An unofficial weekend (substitute) thread - Feb 9-11 (the dark side?)

A recent "Valentine's" discussion thread turned to flame wars and ended when someone complained to the management. That end is unfortunate because the thread might have provoked some worthwhile discussion. I can't quote the exact question, but the general thought was:

For those who aren't in a meaningful relationship on this Valentine's Day, what are you doing to prepare for that relationship when it comes?

I'm a lonely single, and I realize that the week around Valentine's Day can leave many of us with feelings a little more raw than usual. I realize that for many of us, the first thought is that we're doing nothing to prepare for a relationship because there's no point in preparing for something that is a lost cause. Regardless of whether one believes that a relationship is still a possibility, the question is interesting. For those who don't believe that they will find a relationship, the question changes to:

As you've come to believe that you won't find a long-term romantic relationship, what changes have you made to reflect this new strategy on life?

An example of an answer to the second question might be something like:

I always believed that I would get married and have children, so I always bought cars with four doors and a full back seat. I didn't want to be forced into buying a new car two years into a marriage because a baby was on the way and I needed a vehicle with a back seat. When I realized that I would never marry or have a family, I traded the sedan for a sports car. Maybe the sports car will bring more female attention, but those women are too shallow for the kind of relationship that I envision.

I think intelligent people could have a good discussion around either question. Even those who have largely given up might have some interesting thoughts on what they used to do to prepare for a future relationship or what they would advise young people to do to prepare. I'd like to throw these questions open for discussion.

In hopes of avoiding another flame war, I'd ask that people observe a few courtesies.

As I said previously, this week is not a fun time for some of us. We're a little more defensive than usual. I've often referred to Valentine's Day as "National rub my face in my failures day." For some of us who've reached our late 30's and 40's with little hope of success, retreating into grim jokes about life, romance, or anything else is a helpful release. This thread may not be a "sunshine and flowers" thread, and if a darker discussion is a problem for you, please consider visiting one of the many "happy talk" threads about Valentine's Day.

If your religious beliefs tell you that being single is a great thing, that's fine. I'm happy for you, and I'm happy that we live in a country where you can hold and express those beliefs. As for me, I hate being single. I hate it with all of my heart and all of my mind and all of my being. I hate everyone who ever gave me advice or advocated ideas that led me towards the mistakes that caused me to be single. If you want to express your "single is wonderful even on Valentine's Day" views, that's fine, but I'd really rather see a thread focused around the "how to prepare" or "how to change life strategies" questions. If you believe that being single is wonderful, please respect others' right to express different feelings even if they don't make you feel all sunny and happy.

We may have some bad feelings and express them in hard words, but there's no point in having a "men are horrible/women are horrible" kind of thread. I'm alone because I've failed to build a relationship right now and so are you. My failures are not entirely my fault, and neither are yours. The problem isn't "all men" or "all women." Sometimes, we can find interesting truth in generalizations, but broad accusations rarely produce anything of value.

If you need to vent, vent, but I would like people to steer somewhat towards thoughts around these two questions.

It really helps having a young herding dog that MUST be exercised daily (if I want my shoes and throw-pillows to survive!) but it also helps knowing that I have a better mental/emotional perspective when my physical self is in shape.

Do you have a good place to run her? I just returned from a 3.6 mile walk along the road near my home. Unfortunately, the influx of people to this area after the storms means that the whole area is going from a rural/suburban setting where walking along the road is safe to a denser suburban setting where I may not be able to have a safe or pleasant walk.

I've found that walking is good for my mental state if I have a safe, pleasant place to walk and don't have to drive to get there. If I have to get in and out of my car, I lose some of the emotional benefit. I do some other exercise. Those activities have some benefit to my head, but nothing beats walking to relax me and help me think clearly.

The walking is also good for me physically, but I've never found that walking gave me big results.

You could be right. I've only known people who went to Toastmasters, not been there. Say, the engineers I know met at work. Maybe they have a social group, though.

The one singles group in town that I thought was interesting was at one of the museums, where they have a single happy hour once a month. Just a couple hours, not long enough for anyone to get sauced.

