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I hate Valentines Day

Posted on 02/15/2006 9:45:01 AM PST by Pukin Dog

Yesterday, I did one of the dumbest things I will ever do in my long (but still pretty) life.

I volunteered to assist a friend of mine who owns a flower shop with his deliveries.

NEVER DO THIS.

Yesterday, I delivered flowers and other associated items to 55 separate addresses throughout San Diego County, mostly between La Jolla, Del Mar and Carlsbad. Some deliveries were to offices, but most to homes where I fought dogs, fences, gates and young children in various stages of curiosity and disgust about what I was bringing ‘mommy’ instead of to them.

I had strategically planned the day to insure that I would not be around any women who knew me, and what a perfect excuse than to be out delivering roses, candy, balloons (more about those later) and stuffed animals to other women, rather than try to live up to the expectations of a few who only love me for my credit score.

Assuming that I had been asked by my buddy to help him because he knew me to be studious and dependable would be wrong. I was chosen because I owned the biggest trucks, had the most available time, and had not already had the good sense to say NO!

The early deliveries were to gals in the office. I found out that there is a ritual to this, where the same thing happened each time I showed up with the goods. First, the loud announcement to the whole office that “the flower guy” is here, followed by a mass migration towards me by anyone in a skirt. “Oooh, who are they for?” I would give a name, and the sea of estrogen would part, to reveal the blushing recipient, while all the rest nodded at each other a kind of secret understanding that some man had just guaranteed her loyalty for another week at least, or at best until the next manufactured holiday.

At one office, I delivered three sets of roses to an office (real estate) where there were FOUR women, one was to be denied. It turned out that the three brokers all got roses from the owner of the business, but he forgot the receptionist who happened to be much cuter than the three ladies in their severe business attire. I felt bad as I walked back to my truck. I had a set of orchids from an office that were to be returned because the recipient was at home ill, so I called my buddy who allowed me to give the orchids to the receptionist. My reward was a wonderful smile.

Enough of that, because delivering flowers is very hard work. You have to drive with the knowledge that one speed bump can screw up your whole day. More than once, I heard the sickening sound of water running from a vase onto my pukin upholstery or carpeting after hitting a pot hole. I used up my supply of bottled water refilling vases that had tipped over. Today, the inside my Hummer smells like a combination of jasmine and mildew. I logged over 100 miles of surface street driving, catching Rush and Hannity in between stops. More than once, a recipient let me know that flowers alone were not going to be good enough to “pay for what he did” This was usually the case when the sir-name of the sender and receiver were the same. I wonder why that is? And then, there is the matter of those dammed balloons. Do you know what it is like to pull up to a stop light next to a pretty lady in a convertible and you want to look cool, with a dozen of those metallic balloons floating behind your head?

Then there is the matter of all these women looking down on me, because I apparently lacked the education that would have allowed me to get a better job than that of a middle-aged delivery boy. This was mostly the case when I would open the door to some very pretty woman, who’s boyfriend was clearly trying to “fix things” (you can tell by the smile/scowl as the woman signs the receipt) where had I been in my magic flight suit I might have made a move, but nobody loves the delivery boy.

I did snag a few tips, 5 dollars from a nice Nigerian lady who got a dozen yellow from her son, 3 bucks from a Hispanic woman in a retirement home, and various single bills from women apparently too overjoyed by my presence to not notice that I was not carrying a pizza. I appreciated the tips, but would have settled for directions to the cheapest gas station, since Hummers don’t do well in stop and go traffic. I swear I could see the gauge move every time I slowed down to handle a damned speed bump.

Starting at 10am with a couple of breaks, I didn’t finish until a bit after 6pm. Only the Savage Nation kept me from leaving the last of my packages by the side of the road and going home to a warm and waiting beer.

A few observations for guys:

Women don’t seem to care how elaborate the arrangement you buy her, if you just get something she likes. Color is important, and it seems that standard red roses are becoming boring and a sign that you don’t really care. Get yellow. Chicks dig the yellow roses. If your goal is sex, make sure you toss in the little stuffed animal. Chicks don’t seem to care if it is delivered soaking wet, they love them. Pretend you care, and get one next year. If she is over 16, DO NOT GET A BALLOON, unless it is a gag gift. Two women both appeared angry that their Valentines Day give did not convey the seriousness expected from someone who gets their underwear laundered for free.

Candy = Begging. Be a man and get the teddy bear instead. If you want candy, buy your own and hide it in your truck like I do.

Having served in the enabler role for men roped into participating in this holiday, I am more determined to avoid it in the future. The tips were cool, the reaction from children funny, (daddy didn’t buy me anything?) and a few women had their days (and I suspect nights) made better for it. I looked at some of the prices for this stuff and almost gagged, and wondered what self-respecting man spends the equivalent of two GOOD bottles of scotch on something that is going to be tossed out next week?

