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TOP FIVE!!!!

Some Obama jokes:

What did Barack Obama ask when he learned that Russia invade Georgia? Is South Carolina next?

What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama? One is a well dressed, attractive piece of eye-candy. The other kills her own food.

What does Obama say when you sneeze around him? I bless you.

What happens when Obama mentions his relationship with Saul Alinsky? He turns red.

Have you seen the new bumper sticker? It’s Obama bin Biden.

What’s the difference between Osama bin Laden and Obama bin Biden? With Obama bin Biden, you get two for the price of one.

Since Barack Obama likes to play basketball and Sarah Palin was point guard on a state champion basketball team in high school. Obama said he’d like to play Palin in a game of horse. Palin wants a game of one-on-one. “I think I can take him,” she said. “Everyone knows he won’t move to his right.”

What did Obama say when the Reverend Jeremiah Wright asked if he was listening during his sermons? “I’m all ears.”

Speaking of ears, what’s the difference between Barack Obama and Dumbo? Dumbo is smarter than he looks.

Why did Barack Obama cross the road? To help the other side.

Why did John McCain cross the road? He didn’t. He got to the middle and stopped.

Obama claims McCain cheated during the Saddleback Church forum. He knew McCain cheated because he gave straight answers. Politicians aren't supposed to do that.

Obama and McCain were talking in the Senate cloakroom one day. Obama told McCain, “I’ve got a great way to win the cabbie vote. I give them a big tip, which I charge to the taxpayers, and tell them to vote Obama.” McCain responded, “I think my approach is better. I don’t give them any tip and tell them to vote Obama.”

People worry that McCain, if elected, might not last four years due to his age. Others worry that America, if Obama’s elected, might not last four years due to his policies.

Why won’t Obama laugh at himself? He doesn’t want to be accused of being a racist.

Why won’t Obama drink Pepsi? He wrote in his book that he prefers Coke.

Why is Jimmy Carter campaigning hard for Obama? It’s Carter’s one shot to avoid going down in history as the worst president ever.

What does terrorist Bill Ayers think of his friend, Barack Obama? He thinks he’s the bomb.

Why is Obama so skinny? He has to stay light on his feet to walk on water.

What does Obama and Osama bin Laden have in common? They’re both friends with terrorists who bombed the Pentagon.

Where did Obama decry the influence of money on politics? Barbara Streisand’s $28,500 a plate dinner.

Did you notice how Sarah Palin kept referring to McCain as John S. McCain during her speech at the Republican convention? This bewildered conservatives who always thought his middle name was “effing.”

What do Miley Cyrus and Barack Obama have in common? They both attract young people with mindless verses.

What’s the difference between Michelle Obama and pit bull? Pit bulls aren’t angry *all* the time.

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.

Lest you think this is a bad case of ‘no discipline,’ I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few second s of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.

God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.

He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk..

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.
Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead i f I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, ‘what goes in must come out’ and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house.

Having discovered his ‘packages’ on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.
This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: ‘How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.’

And how was your day?