Posted on 01/25/2007 11:35:49 AM PST by presidio9
Dear America, It's Chelsea Clinton. Remember me? We got to know each other way back in the summer of 1991, when I was 11. Yep, that's right. I was the one with the ill-fitting velvet dress and the princess sleeves. Yeah, the one with all the bows.
We've been through a lot, you and I, haven't we? So many seminal moments. You saw me go through my headband phase, I saw you go through NAFTA. I did complicated dances in ballet class, you did complicated dances in the Middle East. They let me into Stanford, you didn't let gays into the military.
But quite frankly, even though you did your best to leave me alone, America, those years were pretty hard on me. Oh, please. Don't pretend you couldn't tell.
Have you seen photos of yourself when you were in middle school? You probably had braces, and you probably wore clothes that your impossibly geeky parents picked out for you. The pictures probably caught you just as you were going through an awkward growth spurt and you didn't know how to hold yourself in public. And let's not even talk about your hair.
Now imagine if those pictures were on the front pages of newspapers and magazines all over the country.
Imagine if they stayed there. For eight years.
It was a little rough, America. Sure, my curls were always slightly out of control. Fine, my jumpers were always a little bit too prim. And I've learned in the last six years that maybe you would have liked me better if I'd been more of a drunken floozy.
But I survived, somehow. And we sort of lost touch. I got my life back, and I even dated some hot guys! I made friends with Donatella Versace, and I learned not to wash my hair every day. Quite frankly, I'm kind of a hottie now. And quite frankly, I make a lot more money than you do, America. Things were really going great, lately.
But then those two words came along: "I'm in."
I know a lot of you think of Hillary Clinton as a frosty mom figure. Well she's MY frosty mom. You thought turning down nationalized health care was hard? Try telling her you're not going to law school!
As you well know, there's no arguing with Mom. So I'm trying to get used to the idea, and I figured I should get in touch with you, America. See how you were doing, because we might be stuck together again for a while.
And this time, I think I'm ready. Every time I eat a burger, I'm prepared for you to point out my "baby bump" the next day. If I have dinner with Andy Samberg, you'll say we're sleeping together (do you have his number, by the way?). If I wear a ring, you'll say I'm engaged. If I go on vacation with a guy, you'll say I'm engaged. And if I wear too many pantsuits, you'll say I'm engaged - to a woman.
I lived through it before, and I'll live through it again, America. Because there's only one thing better than having two Clinton Presidents of the United States:
Having three.
TTYL!!
Chelsea
Kill me now.
Please, no pictures.
Oh, Chelsea!!! Last time I really heard about you was when your mom said you were jogging around Ground Zero on 9/11!!!
She said she was SOOOO WORRIED!!!
I'm glad you're okay!!!
Best request of the day. No question.
This is how a stalker would think about their victim.
I'll bet she still looks like Web Hubbell....
I assume the author must have the hots for Chelsea?
I assume the author must have the hots for Chelsea?
October 2008
Headline - "Chelsea Clinton registers as a Republican."
Did she write a book?
But I repeat myself....
Eh. She's average-looking, no better, no worse. It's not her fault she had Hillary and Webb Hubbell--errrrrr, Bill Clinton--for parents.
Don't crack on her looks, y'all. It brings us down to the DUmmies' level.
}:-)4
Chelsea was handicapped by being forced to attend elite private schools as a child. It's difficult to feel the people's "pain" without that experience.
/sarc off
I assume the author must have the hots for Chelsea?
More likely that he's just gay.
THATS IT!!!
I am changing my screenname.
If the crew from "Queer Eye 4A Straight Guy" would tackle her, maybe...
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