I would NEVER look for a women only book club. 'Splanation: I did my independent study work in feminst lit. Not my choice. Gag me.

As for preparing for a relationship, I do not know what to do, since I do not have any experience in this game.

I don't really have any strategy for that either. I just write my novel as usual.

Are you doing any research for the characters in your novel? Could you incorporate research for your own life into research for you novel's characters? If you have a plot for your novel, could you create a similar plot for your own life as if it were a novel? I know that all of this is easier said than done, but I wondered whether you'd ever looked at strategy for your own life in the way that you'd plan a plot for a book.

I haven't had to make any changes my default personality setting is for this state. Attempts to alter this default setting is what made me miserable I simply cannot fake it long enough to snag someone and even if I could they'd wise up eventually and trade for a better model.I find myself much happier alone and fortunately most those around me see it as well though there are the few relatives that take it upon themselves to try to intervene but their efforts die as quickly as my own did. No great loss.

If you're happy with this situation, that's great. Beyond the default personality, what about your plans for life? Is there anything in particular that you would advise for people planning to stay single?

I was trying to encourage you to lighten up some, that's all. I wasn't trying to pry or insult.

I took no offense. I just didn't pick up the right meaning.

I've also learned that certain fears serve no purpose other than to rob someone of the 'today' s/he has.

I agree that this can be a problem. Unfortunately, I'm not always successful fighting those fears. I guess no one always wins against them.

Most people change. Maybe you don't. For all you know, your arthritis could get so bad down the road that you wouldn't want your four seasons anymore.

I could decide by that time that I don't want all four seasons. Mostly, I talk about the retirement property as an example of a change that one might make after deciding that a relationship isn't going to happen. I still think that if a relationship is a possibility, finding the dream home together would be more fun.

It sounds like your goals might best be served by moving where you want and finding someone after you get there.

My field of engineering is pretty specialized and the relatively small job field means that I don't have good geographic flexibility. I'm trying to keep career options open, and I might look at going somewhere better. Unfortunately, I can't plan on being able to find work in any location that I might like.

Thanks again for the good thoughts.

Bill

The one singles group in town that I thought was interesting was at one of the museums, where they have a single happy hour once a month. Just a couple hours, not long enough for anyone to get sauced.

That's a good thought.

I would NEVER look for a women only book club. 'Splanation: I did my independent study work in feminst lit. Not my choice. Gag me.

LOL

Thanks. I used to do the same thing; tell myself it would be no big deal, plan on being alone for the holiday, etc., but always found - of course on THE holiday & AFTER having turned down invitations and/or failed to make a plan - the loneliness would come on strong and I'd cry and be alone and feel pretty bummed. A few friends pointed out that we are human and holidays ARE special, though, and suggested that if I "fail to plan, I plan to fail" and somehow that stuck with me, so now I make a plan.

But the best of plans don't always work - this Christmas I totally flaked on going to this one party I'd planned to go to, mainly because the hosts (longtime, dear friends) told me "we want to introduce you to ___" and at the last minute I got intimidated and felt like there was no way I could match up to the good descriptions my friends probably gave that guy - total self-esteem downer moment. So I stayed home and called my best friend and admitted I didn't feel like being "interviewed" as a potential date by the mutual friend, and I felt like that whole scenario would be uncomfortable due to that factor. That was an overreaction - it would have been simple to show up and meet the guy and enjoy everyone else at the party I already knew - but at the time, avoiding it seemed like the thing to do. Yet I remain single, and avoiding that party was part of my contribution to my ongoing single status.

Right now I actually have to go pick up the gift I reserved and go to the b-day party of a newlywed friend - she's sickeningly happy and their apartment is full of sickeningly cute framed "couple" pictures, too (LOL!). Hope you have a nice evening.

Well it is a sci-fi novel whose main characters are soldiers. Naturally, none of the characters are anything at all like me and I have already completed 132 pages on it.

I could do a short story about what you recommended, but I do not know how I could make it exciting lol. In terms of strategy, usually while writing one event (such as a battle), I am planning the next event in my head (the aftermath of the battle or next battle or other thins the characters do).

