Posted on 07/18/2007 10:22:37 AM PDT by Millee
Most little girls play with dolls when they're young, miming the age-old role for women: marrying and building a family.
And, for some, there is a stigma around women who don't want to have children. Old stories and fairy tales paint single women without children poorly -- as spinsters or witches.
It seems odd that these stereotypes would continue to live today, suggests Madelyn Cain, author of "The Childless Revolution: What It Means To Be Childless Today."
Making The Decision
Despite the potential negative reaction from friends and families, many women, such as teacher Samantha Henderson, make the decision to live without raising children of their own.
"Every woman's dream is supposedly to have children. Does this mean I am not a woman, because I have chosen not to have any? No," said Henderson. "Instead, it makes me responsible for my actions."
Statistics show that more women are choosing to remain childless as they pursue careers and lives that don't focus on raising children. The U.S. Census found that the percentage of women in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s who don't have children has been growing over the past decade. According to The Social Health of Marriage in America, a report from the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, in 2004 almost one out of five women in their early 40s was childless. In 1976, it was one out of 10.
Visions Of Life Change
"Childlessness is growing in the U.S., and the reason is that more and more women are becoming educated and entering the work world," said Cain. "They're in a position to make some powerful decisions in their lives."
And, she said, sometimes they didn't know that they would decide not to start a family.
"(Childless women) didn't think they'd be childless. They always thought they'd have children," said Cain. "Often, their jobs took up a lot of energy, and they decided life was too frantic, or they didn't feel that being a working woman and a mother blended in a way they thought was right."
Cain said that these are not the "tragically childless" or those who made the decision when they were young.
"One thing that surprised me was how many childless people were in the service field as nurses, teachers or therapists," she said. "They are very nurturing people, by nature."
How Society Reacts
"We are a hypocritical society," said Cain. "On one hand, we tell women that they have the right to have an abortion, but we expect them to have children at some point in their lives."
If we're going to champion women's rights, we can't pass judgment onto those who choose to live their lives without having children, Cain said.
"Many believe that you're not whole if you don't have children," said Cain. "The expectation is that if you marry, the next step is to have a child. For some people, that is the right choice, but for others, it isn't correct."
It's apparent, when viewing census statistics, that more adults feel that a childfree lifestyle is correct for them. According to the U.S. Census Bureau report on Fertility in American Women, in 2004, 44 percent of American women of childbearing ages were childless. That's an increase from 35 percent of women in 1976.
"I stand by my decision (not to have children)," said Henderson. "I get asked from time to time whether or not I plan on having children. I simply tell them, 'No,' and leave it at that."
"I shouldn't have to justify myself to anyone," she said.
Living Childless
Children may bring joy to people's lives, but Cain said studies have suggested that childless families are happiest.
"There isn't a division of energies or financial drain; you have the chance to follow your choices, develop yourself and go further in business," she said.
Choosing to be childless isn't all about self-development. Often, friends and family members are perplexed by the decision to not have children. It can be stressful for adults to deal with those close to them asking when they are going to have a child. It is understandable if a woman's mother wants a grandchild, but that woman doesn't need to take that stress and pressure on herself, simply because her mother has a desire to be a grandparent, Cain said.
"No woman should have children to fulfill someone else's needs," said Cain.
When a woman is approached with the question of why she is are childless, Cain suggests a few responses.
"You can be upfront and tell them, 'We have made the decision to not have children,'" she said. "Or tell them, 'We're thinking about it' and let it unfold."
Don't All Women Love Children?
"Just because people tell you that you'd make a great mother doesn't mean you have to have children," said Cain. "There's a big difference between appreciating children and wanting to have them."
Some may argue that choosing to be childless is a selfish decision. Others counter that choosing to have children because you want them is also a selfish decision.
"My dream was to have a positive impact on people's lives," said Henderson. "As a teacher, I have accomplished that goal."
Despite other ways of giving, sometimes women without kids do feel like they did something wrong.
"Childless women in their 50s, who were raised in a more traditional society, have a sense of guilt about not having children," said Cain. "Younger women are determining what they want for themselves."
But the judgment of others comes naturally.
"It's upsetting to walk into a meeting with someone whose child is sick at home with a 103-degree temperature," said Cain. "You wonder about priorities. 'Why isn't she at home with them?'"
Later In Life
Some people also wonder what will happen to women without a brood when they age.
But parents who have children without the expectation that their children will care for them in their older years can be disappointed. Often, children offer little more than a few visits a year.
"Having children to take care of you as you get older is selfish," said Cain. "If you were a good parent, you would nurture your children and raise them to take care of their dreams, not care for their parents."
It is understandable to be concerned about the older years, but those choose to be childless seem unconcerned -- emotionally and financially. According to TheSeniorJournal.com, Baby Boomers without children fare just as well during their retirement years as their peers with children.
Many communities developed for retirees focus on active lifestyles and self-sufficiency. Individuals find that these communities offer something far different from the nursing homes from years past.
"Now that things are changing, it will be interesting to see the power and influence these women have in the future," said Cain.
Thanks, I love your site!
Thank you for putting me in my place with your words of wisdom.
When I was growing up the concern was overpopulation. It will not be possible to change at this late date. There were 150 million USA citizens and you could go for a Sunday drive without encountering gridlock. There were stars in the night sky. It’s how it looks to this one, which is no more than a viewpoint of which everyone has one.
*************
Thanks, but it's not really mine. It just seems that way sometimes.
Yes, everyone has a right to their viewpoint. I just had to add my own.
I've no intention of putting you in any place, nor am I under the illusion that I am wise.
Just commenting on your comments.
“Since the few who have husbands will generally outlive them, they are more or less guaranteed to die alone.”
Some of us don’t like people all that much anyway, LOL!
Damn good comback girlfriend.....
Sorta like “Last one alive gets the remote!”
I get the exact opposite line of questioning. “You’re having another one? Don’t you know what causes that? Are you going to have your tubes tied this time so you don’t have to have any more?”
I’m only working on my 4th child. Can’t imagine what Tax-chick has had to put up with!! :o)
Anyway, questions about children from either side is just so rude and way too personal!
Hee hee...It’s all I can do to put up with having my hubby around. I could not handle having anyone else in the house, like kids, or elderly parents. I am exhausted on the weekends when hubby is home. I am an introvert, and I need my alone time in order to remain a healthy and productive human being. I think God knows what I need, because he made me, and I believe that he did not create me to be a mom. I would love to spend holidays in a quiet way with just my hubby, no extended family. Someday I hope to live in a cabin in the woods and become a hermit writer.
We
are
twins.
No matter what, there are always the know-it-alls who’ll try to make you feel evil and selfish.
They are the evil ones.
Ignore them. We all weren’t made for the same things.
My kids are so loud that I can't hear what anyone says, anyway.
So, only good looking people get married?
Have you seen ....
Wait... I have a list.
Where is it written that the person who takes care of you in your elder years must be a blood relative?
I have people in my life that I watch over in their autumnal years - and they are no relation to me. Just dear friends who have become like family.
In today's world... sometimes... A Family is just a group of Friends who love you.
Blood doesn't create that.
Oh, thank you for saying that! I have often feel like a defective person, and have just recenlty learned to appreciate my introverted self.
It’s so easy for others to judge those who choose not to have kids, and their favorite label is “selfish,” along with “not living in God’s will.” I don’t understand what drives people to judge that way, except for the ego boost it gives them to put others down. If they were so secure in their decision to have kids, why would they criticize those who make a different decision? Maybe they are jealous, LOL!
No, the people who whine and cry most about Mexicans "stealing" jobs are those who haven't tried to find enough "American" workers to pick a whole apple crop recently, and would probably whine about the prices if the farmers did so.
Those who whine and cry most about America's "ethnic balance" are racists.
Having children to try to ensure a color balance in the country, or the world, is probably the worst reason I can think of to do so. The human species will become whatever color it's going to become with or without my input. More power to them!
She has no life because she has no kids, or because she is talking about it????????
Oh Jersey, I had enough kids for both of us, so go ahead and enjoy your life without guilt. Like you have any anyway. :D
Shimmer
Thanks Shimmer...
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