$$$$ThE oFfIcIaL fRiDaY sIlLiNeSs ThReAd$$$$

[Sax]

The Great Office War (nerf)
http://vimeo.com/1193942

[Monkey Face]

You Are 45% Left Brained, 55% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

[Ronin]

SILLINESS AHOY!!!!!

I just lost two games of chess and drank a half botle of whisky.

And it’s Saturday MORNING you NOObs!!!

[Sax]

The Box of Crabs.....
>>
>>
>>
>> A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
>> frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of
the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s
>> refrigerator.
>>
>> He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
>> responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a
lawyer,
>> and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them
thaw
>> out.
>>
>> Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
>>
>> Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom
>> to announce to the entire cabin,
>>
>> “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
>> Orleans, please raise your hand?”
>>
>> Not one hand went up .. so she took them home and ate them.
>>
>> Two lessons here:
>>
>>
>> 1. Men never learn.
>> 2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most men think.

[a fool in paradise]

You Are 40% Left Brained, 60% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

[Monkey Face]

OY! I wish I had a chess partner, a bottle of vodka to drink, and I don’t want to wait until Saturday to do it.

[a fool in paradise]

Whiskey! The breakfast of pirates! Arrgggh!

[OB1kNOb]

[Sax]

[wizr]

uh....LAME! That’s it!!

[TornadoAlley3]

*

[Travis T. OJustice]

Whiskey! The breakfast of pirates! Arrgggh!

Whiskey? Arrrrrrrgh, how dare you say whiskey!

[Lucky9teen]

They’re Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).

---

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

---

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

---

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

---

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

---

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

---

Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

---

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I Will Not Pass This Way Again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

---

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

---

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

---

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy.’

---

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

---

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

---

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

---

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

---

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

---

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

---

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.
———————————————————————— -————
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-————————————————— ——— -————————
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

---

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

---

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

---

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

---

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

---

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

---

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours’ -———————————————————————————————————————————————————

[doubled]

The hokey pokey

[fredhead]

You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Could explain why I'm ambidexterous (except in writing).

[fredhead]

I really don’t think Solomon was so wise.

I mean, he had 1000 wives.

Think about it, on any one day aroung 36 of them (minimum) would be having “that time of the month.”

I can barely handle the one wife I have.

[TexasCajun]

Caption not required:

[Lucky9teen]

Who will help me plant my wheat?” asked the little red hen.

“Not I,” said the cow.

“Not I,” said the duck.

“Not I,” said the pig.

“Not I,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” She planted her crop, and the wheat grew and ripened.

“Who will help me reap my wheat?” asked the little red hen.

“Not I,” said the duck..

“Out of my classification,” said the pig.

“I’d lose my seniority,” said the cow.

“I’d lose my unemployment compensation,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen, and so she did.

“Who will help me bake the bread?” asked the little red hen.

“That would be overtime for me,” said the cow.

“I’d lose my welfare benefits,” said the duck.

“I’m a dropout and never learned how,” said the pig.

“If I’m to be the only helper, that’s discrimination,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, “No, I shall eat all five loaves.”

“Excess profits!” cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

“Capitalist leech!” screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

“I demand equal rights!” yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted ‘Unfair!’ picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, “You must not be so greedy.”

“But I earned the bread,” said the little red hen.

“Exactly,” said Barack the farmer. “That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.”

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, “I am grateful, for now I truly understand.”

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the ‘party’ and got her bread free And all the Democrats smiled. ‘Fairness’ had been established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that ‘the rich’ were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That’s $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that t hey couldn’t remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT

[Pan_Yan]

You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

[CJ Wolf]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started...

—————— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -——

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...
—————— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -——
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...
-————— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -——

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started...
—————— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -——

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started...
—————— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -———— -——

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””

” Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started...

—————— -———— -———— -—

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started.....

—————— -———— -———— ———

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

—————— -———— -———— -———— -——

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

—————— -———— -———— -———— ———

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And then the fight started.....

—————— -———— -———— -———— -———— ——

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And then the fight started ...

—————— -———— -———— -———— -———— ——

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary? “

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started....

—————— -———— -———— -———— -———— ——

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started....