Early Movie Review: 3-D Spectacle "Beowulf" is Fun "300" as Played by WWE Characters

Debbie Schlussel: Early Movie Review: 3-D Spectacle "Beowulf" is Fun "300" as Played by WWE Characters

It's definitely not for kids. And I didn't care for the right-in-your-face naked CGI rear ends of Beowulf (Ray Winstone) and Grendel's Mother (a skank played by a skank--Angelina Jolie). But I thoroughly enjoyed "Beowulf"--the 3-D marvel, in theaters tomorrow (Friday). And, yes, guys, this movie is for you. Dragons, fire, monsters, kings, warriors, swords, damsels in distress--this has all those and more.

It's the story of the swashbuckling, but exaggeratingly braggadocious, fair-haired warrior Beowulf who saves Danish King Hrothgar's (Anthony Hopkins) kingdom from the monster Grendel, who has been terrorizing and murdering his people. While fighting him naked (there's a lot of trouble taken to obfuscate Beowulf's groin region with various objects), Beowulf manages to kill Grendel and win Hrothgar's queen (Robin Wright Spicoli, er . . . Penn) for whom he lusts. But that's only half the battle. The bigger battle is to resist the charms of Grendel's skanky demon mother and kill her, instead of sleeping with her and spawning new Grendels. But man is mortal, subject to lust, and, alas, not brave enough to resist temptation. Or is he? This also stars John Malkovich who is vintage funny, obnoxious, weird Malkovich in this one.

Yes, guys, Angelina Jolie is naked (and far better looking in animation than in reality), but those regions are obfuscated in the animation (but for a better crafted rear end). Sorry.

"Beowulf" is getting panned by some critics, but I disagree with them. If you're an adult who enjoys epic, swashbuckling tales of old, you'll probably like it. If you liked the far superior "300," you'll definitely like this sort of comic book version of it.

It's like "300" on steroids, a little drunk, and starring WWE characters who have far less courage and morality. That's because "Beowulf" doesn't really take itself seriously. There is a lot of parody and silly humor sewn into this movie based on the epic poem they force you to read in high school. In fact, Beowulf is played by Ray Winstone, who resembles a much hotter version of WWE's wife-beater Stone Cold Steve Austin. That's the computer generated imaging (CGI) working, as the real-life Winstone is schleppy and his onscreen Beowulf is a hot, muscular blond warrior adonis.

This movie is a new form of CGI. Real actors--Anthony Hopkins, Skankelina Jolie, and others are filmed in real life, painted over and presented in 3-D. It looks like part animation, part real.

The 3-D effects in this one are so real, so in-your-face, it's almost headache-inducing (and in my case, it was headache-inducing). Points of spears and, yes, as I wrote, the butts of swashbuckling Beowulf and Grendel's mother. Limbs of dead or maimed characters coming at you, along with water, blood, and other flying objects. Characters faces right in yours. It's really fantastic to see. And while it's great in a standard moviehouse, it's best seen at an IMAX theater, if there's one close by.

Again, definitely not for kids--as it's bloody, violent, scary (all made more so by the AMAZING! 3-D effects), and full of adult themes and sexual double entendres. And it's definitely not the textbook, dull tome I remember reading in school. So, it doesn't serve educational purposes.

“What they did was really a completely different story”

OK, I just made the mistake of seeing it today. We went because of a favorable review in the WSJ. I can’t believe that they made this heroic tale into humanistic brainwashing propaganda.

The appeal of mythic hero stories is that there is someone out there who is worth emulating and that evil can be defeated.

But, in in this version the hero poo poos his reputation. Unlike the authentic character, this “Beowulf” lies about his deeds and doesn’t actually defeat the chief demon.

The film sends the message that to believe in a savior who is capable of defeating evil is foolish.

Instead we are supposed to believe that sixth century Viking warriors don’t call on the gods because “the gods only do for us what we do for ourselves.”

This film is blasphemy for Beowulf devotees. The producers should be sued for using his name in the title.

Perhaps most outrageous is that the final scene is dominated by Grendal’s mother still hovering around the body of Beowulf (who doesn’t seem to go to valhalla)and is present to tempt the new king. This is so wrong.

With Oden and “the new Roman god Christ” dismissed from the story’s universe, we are left in the end with a powerful demon trying to wreck more corruption — so much for eliminating the point of epic myth that usually seeks to bring closure to the problem of evil.

Are they thinking of a sequel?

There are a few good points, such as some of the effects are nice. Grendal does look exactly as you might imagine him. But, you should be aware the the computer graphic imagery is often cartoonish and not fluent like 300.

I went in with such hopes. This Demythologed Beowulf is plain stupid.

“It is no shame to be curse by demons.” It is a shame to waste time seeing this cursed film.

This film was an extremely well down piece of heritical bs.

I was more upset than I thought I would be, b/c the film had an agenda. I knew that they changed the story, but I didn’t think it was going to be in pursuit of an agenda - and an agenda which the real “Beowulf” promotes the opposite of.

Sigh.

A real lost opportunity here. They could have done something to enrich our culture here, but instead, they decide to defecate on the western tradition, yet again. Oh, well, at least they didn’t work in a favorable mention of Islam (though had it been set later, they probably would have done that, also).

Yes, did you notice that this Beowulf directly attacks Christianity by saying something about Christians have done away with heroes? Totally unnecessary for the story and it is the opposite from the truth historically. Considering that Christian monks who first recorded the story meant it as a Christian metaphor.

This film makes the demon the most appealing and powerful character in the story — could be a Freudian slip by the movie makers influenced by the dark side more than they know?

Instead of a story that is supposed to make us joyful that evil is defeated, we are made to feel sorry for the monster and admire the golden “son” that Beowulf never knew at the end.

Gad. And the king and his aide are made to look like over sexed, guttonous fools, when the origional is a king and court who are noble victims. You almost think that these Viking deserve to be killed.

AND, come to think of it, why were the computer graphics cartoonish and waxy? 300 wasn’t like that at all.

Seems like they would have made a better film and whole lot more money if they had tired to follow George Lucas formula of simply re-telling a hero myth.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.