First, let me say I am sorry you are bummin. I hope by next year this time, you have found what you are looking for.

Having said that, I have been married for seven years to a person who is a perfect fit for me. I found him quite by accident, through work, and I wasn't looking at all. I was lucky, but I would be happy if I were single, as well. There are really great things about both situations, and there are really sucky things about both, too.

I think when you focus too much on what might be or what you don't have, you not only become depressed/angry/bitter about it, you just might push away the person you are looking for.

I have a sibling who always wanted to grow up and get married. And as soon as she was 18, that is exactly what she did. She is now on her fourth marriage, and is still not happy. She always wanted to be married, but marriage never makes her happy. The grass is always greener on the other side of her fence.

Relax. Buy the land. Live your life in a way that makes you happy right now. And I bet, in that process, you will be surprised by who you meet.

Beyond the default personality, what about your plans for life?

do stuff, die , stop doing stuff.

Is there anything in particular that you would advise for people planning to stay single?

Free advice is worth what you paid for it especially unsolicited free advice. Save your pennies go see and do what you want and don't let anyone grind you down.

As far as groups go, you can always join a conservative group in your area. Look on townhall.com, or look at the GOP website for your state.

Even if you don't want to dive into the politically active arena, at least you know the women you will meet will have shaved armpits.

Seriously, with groups like that, you will have an automatic shared interest with which you can strike up a conversation. Having the same conservative outlook on life would seem to me to be a very important aspect of a successful relationship.

You work in a big plant. Are there no women there? Just wondered.

I've always felt hugely awkward about dating someone at work. I know that "everyone does it" these days, but I'm still not comfortable crossing that taboo.

The best is when every look is a paragraph, every touch is a volume, every awakening is a masterpiece.

Nicely stated.

Relax. Buy the land. Live your life in a way that makes you happy right now. And I bet, in that process, you will be surprised by who you meet.

Thanks for the kind words. The "relax and let it happen" strategy has never worked well for me. Come to think of it, I've never had much luck with that strategy in any area of my life. However, I am focused on finding the best path forward under the assumption that I won't find a partner. The situation bothers me, but I wouldn't want to go the route that your sister has. I plan things pretty hard and pull back if the situation isn't right.

As far as groups go, you can always join a conservative group in your area. Look on townhall.com, or look at the GOP website for your state.

I've been involved in several campaigns in the five years that I've been here. I've never met anyone who was appropriate for me, but I have met some nice married people. I did meet one young lady who I need to call. She's less than half my age, so a romantic relationship probably isn't appropriate, but I need to maintain the friendship. Thanks for the reminder.

She's less than half my age, so a romantic relationship probably isn't appropriate

I'm assuming that means she's twenty something. Go for it. Happiness comes in all shapes and sizes. Don't apply rules to it when you just might be happy.

Even if she is not "the one", if you were to go out with her for a while you might find another avenue while socializing with her.

You DO need to relax a little. I have never read so many rigid boundaries. Loosen up, have fun, call that woman, see what happens. Life is too short to have so many restrictions.

Plan less, live more. : )

Thanks. I had to laugh a bit at the rigid boundaries comments. I'm an engineer, and we're notoriously bad about not being able to turn off our engineering approach. We're rigid and anal about many things, but folks seem to appreciate driving over bridges knowing that someone extremely nitpicky was thinking about making the bridge stand.

Bill

PS. She wasn't home.

Yeah I would need to start a new story for that, and it would be near impossible for me.

If you could learn to write those kinds of stories, there'd be big money. Women like to read, and a guy who can write for them can market his writing. My one advantage is that the first person to encourage me to try fiction was a young woman. She was really just a friend, but I did find her attractive. She had read my political writing but wanted me to try fiction because political writing bored her. As a result, my first tries at fiction were little "chick flick" short stories that I thought she might like. I thought they were horrible, but she kind of liked them. Maybe you can find some young lady just to evaluate your writing. Of course, I can say this easily but I can't find someone like that for myself. If you find one, ask if she has a sister. If I find one, I'll ask the same for you. LOL

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