I will never deliver another flower, balloon, stuffed animal, balloon, plant, balloon in my life.

But, I will accept them, of course. (not the balloon)


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KEYWORDS: valentinesday
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To: Pukin Dog

Good story, thanks.


61 posted on 02/15/2006 12:09:30 PM PST by Argh
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To: Pukin Dog

This vanity sure beats the hell out of the "my fingers smell" thread a couple days ago!


62 posted on 02/15/2006 12:09:33 PM PST by Toby06 (Hindsight alone is not wisdom, and second-guessing is not a strategy)
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To: EX52D

TWO BUNDLES?!!!!!



that hurts.


63 posted on 02/15/2006 12:09:34 PM PST by peacebaby (I think your tractor's sexy.)
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To: peacebaby; Pukin Dog; PaulaB

Great story, and PD is a sweetheart. But don't you think we could find him a nice, conservative girl with whom to play X-Box 360?


64 posted on 02/15/2006 12:11:07 PM PST by Chanticleer (May you be gruntled and combobulated in 2006.)
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To: Chanticleer; PaulaB; Pukin Dog

Either than or he can ask her to watch "Predator" with him... .


65 posted on 02/15/2006 12:13:44 PM PST by peacebaby (I think your tractor's sexy.)
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To: Chanticleer; Pukin Dog; PaulaB; peacebaby
Puke is only interested in serial monogamy.

Right, Puke?

66 posted on 02/15/2006 12:14:35 PM PST by Dashing Dasher (Happy Wednesday...)
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To: Pukin Dog
Driving around up and down the San Diego coastline sure sounds like hell to me. How did ever survive?

;)

67 posted on 02/15/2006 12:16:18 PM PST by GSWarrior
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To: Toby06

That thread was just wrong.


68 posted on 02/15/2006 12:16:24 PM PST by Auntbee (I have become comfortably numb.)
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To: Auntbee

Great, wasn't it! LOL!


69 posted on 02/15/2006 12:17:49 PM PST by Toby06 (Hindsight alone is not wisdom, and second-guessing is not a strategy)
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To: peacebaby

LOL...he liked two, and couldn't decide on one, so he bought both...I think I'll keep him around for awhile. :)


70 posted on 02/15/2006 12:18:53 PM PST by EX52D (They say that anger is just love disappointed...)
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To: Toby06

I rarely laugh at loud at work but I couldn't help myself on that one.


71 posted on 02/15/2006 12:19:35 PM PST by Auntbee (I have become comfortably numb.)
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To: Pukin Dog

Talk about a bad day. However, there are times when I wouldn't mind being a pizza delivery boy...

Of course, I won' be posting the link here...

72 posted on 02/15/2006 12:19:53 PM PST by Fintan (Shut up. You're rude and silly. And ugly.)
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To: Fintan
Don't you know -- we're boycotting pizza?

Ever considered a career in pool maintenance?

73 posted on 02/15/2006 12:24:14 PM PST by Chanticleer (May you be gruntled and combobulated in 2006.)
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To: EX52D

yes, my dear, you are very lucky... .


74 posted on 02/15/2006 12:26:16 PM PST by peacebaby (I think your tractor's sexy.)
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To: Pukin Dog

Dear Pukin, you might have had a miserable, gas guzzling day but you did a really nice thing for that woman when you gave her the orchids.

Hopefully you had a wonderful evening, doing whatever it is that floats your boat.


75 posted on 02/15/2006 12:30:06 PM PST by cjshapi
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To: Chanticleer
Don't you know -- we're boycotting pizza?

 

Please, oh please, don't tell me we're boycotting tacos too...

.

76 posted on 02/15/2006 12:40:15 PM PST by Fintan (Shut up. You're rude and silly. And ugly.)
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To: Pukin Dog
[ Assuming that I had been asked by my buddy to help him because he knew me to be studious and dependable would be wrong. I was chosen because I owned the biggest trucks, had the most available time, and had not already had the good sense to say NO! ]

LoL......

77 posted on 02/15/2006 12:51:54 PM PST by hosepipe (CAUTION: This propaganda is laced with hyperbole..)
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To: Fintan
Hmmm.... Why do I get the feeling that any thing I say in response will be just wrong?

Giraffe

78 posted on 02/15/2006 1:05:27 PM PST by Chanticleer (May you be gruntled and combobulated in 2006.)
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To: pollyannaish

"...I would like to apologize for the petty, narcissistic, its-all-about-me, attention whores we have become."

So, where did you meet my ex-girlfriend?


79 posted on 02/15/2006 1:05:54 PM PST by Army Air Corps (Four fried chickens and a coke)
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To: Chanticleer

I've been here since 1998...If there's one thing I've learned the hard way, it's how not to get sent to detention for three days.

.

80 posted on 02/15/2006 1:23:24 PM PST by Fintan (Shut up. You're rude and silly. And ugly.)
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