Why Do Mocktails Fall Flat?

Wall Street Journal ^ | APRIL 3, 2009 | ERIC FELTEN

[nickcarraway]

Last year the Dry Soda brand of very lightly sweetened fizzy drinks came out with a new flavor, "juniper berry," which it advertised as "the perfect 'non-alcoholic gin and tonic.'" Juniper, of course, is the distinctive, piney flavoring that distinguishes gin. And so might a juniper soda appeal to gin lovers? The definitive response came from drinks blogger Camper English: "The problem with non-alcoholic drinks is their complete lack of alcohol," he wrote at his site, Alcademics.com. "To me, this product sounds like it will pair magnificently with leftover vodka to make a gin-free G&T." In other words, what's the point?

But is the point of spirits and cocktails ultimately just the alcohol? You'd never know it from columns like this one. I don't think I'm the only drink scribbler in the world who generally discusses the merits of this or that liquor, or one wine or another, without mentioning the intoxicating nature of the beverage. Yet the alcohol must somehow be of the essence because, after all, there isn't anyone striving to be the Robert Parker of grape juice. Even if it were possible to come up with a Scotch stripped of its alcohol that still tasted like Scotch, would it be worth drinking? Or would it be -- like a rambunctious dog debarked -- a sad and mutilated thing?

Mixers have tried for decades to find concoctions for nondrinkers that would approximate the cocktail experience. As the wheels started coming off Prohibition, the teetotal lobby tried to lure inebriates away from bootleg hooch by promoting "liquorless cocktails." The Women's Christian Temperance Union created a "Department of Non-Alcoholic Fruit Products" to disseminate recipes for such drinks as the

[Stoat]

 

I've always found it intriguing that some religions are very stridently opposed to alcohol, some less so, allowing a wide range of opinion on the matter and some orders of Monks in particular are legendary for their production of various items of an alcoholic nature.

Nothing at all profound in this post; it's merely something that I occasionally consider while sipping a fine beverage that I've convinced myself was undoubtedly produced by a vivacious and buxom yet virtuous young Scottish lass with great effort and strain placed upon her bustier in the process.

These thoughts help me to delude myself into thinking that I may possibly be not going to Hell after all......

[i_dont_chat]

Why do mock tails fall flat?

Because men and women drink mainly because of the effect produced by alcohol.

Have you ever wondered by Near Beer isn’t a popular drink?

Duh!

[nickcarraway]

Well, the drink hasn’t dulled your imagination, anyway.

[SkyDancer]

That’s true also ... guess the only reason people drink is to (fill in the blank) .....

[SkyDancer]

I was just being funny .... like Scotty in Star Trek .... will it make a good mix with scotch ... but then what civilized person would mix good scotch with anything???

[SkyDancer]

Because it was obvious ...????
I like my gimlets and wine ... mocktails? Like taking a shower with your stockings on ... or socks in case of men ...

[razorboy]

They fail for the same reason the pseudo meat stuff (like veggie dogs) fail. If you want to eat meat or drink booze, you want to eat meat or drink booze. If you don’t want to eat meat or drink booze you probably aren’t terribly interested in pretending that you really are.

[Wife of D]

Dear Lord, yes! November 4th I understood why the Russians are notorious drinkers. January 20 I started buying by the case. I feel solidarity with the Russian population who would otherwise have a better government.

Ashamedly, I have upped my daily required intake of vodka to get through the nights of reading FR and watching Fox. Otherwise, I’m awake for hours, worrying about our country. I guess it’s easier to worry about my liver and triglyceride levels.

ZA VAS!

[mamelukesabre]

Have you ever had a near beer? It tastes like crap.

[ctdonath2]

I actually drink for taste, not effect. There are just some tastes which only happen with alcohol as a base.

[TheConservativeParty]

I know what you mean, ever since college I didn’t touch alcohol. Especically beer, since the dorms stunk of beer.

Now I only like the good aste spumante. The husband picked me up a less expensive brand and I hated it. Only Martini&Rossi will do.

I see your point on the Russian link to vodka and bad government. I agree. One has to be able to relax and not always have the dire reality of bad government on their mind.

Too bad we had the worst possible Prez candidate. I love Sarah, and respect McCain’s sacrifice in the military, but he was the very worst for the ticket. He’s been poking us in the eye for many many years.

I remember last summer, how Rush would say “we are so screwed” over and over, in a low voice. He knew we’d lose with McCain. I guess we all knew. I had no hope until Sarah joined the ticket. Then got my hopes up and they were dashed. First time I ever shed tears over an election. I knew our Republic would never be the same with a socialist radical in power. I was so sad that over half our countrymen are so stupid as to elect such a bad man. Hang in there.

[Wife of D]

Thank you! I haven’t had aste spumante in years; back in the day it was my New Year’s Eve drink of choice. I will purchase a bottle and drink to your health. :)

Sarah? OMG, that speech she gave when she was announced as VP pick - I was so proud to be a Republican and a woman. I, too, was soooooo hopeful. McCain was just awful - not coming to life until late in the last debate. I, too, respect his military service and POW years. That he gave up a chance for freedom is touching beyond all belief. I still don’t understand how they lost to such an obviously Marxist, questionably born, inexperienced candidate. But, the sheeples and the know-nothings...to them the Big 0 was exciting and cool, new and improved. But, as I said to many, he’s not even a real African-American, he “represents” nothing.
Boy, did I cry that election night. I was stunned. I shouted expletives at the TV. It was warm enough to still have the windows open, and DH went around and shut them all, along with the doors, for fear the neighbors would call the police. :)
Now, we can only hope and PRAY that he does as little damage as possible, until the adults can take over again. But that’ a hard fight.
Last night I asked my son-in-law, who works for the DAV, what will we do if Bambi announces no new elections, for whatever reason he pulls out of his behind? Institutes Marshall Law... I asked, “who will stop him? Will the army go in and take him into custody?” He stared blankly and cited law. He can’t fathom that it’s a possibility, but he’s only 32. (my daughter is 26 and I had her when I was 12. :)

I am so afraid for our country, as many of us are, and my mind just reels with the all-to-possible possibilities. Yeah, I do have a tin-foil beenie, if not an outright hat, but in my heart I fear our America is lost, without the intercedence of God and really great Conservative/Republican candidates.
Anyway, thanks for your reply, it at least gave me another chance to vent.
America, for ever.
:)

[TheConservativeParty]

Ditto to all that! The night of the election I called my auntie in Colorado, and to help me through the loss she reminded me that God is still in control, the sun would still come up in the morning and set in the evening. Took me weeks and weeks before I could listen to Rush or any news. The “O” word made me sick. Seeing “O” was and is like looking at the devil. I am more tolerant of him now, but still avoid him as much as possible. And here I thought the Clintons were bad! Wow. I was way off. “O” is a thousand times worse. It is the first time I have ever feared for the survival of our country. No wonder we need a nip of alcohol now and then! That and lots of praying. I think 2010 will bring electoral changes. It’s really not that far off. And doesn’t time go faster the older we get? 2012 seems far off though. If we can get the repub numbers back up in 2010 we have the chance to stop a lot of the spending in these pork bills that have passed. Freep On!