note though, I’ve NEVER called anyone another name during this thread. I stated my opinion, and stood my ground whilst others called me names

So, who’s the lady and who’s the gentleman?

[Red in Blue PA]

[the_devils_advocate_666]

A nice gift for Henry Waxman?

[B-Chan]

Too sweaty.

[SoftballMominVA]

I’m not seeing evidence of a hot dog. Looks more like a KEN doll

[Red in Blue PA]

Creepy: