In an announcement planned for later today, it was learned that ABC will hire conservative Ann Coulter to replace Rosie O'Donnell on "The View".

A spokesperson for ABC said, "While exceptionally talented Progressive Rosie O'Donnell was an excellent catalyst for high ratings and lifted us to the pinnacle of daytime television with her wit, charm, warm personality and ability to present rational, thoughtful insight to issues of the day and we'll truly miss her, we think Ann will show America the polar opposite of rational thought with her deep rooted, albeit incorrect, conservative beliefs. We think her conservative views will not only provide much needed comedy relief, but it will enable those who have no jobs and nothing better to do than stay home all day, eating Bon Bon's and watching shows such as "The View", to be better equipped to vote for the Democratic of their choice on election day."

They continued, "We want everyone out there to know that by hiring Ann, we're proving we're a fair and balanced network and do not favor one party over the other."

In other news:

Microsoft to Buy The U.S Government

REDMOND, Wash. - May 08, 2007 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth," said former Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone."

Microsoft representatives held a briefing with Speaker of the House Nacy Pelosi (D-CA), and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal." The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of this year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 2008 at latest," according to Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Vice President Dick Cheney stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Steve Ballmer. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority, Cheney smiled and referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say that Microsoft has a "proven track record," and that U.S. citizens should offer the new arrangement their "full support and confidence." Cheney will reportedly be earning several times the annual salary he currently earns as Vice President, in his new role at Microsoft.

Former Microsoft chairman Bill Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond, Washington as "silly," though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy," he observed, "and look how well we're doing."

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place." Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft: Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States: Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

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