The official weekend (substitute) thread (9-11th Feb 2007)

Next week is Valentine's Day which for some of us if we are single can be depressing on the other hand we do not have the dilemma will We buy the right bottle of perfume, wine or box of chocolates. Will we pick the right restaurant, movie or play.

Instead of concentrating on the lack of a partner at the time of year lets look at the positives of our lives as singles. Places we can go, things we can do without having to negotiate with a partner.

Some may have children or elderly parents which means you are restricted but even so these are family members that most times offer unconditional love and support even if at times it does not seem like it. A partner gives love but often conditional love, a relationship that has to be worked at rather than being born into. There are great rewards in both and pressures in both.

As singles we can also appreciate and enjoy seeing happy couples this Valentines and sympathising with those who are just acting it out and being thankful once again that being single is preferable in many cases to pretending.

Be positive lets think of happy past Valentine Days maybe as a child for a lot of women when your father made you feel special. I know several families where the father always sends valentine cards to his daughters even though they are grown just to make sure they are not forgotten.

Come on all lets have fun and not dwell on what we do not have but celebrate that what we do have.

Thanks for linking those two sites Spirit & Bill, very good job on the follow up thread, which is what should have occurred here Friday night instead of the turmoil that apparently resulted.

My own situation has not changed much since I was young. I meet people easily & find relationships easy. I am still single after 15 years of divorce by my choice. Offers have been there. I am selective & also cognizant of what I can offer at this stage of my life & in my current circumstances.

I have learned a LOT over the decades about what is right for me & what works for me, I pretty much know what I DONT want & what I do want and believe I am realistic. I know I cannot change the other party & so must be very careful in seeing who he is & what his personality/inner being is.

As I am a Christian, much of my mentality is in the cozy comfort of the Christian walk. For me not a burdensome thing at all.

One thing I have found distressing over the years is the Christian mentality of rules... DOs & DONTs. If you look at the evolution of marriage from scripture it is a bit mind boggling to most Christian apologists/moralists.

Adam & Eve were considered "married". There was no ceremony, state license, gifts & reception. In the history of the early jewish years thru Christianity's early traces, we still see marriage as NOT licensed, ceremony etc. This was true in all of the scripture of the old testament & I challenge you to find evidence that the early Christians varied from the Jewish precedents. There may be the celebrations of the event – called the weddings (as the wedding of Cana) often seen but that was mostly in the families of means, not the common people

These practices of ceremony, license, legality are traditional & now regulated by the state but then were simple or complex agreements between families on the union of their children. Engagement was often (NOT ALWAYS) a green light for sexual relations to begin).

This engagement was not to see if they were sexually compatible, liked each other enough etc.. It was a binding "contract" of sorts. The time was for the man/boy to prepare a home & nest egg for his wife & present the dowry required/requested to seal the deal.

The couple was normally young. The female maybe being 13 or so & the boy in his later teens. A widowed man would also bargain with a family for the rights for their daughters & so a disparity in ages was often the case. In cases like that the deal could be sealed (dowry) on the spot & when the perspective husband calls on the young ladies' dad, if the deal were sealed, he would often take home is bride that same day. Choices? not many.

The play Fiddler on the roof is a delightful story of how the early practices became "modernized" & infiltrated by ritual, ceremonies, free will and rebellion.

Some biblical scholars teach that in the way back days, one's first sexual encounter was their wife/husband.

The Bible teaches sexual purity. It keeps the water from being muddy in life. In marriage & before marriage much pain is inflicted with a looser lifestyle. Many couples who are seriously dating/engaged feel a true commitment & do not feel the are in violation of their faith walk. They are no doubt truer to the early teachings of scripture back to the judea roots

Many Christian moralists will point fingers & say.. aha, but you aren't married.. If they say that they must again go back to God's institution of marriage and compare it to the traditions that man has made with them.

Those without a faith walk or other boundary principles will have varied attitudes regarding sexual activity. A prevailing feeling is that two consenting adults should need no scrutiny

I can tell you from a counselor's perspective, I have NEVER had a young lady married or single say she wished she had had MORE sexual encounters --- rather in fact MOST say they wish they had NONE or more selective experiences.

Most men might think it is fun to sleep around but when it comes time for them to chose a wife, they don't want the one who has. You cannot imagine the number of broken relationships & divorces that result when a man finds out that his wife had a more cloudy past then she revealed.

Honesty will prevent problems from occurring later in marriage. It may also prevent the marriage from occurring but a union based on dishonesty is starting out poorly.

Because our parents no longer for the most part arrange our marriages we do our own shopping.

Spirit has wisely stated the value of a strong friendship as being the basis of a good marriage. I find it amazing how couples are in bed before they often know last names or really ANYTHING of substance about a person other then they are "hot".

A funny / no well sad situation was of a young lady who was pregnant & afraid to tell her baby's father ... she stated she didn't KNOW HIM WELL ENOUGH TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

what??

well, you get the picture.

I guess another telling part of being a counselor is that so many of the couples have little in common/interests with their spouses of many years. The initial "hot" attraction, followed by kids kept the homefront going. Empty nesters find that they really never developed or HAD the friendship & commonality to make a long term relationship not just survive but to thrive. The post empty nest divorce rate is very high for that reason & the extramarital affairs also fine tune the problem we have in our culture with the lack of commitment being tied with the lack of friendship.

They may be your husband or wife, but they aren't truly your friend. That is very sad. Many will stick together but in parallel lives of activity & often affaris for both along the way. I love when I meet couples & they proudly state they are best friends.. They normally glow together & you can tell that without them saying it..but it is nice to hear.

well, I have rambled on & on but feel badly I didn't get to respond to either past days.

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