Funniest One-Liners

Sky News (U.K.) ^ | 8/14/06 | Staff

[Millee]

Peter Kay's "Garlic bread, it's the future - I've tasted it" has been voted the best comedy one-liner ever.

The line featured in his one-man show and was later aired in his cult comedy Phoenix Nights.

It's funny, but is it really the funniest line ever? Is there a one-liner you can think of that has had you in stitches? Have you ever had your work colleagues cracking up with a one-line beauty?

[bobbyd]

I did not have sex with that woman.

HA!!!

[llevrok]

7 out of 5 people have problems with math (anon.)

[boughtwithaprice]

ok maybe it's not the funniest but it cracked me up, I heard this in an old comedy I was watching:

"Where's the back door?"

"In the back!"

[5Madman2]

The difference between a porcupine and a BMW is the number of pricks.
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I heard it as the BMW/Volvo/Mercedes etc. has the pricks on the inside.

[Dante3]

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." (Groucho Marx)

[bert]

I don't get it?

[Tiny]

"There are three kinds of people in the world, those that understand math and those that don't."

"Wherever you go, there you are."

"I'm so glad that my journey through life has at this moment led me to this spot...the detergent aisle at Wal-Mart."

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

Twain:

Wagner's music isn't as bad as it sounds.

The reports of my death have been greatly exagerated.

Dorthy Parker:

I had a bad seat; it faced the stage.

Her emotions ran the gamut from A to B.

Oscar Wilde:

She was a good cook as cooks go and as good cooks go, she went.

You would have to have a heart of stone not to laugh at the death of Little Nell.

[Mr. Blonde]

150 posts and no Mitch Hedberg yet? This must be rectified.

I was at the lake and I saw this seagull, so I walked up to it and said, "It's okay, I won't tell anybody."

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're f****** relentless.

I went to a pizzeria and I ordered a slice of pizza; they gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, they gave me the 'donate to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!

I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one...and every one on the bottom row!"

This guy asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said, "No ... but I would like a regular banana later, so ... yeah."
I think pickles Kinko's is my favorite copy place 'cause it's open 24 hours. Like, if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered. Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat: "Shit... oh yeah, Kinko's... alright, that will not remain singular."

cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil... and the devil was Dill.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn," and call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch," then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together."

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I want to be a race car passenger--just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I stick my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I did a radio interview. The DJ's first question was, "Who are you?" I had to think, "Is this guy really deep, or did I drive down to the wrong station?"

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry!"

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.