Posted on 05/26/2006 6:37:40 AM PDT by sully777
Memorial Day Weekend Silliness Thread
You scored as Antisocial Personality Disorder. Congratulations! You have ASPD! You know that blatantly disregarding social norms and the rights of others isn't just illegal; it's FUN. Jail time? Eh, look at Gary Gilmore... was he really that bad of a guy?
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Heinie #4
A Politically Corrected Fairy Story
Once upon a chronological displacement, there lived in a forest, three nonhuman animals of the ursus genus. There was a patriarchal ursus of substance, his significant other and their vertically inconvenienced and experientially challenged consequence of the social reproduction of the labour force.
One fine morning, they resolved to partake of a nourishing meal. Being differently advantaged, the acquaintance rape survivor undertook the unwaged labour of preparing a large saucepan of porridge, completely ignoring the fact that one of its major ingredients was a stolen bovine product. While she slaved in domestic incarceration, her acquaintance rapist sat and read the paper, re-enforcing the phallus centred value system imposed by patriarchy through his inability to assist in domestic matters by being motivationally deficient.
The domestic incarceration survivor placed the nourishing repast into bowls set around the table. Neither of her companions were able to partake of the refreshment, due to the thermal co-efficient of the porridge, leaving her with feelings of deficiency achievement. Her partner, seeing her disappointment and not being totally devoid of kindness, suggested a short but refreshing constitutional perambulation to enable the thermal co-efficient of the porridge to reduce to an acceptable level for consumption.
The three ursus were not the only individuals participating in perambulations in the woods that morning. A mutant melanin deficient genetic recessive prewoman member of the global minority chanced upon the home of the three ursus. Her name, Yellow-pigmented Follicles, was derived from her appearance and she was temporarily involuntarily undomiciled. Now the three ursus were knowledge based nonpossessors on the subject of individuals who were morally different and so they had omitted even to close their door. The smell of the mashed oats combined with the stolen bovine product was too much for Yellow-pigmented Follicles and she entered the home. It should be noted at this point that the girl came from an economically challenged background and was differently educated. She had also not participated in any solid refreshment of any sort for several days and so her initial actions may, to some extent, be at least understandable whilst remaining inexcusable. First she tried the porridge in the generously sized bowl, but the thermal co-efficient was too great. Then she tried the porridge in the average sized bowl but the thermal co-efficient had become unacceptably low. So she finally tried the porridge in the bowl that had under achieved in size and found that it was just right. Not considering the social and domestic implications, she made the least best decision and consumed the entire contents. Feeling full from her sustenance, she looked around and saw that the room contained three items of furniture suitable for reposing for a period of relaxation. First she tried the generously sized chair, but found that its discomfort factor was enhanced by the lack of suitable padding. Then she tried the average sized chair, but found that its comfort factor had been over provided. So lastly she tried the size challenged chair, and found that it was just right. Unfortunately, the construction manager had selected tree carcasses that were deficient for the magnitude of Yellow-pigmented Follicles and the chair re-established itself as a number of component parts. Still feeling somewhat devoid of animation and overcome by ennui, Yellow-pigmented Follicles decided to investigate the upper storey of the domicile. Further compounding the unwanted intrusion, she climbed the stairs and looked into the only chamber. It contained three differently sized pieces of furniture designed to enable a complete nocturnal period of temporary inertia. First she tried the generously sized berth, but again found that the discomfort factor had been enhanced by the underprovision of soft fillings. She went on to try the average sized bed, but found that the comfort factor had been over supplied. Lastly she tried the size impoverished couch and, finding that its specifications were an exact fit to her own requirements, she promptly achieved a state of temporary coma.
The three ursus completed their constitutional perambulation and returned to their domicile both refreshed and nourishment deficient. On espying their food, they immediately noticed that the porridge had been feloniously deprived.
"Someone has been consuming MY porridge" said the acquaintance rapist with a tonal quality commiserate with an abrupt and surly manner.
"And Someone has been consuming MY porridge" said his unpaid sex worker in a voice free of any characterisation.
"Someone has tried my porridge, and devoured every particle!" said the vertically challenged, experientially deficient offspring in a voice comprising almost exclusively of the higher frequencies. The three ursus then turned their attention to their comfort enhancing items of furniture.
"Someone has been reposing in MY chair," said the generously sized urus.
"And someone has been reposing in MY chair," countered his acquaintance rape survivor.
"Someone has been reposing in MY chair and has altered its functional state to out-of-order!" said her vertically constrained repercussion of uterus implantation. Resolving to further investigate the consequences of their invasion by a morally deficient sentient being, they climbed the stairs to the higher storey.
"Someone has been slumbering in MY bed," boomed the domestic incarcerator.
"And someone has been undertaking lassitude in MY bed," responded his significant other.
"Someone has been sleeping in MY bed and she is still here!" squeaked the experientially deficient ursus, making an appropriate gender assumption. At that point, Yellow-pigmented Follicles regained consciousness and, seeing before her an alternatively-pigmented hirsuted other species that appeared to be free-roaming, screamed. Incorrectly fearing that the three ursus would attempt to make her terminally incapacitated, Yellow-pigmented Follicles leapt up, ran down the stairs and, resolving to place the urus in a dimensionally deficient predicament, ran away.
You scored as Unipolar Depression. Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets.
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I'd love to, but...
Until they become teeners!
I fit a few of these, growing up in WEst Texas!
You might be a redneck if...
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You might be a redneck if...
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."
Sign on an asphalt truck: "Let us fill your crack!"
Office sign: "Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome."
Sign at a muffler shop: "No muff too tough for us!"
Sign on a government issue car: "Fulton county disaster coordinator."
Nuke is on the 4th Heineken and I'm my second high gravity 23 proof beer. Care to join the story telling. Topic: Teenage years. Let's try to keep it as clean as possible.
Heinie #5 and I'm beginning to feel it
Speaking of signs Nuke, if you live near Tulsa drive down Peoria from 41st Street to I-44. You'll see a tire dealership next to the Taco Bell on the righthand side.
Tire and rim BLOW OUT SALE.
True story. Only in Oklahoma!
I'll have to look for that. We always go through Tulsa when going back to Texas for a visit.
Had chili cheese dogs tonight using Wolf Brand hot chili.
So I'll probably be sleeping with the dogs anyway when it kicks in!!
You'll have to take the I-44 exit going east (Joplin), take the Peoria exit. Turn left at the light and go down the street about 1/2 a mile. You'll see the Taco Bell on your left side. The tire store is the store next to TB.
My second high alc beer so I can't remember the name of the store.
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