Posted on 09/12/2008 8:34:42 AM PDT by panthermom
An oldie but goodie for college football fans, especially those who live in the south.
Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip in the South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories: NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size: NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people. SOUTH: High school foot ball stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers: NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath. SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor: NORTH: Statues of founding fathers. SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen: NORTH: Also a physics major. SOUTH: Also Miss America .
Heroes: NORTH: Rudy Giuliani SOUTH: Herschel Walker & Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets: NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus. SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game: NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday. SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking: NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking. SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day: NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting 'Game Day Live' to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why 'Game Day Live' is never Broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating: NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band,... Who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium: NORTH: You ask 'Where's the stadium?' When you find it, you walk right in. SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the state's third largest city.
Concessions: NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda. SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played: NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up. SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score: NORTH: Nothing changes. SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male): NORTH: 'Nice play.' SOUTH: 'Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.'
Commentary (Female): NORTH: 'My, this certainly is a violent sport.' SOUTH: 'Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.'
Announcers: NORTH: Neutral and paid. SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game: NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football! And for SEC Fans:
HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
At VANDERBILT: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.
At GEORGIA: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one to stabilize the rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is using for a ladder.
At FLORIDA : It takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.
At ALABAMA : It takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.
At OLE MISS: It takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
At LSU: It takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester hours.
At KENTUCKY : It takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
At TENNESSEE: It takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.
At MISSISSIPPI STATE : It takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, ' GO TO HELL, OLE MISS'.
At AUBURN: It takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama and Georgia, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.
At SOUTH CAROLINA : It takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.
At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas .
Mark Richt vs. The Evil Genius, GO DAWGS!!!!!!!!!!
WAR EAGLE!
I have the priviledge of living in “The Loveliest Village on the Plain” and my brother and I will be hosting a get-together of the AU Band Alumni in November. Planning has begun now, with AU Band A stained-glass windows in the family room, a flag proclaiming this is the place and we expect a good crowd coming over after the game. The party starts Friday afternoon and will continue into the wee smalls on Sunday.
Then, we’ll have a quick nap before church and afterward watch the video of our half-time (also the game) while we much on bar-be-cue left-overs.
I’m a Tennessee graduate...they must have followed me around.
I also live in the “Lovliest Village”
WAR DAMN EAGLE!
ps—Republican HQ is in the corner of N.College and Glenn St. and will have plently of McCain-Palin yard signs and bumperstickers available on Monday.
You do live in a beautiful place and one of my favorites to visit during Fall football. Enjoy the day and treasure these years.
That’s what I love about the South!
Obviously never been to Michigan, Ohio State, Notre Dame or (my Alma Mater) Penn State...please. There are some awesome football schools in the ACC and SEC but Real football is played in the cold.
‘At SOUTH CAROLINA : It takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.’
And that we at least beat Georgia!
That was last year!!!
Hey, we don’t call Spurrier the Evil Genius for nothing!
It can also be played in the heat. USC Trojan fans may recall the 1998 Purdue game, the 1981 Oklahoma game, or the 1944 UCLA game, when the mercury in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum soared into the triple digits. By the way, the Trojans won all of those games.
All great games, no doubt...just doesn’t feel like football to me unless it’s cold, hence the term: ‘Football Weather’. Hot temps are for baseball fans. ;~)
Or even driven through those states on a Friday night in fall ... drive through pitch black on back roads, see a glow way off in the distance, and after a few minutes drive through a little town with a pretty sizeable football stadium packed to the gills. Repeat every half hour or so.
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