Posted on 07/30/2007 11:09:17 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
A relationship is like a cable TV package. There's plenty of comedy, plenty of action, and maybe even the occasional bit of dirty programming on demand.
But there are also a lot of dead spots on the dial that you wish you could just skip over. Those dead spots typically come as the relationship equivalent of the WWE channel - highly predictable fights, skirmishes, and verbal sparring you've seen too many times before.
These fleeting spats and lingering problems can wound a relationship. The source of relationship fights certainly varies from couple to couple; in a survey of more than 2,000 men for my book "Men, Love & Sex," 38 percent of men said they fight about money, 24 percent said they fight about sex, 13 percent said they fight about in-laws.
While what you fight about is certainly important, so is how you fight. Fight nicely and you can solve the biggest of problems; fight nasty and the cap on a tube of toothpaste can turn into a federal case. To deal with the actual content of your relationship problems, you can clear one hurdle simply by knowing your partner's fighting style - what he does and why he does it. Do you recognize your man here?
The D.A. Personality Type: Competitive
About 20 percent of men in this survey admit that they say they fight like lawyers - trying to demolish a woman's arguments with logical, rational reasoning to catch her in a lie or make her confess. This tactic may mean that the guy wins the logical side of the disagreement, but his battering-ram style won't win him any emotional points in the long run.
The Surfer Personality Type: Lllllaaaaaaaid Back
Goes with the flow, dude. About 15 percent of men responded that the way they fight is by not fighting at all. This kind of guy lets life roll off his back - he understands the woman's point of view, and he tries to make her happy, even at his own expense. Works well in many cases, but not all the time - especially for the woman who subconsciously may want a fight, just to make sure he's as emotionally invested in the relationship as she is.
The Old-School Patriarch Personality Type: Stuffy
Silent treatment. No words, no confession, no way you're going to trip him up into seeing it your way, because he's not saying a word. The passive-aggressive move - the most frustrating of all fighting tactics - only works to infuriate, which is exactly why he does it. The short-term satisfaction of making her madder usually doesn't pay long-term dividends.
The Salesman Personality Type: Smooth
About a quarter of men admitted in the survey that they will say "I love you" to get themselves out of arguments. It's a good, charming move -one that can work, and one that he most likely uses when he knows he's wrong. He uses adoration to substitute for confession.
The Poet Personality Type: Stubborn and Soft
He does something wrong, he knows it, he tries to explain why he did it, she doesn't buy it, he backs off. Now, he reverts to his preferred method of communication: email. The carefully crafted message - complete with confession, explanation, compliments, and a dash of humor - allows him a chance to speak without conflict. It's safe, though a smidge cowardly. But he uses it to control his feelings and the message - and to end the argument as soon as possible.
So you can see that couples have as many ways of arguing as Eskimos have terms for describing snow. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. When two people are close, there's bound to be some friction. Watching anything from the great Tracy-Hepburn movie collection will show you that when sparks fly, heat is produced.
It can either burn down the house, or warm it up. To make sure it's the latter, be sure to use your sparks to clear the tinder of misunderstandings and annoyances, so the relationship is free to grow tall and strong.
A bond that's worth fighting for is most definitely worth fighting over, so long as both partners are willing to listen to their partner, and change their behavior, for the good of the couple.
Weak list. Must be a newlywed. He left out the “intentional misunderstanding” where you shift the grounds of argument to something else, the “Did you hear about” where you shift the conversation to some gossip where someone did something even worse than you did, the “You must feel awful about that” where you simply empathize with whatever your wife is feeling, even if you don’t understand it or why you are responsible for it, and the “I’ve promised the kids” where you claim some need to escape that also benefits your wife by giving her some free time . . .
Rank amateur.
I’d rather deal with the D.A. type, because that’s how I am. I can understand that type.
Competitive.
Are you really “battering ram competitive” Star? Strangely I have never been really competitive, perhaps too easy going!!
[“intentional misunderstanding” where you shift the grounds of argument to something else,]
These threads always interest me but isn’t what you wrote really getting into dishonesty and maneuvering, rather than honestly discussing something to try to solve it?
These threads always interest me but isn’t what you wrote really getting into dishonesty and maneuvering, rather than honestly discussing something to try to solve it?
_______________________________________________________
2 responses. 1) Yes, I have legal training, I just can’t help myself. 2) A lot of problems with women, in my experience, go away once a man realizes that a woman isn’t aiming at solving a problem, but just wants understanding and assurance.
Ahh, good response there!! I abhor dishonesty and that’s why I wrote.
Yes, as a woman I say you are correct about the understanding and assurance part, but I do like to ‘solve the problem’ too!!
My Chuck Norris Fu Is Strong.
I had an old Italian fellow, married for decades, explain to me when I was newly married that women aren't idiots; they see the same solutions we do most of the time. His strategy was: "The basement at work flooded? Oh, that must have really interfered with your day! Did your shoes get wet?" I've laughed and laughed over the years at how well it "works" to NOT solve problems.
LOL, I’m thinking you must enjoy ‘working’ endlessly on the problem rather than solving it!!
[What a bunch of cowardly Milquetoasts these answers be! ]
Not being a history buff and judging by Patrick Henry’s quote, I’m wondering if he was married, lolol.
“Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!”
No — HIS is competitive! LOL!!!
Anybody wanna arm-wrestle?
Being too coy to come in from the rain—or too cheap to spring for an umbrella for your big night out is NOT a fighting style ! ;^)
[No — HIS is competitive! LOL!!!]
Lol, that’s better! And you are just a ‘sweetie pie’ like me, huh??
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