Posted on 04/02/2006 4:57:53 PM PDT by oxcart
You and all who have replied to this thread have know idea of the power you have sent. God bless you ALL!
They are in our prayers and thoughts.
Thank you. Yes, Our Lord did know.
Your friends will surely appreciate your support, but there is little you can do to make them feel better just now. A card, a hug, an offer to talk if they need, or a quiet dinner at home might be very welcome.
Sometimes well-meaning people said things to us that were hurtful or irritating. They felt the need to say something, and stupid things came out of their mouths. It is better to be silent, offer a hug or a card if you don't know what to say. We heard things like: "It was God's will", "You can have another", "It's for the best", "I know just how you feel", etc. These kinds of remarks aren't comforting to someone who has just lost a child and all the hopes and dreams that were carried by that little being.
Ultimately, the greatest gift that my unborn babies gave me was a deeper appreciation of the gift of life and of my future children. I think I'm a better mother for having lost my precious babies, and I'm certainly more protective of innocent life in all its forms. Our children help us to honor the memory of their lost siblings every year at Christmas when we place special ornaments on the Christmas tree. It's our sons' job to hang those ornaments now. It's a special ritual which helped us in our grief and now enriches our family life. I hope your friends will find some peace ultimately, as we did.
Agree with the others that the best bet is to tell them you're sorry and let them know you're there to listen if they need it.
Something that can help the dad, especially, is to be willing to *not* talk if he doesn't want to. Take him to the lumber store or computer shop or out to coffee, talk about whatever he wants. The mom generally gets 99% of the help and sympathy, dads are left out. Also, dads don't always feel the loss as much or as deelply as the mom does, at least at first. I'm basing that on how my husband felt when we lost our babies, how my dad felt when their last one was stillborn, how my father-in-law felt when his only (biological) child was lost to miscarriage and that was the only chance they had.
My husband felt bad, but mainly felt bad for me. The loss of the babies didn't quite feel as real until long afterwards. The female relatives were all concerned about me (well, for the first 2 miscarriages) and the male relatives weren't sure what to say so they didn't say much of anything. He had no support other than what I gave him.. that wasn't as much as I wish it had been because I was more needy than giving at that point.
Don't push about the subject - they may or may not want to talk now, in a month, in 6 months - or ever. Follow their lead and you will be a very good friend. You must be a good friend anyway, just by asking for advice you are showing you care.
Sympathy to your friends and it will get better in time, I just won't presume to tell them how much time it will take to heal emotionally. It's different for each family, each loss.
mom to 7 living children and 7 angels
I have experienced three miscarriages. It's so important to grieve. It's human nature to want to make things better. Sometimes the things we say aren't helpful because you can't rush the grieving process. My mother would say things like, "At least you have a child." Which was true. I experienced my miscarriages after the birth of my first child. This didn't help though because my pain was real and I needed to work through it. So often people say things to try and make it seem not as bad. Don't. It is bad. When a woman is surrounded by people trying to make it seem "not so bad", she keeps it to herself. Because she's mourning in secret, it takes far longer and often results in depression. Allow her to cry, and listen to what she, and her husband need to say. You don't have to say anything back,just be a friend. I know as I've been there.
I want to add this. Men and women deal with miscarriage differently. Initially it hurts both of them. For men though, it's something terrible that happens, and then it's over. The grieving process isn't as long. For a women, it takes awhile. She has to wait before trying again, and every month that she's trying and isn't pregnant is almost like experiencing a miscarriage again. This is especially so if she hasn't been able to deal with her feelings. Please pass this on to her husband. It may seem to him that she is obsessing, especially if it takes awhile to get pregnant again. The truth is though it takes awhile.
Sadly what you posted is all too true. I was too depressed at the time to realize what my husband was going thru. I didnt think he was going thru anything because he was just himself and taking care of me. Only later have I realized what you posted was true. Thanks for a good post.
Just be there for them.
"Your friends will surely appreciate your support, but there is little you can do to make them feel better just now."
"Sometimes well-meaning people said things to us that were hurtful or irritating."
Ditto, ditto Think free or die.
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Prayer for your friends oxcart is the best thing you can do.
You're welcome oxcart.
I knew you would understand.
Thank you for caring enough
to explore the issue.
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