Posted on 03/29/2006 4:48:11 AM PST by gobucks
"I just want to be a wife and a mother". That is what she said about 10 years ago when we married. But she also wanted to work. One thing led to another, then to an MBA, and now she has a great job with high pay. And she is pregnant again, which of course we're thrilled about. Little Gb was born last summer, and this is welcome news, given how many years it took to bring this about.
But lately, she has made it plain: she wants to become a full time stay at home wife and mother. Her career now has zero allure. And so, upon my shoulders it is looking like the full weight of supporting the family will rest. This is a road that is quite alien for me I have to report. I was born in 1963, and the norm was watching the women of a household do housework, and work outside the home.
I have decided I want this too, though the transition doesn't appear to be one that will be painless. For example, we really like the house our two incomes pay for. But, nonetheless, given the "Back to Puritanism" road we took a few years ago (which we know directly led to solving the infertility question), this step is inevitable for us.
So, now, I'm looking for Freeper Advice, from wives and/or Husbands. What happened when she stopped working and stayed at home? How did that make things better or worse? How would have you changed the process to make it more smooth? And if you had to do it over, would she still quit her job, and stay at home?
:)
I think the amount of wasted time is dependent upon how many people agree with what you say...
I was born before WW II, but worked, then had children, husband was a low paid teacher.
Ways to save. 1) Trade in expensive car for cheaper used one that gets good milage. 2) Find some good trift shops to buy children and adult clothes, toys, books. 3) Change all light bulbs to compact florescent, Home Depot has some at really good prices. 4) In cold and hot weather close doors and keep one room/area heated or cooled comfortably. 5) Babysit other peopl's children. 6) Sell goods and services on EBay. 7) Move to a larger house that costs the same, but needs some fixing up. Rent out several rooms or a renovated basement/attic.
At various times I have done all the above, and still do to live on SS and a teacher's pension.
It hasn't always been financially easy or emotionally easy (it hasn't been a choice due to moves and job losses) but we've made the best of it by focusing on how good it has been for our kids. We did have both kids in daycare when they were toddlers, and in after-school care for a few years before our recent move. They are none the worse for it.
Staying at home for the first year or two is the most important. I stayed home for the first year with both kids and am glad I did, even though we went into some debt to do it. Most people start kids in preschool by age 3 anyway, and it isn't much different to have a child in full-day or half-day preschool at that age if it is a good preschool. Once they are in elementary school, you are talking about daycare only for a couple of hours a day. I have never thought that was going to somehow warp my kids' souls or damage my relationship with them. In those afternoon hours most kids are out playing with their friends anyway, not home bonding with mommy.
So I would advise that you and your wife look at it as a short term hiatus for her and see where you are after the first year. If you are all happy and can afford for her to continue at home, do it. If it isn't working and you both are unhappy, you are doing your kids no favors by her staying home and being miserable. I firmly believe some women are better wives and mothers when they work outside the home, and some aren't. Raising kids is hard work, and there is no shame in saying you need help with it. I know many great moms who work, and some lousy moms who don't. Only you and your wife can figure out which kind she is.
IMHO, you as man of the house should be controlling the money (somebody has to otherwise spending goes out of control), and if your wife needs pocket money for minor spending, you should divert part of your paycheck directly to an account in her name. As to asking permission, that should go without question for any purchase of significance - part of being a couple is making decisions together, not just letting your wife go off and spend her paycheck as she pleases as if your family has no financial needs requirign a budget. If you are married, all income from both persons belongs collectively to the family.
1) Save her income starting now. You'll be happy you have it later.
2) Move to a house you can comfortably carry on your income, with money left over, if you cannot do this now. I reccomend a price range up to twice your income for the mortgage. Aim for a total mortgage+insurance+taxes payment of less than 60% of one bi-weekly paycheck after withholding taxes and 401K and health insurance deducts. I.e., if you get to put $2000 in the bank, consider up to $1200 for a house payment, leaving you $2800 for utilities, and spending money, plus those two extra checks per year you get on a bi-weekly system.
3) Find a family friendly neighborhood with stay-at-home moms and other people of like mind if you aren't in one now. Your wife will appreciate not being the only person in the neighborhood during the middle of the day.
4) Start saving money for your next car now. You'll be glad you aren't paying for it out of your income later on.
5) Cut-back on superfluities like eating out, indulgence shopping, and excessive electronic gadgets, especially those that come with unending monthly payments like excessive cell-phone plans.
6) Strongly consider taking a job in a location you can ride a commuter train or similar to work, or where you can walk to work, so that you only need one car. Each car you "need" is $500+ per month if bought new. Try not to "need" too many of them.
7) Sort out your retirement and health insurance issues.
The actual financial sacrifice isn't as big as you think, because you will no longer pay 40%+ in taxes on her income, nor will you be paying commuting costs, lunch at work, new dress clothes for work, child-care costs, etc. These really add up quickly (especially for women, who seem to have an aversion to bringing their lunch and a desire for many more clothes than are really needed), but most people never think about them.
The time with your children is incredibly rewarding, and you should find both of you have more time for them, since when you come home in the evening, your wife should have been able to take care of somethings you may have formerly had to do while you were both working (per haps she will now do one or more of shopping, cleaning, dishes, bills, etc. that you may have had to do in the evening or on weekends - figure it out to suit yourself), leaving you some time to be with the kids, and her some time to do a few things on her own.
Thank you for such a detailed reply - sounds like you give this kind of advice for a living!
Since she didn't divorce him for his infamous baby advice thread before GB Jr. was born, I think he's safe. :)
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