***The Official Friday Silliness Thread***

[Lucky9teen]

2008 Year In Review!!!

Herein are some New Years resolutions for Barack Obama, President Elect of the United States.

I will stop trying to fashion myself after Presidents of the past. I am not Lincoln, nor Kennedy, nor even FDR. I resolve to try my upmost to be the sort of President that others will fashion themselves as.

I will not allow any more photos to be taken of myself with my shirt off. It is gratuitous and somewhat vain.

I will accept that fact, now having had the national security briefings, that George W. Bush had things mostly right and will make policy accordingly. In fact I will occasionally ask him for advice and even, from time to time, send him on diplomatic missions and put him on special commissions.

I will let Sean Hannity and anyone else who wants to, regardless of political persuasion, to buy me a beer.

I will tell the special interest groups in my party to take a hike and do what I think is right.

I will actually be willing to hear the opinions of people who disagree with me and, in fact, will have lunch at the White House at least once a week with two or more such people for a spirited discussion.

I will not have meetings with enemies of the United States except to inform them that they have twenty four hours to surrender.

I will tell Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid that I am President of the United States and I will deal with any member of Congress whom I please.

I will send Joe Biden on constant good will visits to foreign countries, make certain that he isn't given too much responsibility, and pray to God he doesn't insert his foot in his mouth too often.

I will forget the idea of a stimulus package and give everyone a tax holiday. I'll have Louis Gohmert over for the signing ceremony and Nancy Pelosi will like it.

I'll insist that NASA get enough money for a proper return to the Moon program.

I'll take economic advice from actual businessmen and not just academics and Wall Street types.

I'll go easy on the global warming thing until and unless there is actual global warming.
And finally:

I'll inform people who need it that I am not God nor the Messiah. I am just a man, albeit a handsome and clever one.

...but we all know that will never happen....

[Lady Jag]

Your New Year's Resolutions

1) Get a pet monkey

2) Eat less tuna

3) Travel to France

4) Study human sexuality

5) Get in shape with Dance Dance Revolution

What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be?

[null and void]

Your New Year's Resolutions

1) Get a pet chihuahua

2) Eat more oysters

3) Travel to China

4) Study forensics

5) Get in shape with naked yoga

What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be?

[Lady Jag]

I could do yours better than mine!

Chihuahuas are sweet!

Naked yoga is something I’d have to work up to, though.

[unique]

A little Redneck Poem:

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY ‘BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I’D JUST AS SOON YO’ MA DON’T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, ‘THERE’S TROUBLE STILL.’

YOU CAN’T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON’T TELL YO’ MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO’
I KNOW IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YA’ HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YA’ AIN’T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
_____

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER:
$1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB:
$1,000.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

‘Yes?’ she inquires with a knowing smile, ‘Can I help you?’

‘I was wondering,’ whispers the old biker, ‘are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?’

‘Yes,’ she purrs, ‘I am.’

The old biker replies, ‘Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.

[JoeProBono]

[Lady Jag]

[jaycee]

Lady J. You are everywhere....LOL~ This is cute....please tell me what that is they are doing...i just can’t tell. I know they’re being silly and having fun but I can’t see what that is on the wall. Will check back later!

[gargoyle]

...A classic Clease, Good on yer for the post...

[tbpiper]

Study artificial intelligence

Start with the global warming 'scientists'. There's not one molecule of real intellegence between them all.

[rockabyebaby]

In the top 30, woooho!

[Tamar1973]

My New Year's Resolution? Make more youtube videos. http://kr.youtube.com/user/Tamar1973

[JRios1968]

...but I can’t see what that is on the wall.

Why, it's a llama!

[ErnBatavia]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she sh*ts all over you!'

[Lady Jag]

That’s the Monty Python Happy Dance!

I forget what was on the wall, a silly “medical” thing I think.

[BigFinn]

BigFinn Dancin' with the grandkids and the new Prez.

hurry... good until Jan. 14

[faq]

FREE SNOWZILLA!!!

[Lady Jag]

TOP OF THE WORLD!

[Lady Jag]

FUNNIEST CHRISTMAS STORY

This article was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. The following won first prize.


Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they
say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas
morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose
hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-
rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would
buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted tobuy a standard,
uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so
I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled
for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
into the dining room, but Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why
would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by
the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at
home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa
ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to
mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his
pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat
in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
determine the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember from the fireplace to the back of her right
thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
To perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

[Fawn]

R U allergic to cats?

[Fawn]

LOL....that fits. Contains trickery and a rat.

This is mine. I said I wanted to win money.

Your New Year's Resolutions

1) Get a pet frog

2) Eat more cheese

3) Travel to France

4) Study warrior dancing

5) Get in shape with disco dancing

What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be?