Posted on 04/18/2009 8:50:52 PM PDT by JoeProBono
Recently I found myself arguing with a British friend of mine over which tastes better: English cooking or dirt.
According to a Feb. 10 report by news agency Reuters, the issue has been settled once and for all. It’s dirt.
That’s not what the article actually says — what it says is that according to Dr. Graham Clayton, a researcher at Leeds University, British potato chips combine the aromas of “butterscotch, onion, cheese and ... ironing boards.”
If you’ve ever had these chips, you’re probably thinking: “Wait, ironing boards? I don’t remember tasting any ironing boards; what did they do, improve the recipe?”
British potato chips differ from the American version in that the English chips are grey and soggy, as if they were laundered with dirty socks. They can be delicious if you’ve taken complete leave of your senses; otherwise, you might be better off checking to see what else is in the dryer.
My friend takes exception to my description of his chips — but then, this is a guy who eats baked beans and hotdogs for breakfast. (He calls the hotdog a “banger,” but I know a hotdog when I see it, even if it doesn’t have a ballgame in front of it.)
English cooking was deliberately designed by an ancient English king to motivate his troops to invade France. That’s why my British buddy drinks stout, which looks like a glass mug full of liquid interstate highway. The beverage’s name is very descriptive: Drink enough stout, and that’s what you’ll be.
The British love plain labels: Open my friend’s cupboard, and you’ll find it stacked with cans that say simply, “beans.” That’s it — no clue as to the kind of bean, how they are cooked or why anyone would eat them for breakfast. He’s also got “Heinz salad cream” — if you need to know what flavor cream, you shouldn’t be eating it.
Nor should you eat “clotted cream” — or at least, not according to my mother, who always insisted that when the milk came out in clots, it was time to throw it out. The word “clot” is intentionally unappetizing so that you’ll know not to eat one, yet to the British, it’s a form of dessert!
Or how about my friend’s bottle of “brown sauce?” Only the Brits would think that “brown” was a flavor.
Brit: Today for lunch we’ve got some ironing boards in a delicate brown flavor, plus some gross clots.
Me: I think instead I’ll just have a hotdog and some baked beans.
Brit: Sorry, we’ve stopped serving breakfast.
Me: Oh, OK.
Well, what color do the clots taste like?
Some of the labels, though, are completely incomprehensible. One small jar my friend has in his cupboard is called “Bovril,” which sounds to me like something you’d take for a yeast infection. Turns out I’m wrong: Bovril is a “concentrated yeast extract drink.” That’s right, it doesn’t cure a yeast infection, it is a yeast infection!
Another can is filled with “kipper fillets in sunflower oil.” Not sure what a “kipper” is, I looked it up and came across this entry: “In the U.K., kippers, along with other preserved fish such as the bloater and the buckling ... .”
That’s where I stopped reading, afraid I was going to throw a clot. Who would eat a fish called a “bloater”? That’s how you describe a fish that has died from a yeast infection. One bite, and your knees will most certainly be “buckling.”
For dessert, my friend has “rose-flavored jelly in milk chocolate.” That’s right, in England the cooking is so bad that people wander out into the garden to eat the flowers.
Brit: Do these roses taste red to you?
After munching on some ironing boards, bloating fish and clotted diary products, you might be, well, dead. If you’re not, then you’re probably British, which, given their diet, doesn’t seem like that much of an improvement. You’ll want to settle your stomach with either a good pumping or a handful of “digestive biscuits,” a British cookie designed to help your body figure out what to do with all the stuff you’ve eaten.
Or here’s an idea: Skip the meal. Catch up on your ironing, instead.
Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
“According to a Feb. 10 report by news agency Reuters, the issue has been settled once and for all. It’s dirt. “
You OBVIOUSLY have not had Butterscotch Crisps. Cause if you had, you would have thought you had died and went to Heaven!!
http://www.foodlocker.com/43151-6.html
HELL:
-The food is British
-The police are German
-The cars are French
-The lovers are Swiss
-And the whole thing is run by Italians
Haha. Your post reminds me of this scene from Forrest Gump:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLkNPjbaPTk&feature=related
Cows don’t really eat grass.
Cows eat the microbes in their gut that live off the grass.
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My wife and myself have both been to the UK. We have seen over the years various attempts at humor about British cuisine, and we both are lost as to why such allegations as say this current article and ironing boards.
We both found the food, the people, the country delightful, and would like to go again were it not for the Muzzies, and the advanced state of Socialism prevailing there since our visits in the 1970’s, and ‘80’s.
For the cynical I’ll simply state we both have been of life long interest in, as well have extensive schooling in the Culinary Arts. IOW we believe we know good food from bad food, and we didn’t find the bad food in the UK this author would like all to believe exists.
A faggot is a kind of meatball. Faggots are a traditional dish in the UK, especially the Midlands of England. It is made from meat off-cuts and offal, especially pork. A faggot is traditionally made from pig heart, liver and fatty belly meat or bacon minced together, with herbs added for flavouring and sometimes breadcrumbs. The mixture is shaped in the hand into balls, wrapped round with caul fat (the omentum membrane from the pig's abdomen), and baked. A similar dish, almôndega, is traditional in Portugal.
The first use in print cited in the OED is in 1851, from Thomas Mayhew, although this appears to be a calzone- or pasty-like dish, with an outer wrapper of caul, covering a filling of mixed pork offal. This was in London.
The dish saw its greatest popularity with the rationing during World War II but has become less popular in recent years. Faggots are usually homemade and are to be found in traditional butchers' shops and market stalls.
A popular dish is "Faggots and Peas". This is a common combination in the Black Country area of the West Midlands, especially so since the 18th century industrialisation onwards, but also for hundreds of years prior. It is still common to see small butchers shops in the area selling Faggots to their own (sometimes secret) recipe for a cheap price. Commonly, the faggot consists of pork liver and heart minced, wrapped in kel, with onion and breadcrumbs. Often, the Faggot should be cooked in a crock, with gravy and served with peas and mashed potato.
Faggots are also known as "ducks" in the Midlands, Yorkshire and Lancashire, often as "savoury ducks". "In Leigh market in 1905 you could buy a savoury duck rolled up in an oatmeal cake."
The best-known commercial brand is Mr Brain's Faggots, a frozen food product available in Britain, which is made of liver and onions rolled into meatballs and served in a sauce. These faggots differ significantly from the traditional recipe.
Oh I LOVED that show. Onslow was the BEST!
Just goes to prove Winnie's observation that Brits and Yanks are but two common people separated by their common language?
6070 views • Categories: BritishThe following list comes from the wonderfully silly book Gastronaut, by Stefan Gates. In this book, he poses the theory that British Food is looked down upon, not because the food is bad, but rather because of the rather unfortunate names.
Consider the following (and points will be given to those who can describe each dish and/or food product).
Stay away from the curry? What, you don’t want any flavor in your English diet?
That guy cracks me up.
What about fried bread? I guess we would call it French toast.
OMG, I LOVE kippers! They're actully smoked herring, and you can buy them with all sorts of different sauces, such as kippers in mustard sauce, kippers in tomato sauce, kippers in paprika sauce, etc.
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