Well, before looking in on the links and formulating cogent replies to the questions, I CAN respond to the one about looks (appearance / attractiveness): It’s very important to me. I Don’t look for “movie star” or “fashion model” beauty, but I do want a mate that I find attractive. Once attracted, though, it is important that we are compatible in other ways: common interests, a similar outlook on social/political issues, etc. And there’s the rub. I don’t consider myself an attractive specimen, and I wonder if I’m being “shallow.”
Not shallow honest
I know exactly how you feel. Looks aren't everything, but if that's the first thought that comes to my mind every time I see someone, I'm never going to have romantic feelings for her. I've spent a tremendous amount of time around women for whom I felt no attraction because I've been told so many times that attraction will often come later. We've built real friendships, but the attraction has never come.
I think that some amount of attraction has to be there in the beginning. I know of one woman whom I considered about as beautiful as anyone. When I first saw her, I could see that she had what most would consider to be good looks, but I didn't think she was all that spectacular. She was married, so I didn't really care. On the other hand, I was amused at the effect she had on other guys. I later had a chance to get to know her better, and I realized that she was a really neat lady in every way. As I came to find her personality attractive, I started to see her as being absolutely beautiful.
I also agree that there has to be more to the relationship than just a physical attraction. If we don't have some things in common and can't agree on some basic philosophies of living, the relationship won't be successful.
I also understand the feeling that I'm nothing special to attract the kind of woman who I would find attractive.