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I hate Valentines Day

Posted on 02/15/2006 9:45:01 AM PST by Pukin Dog

Yesterday, I did one of the dumbest things I will ever do in my long (but still pretty) life.

I volunteered to assist a friend of mine who owns a flower shop with his deliveries.

NEVER DO THIS.

Yesterday, I delivered flowers and other associated items to 55 separate addresses throughout San Diego County, mostly between La Jolla, Del Mar and Carlsbad. Some deliveries were to offices, but most to homes where I fought dogs, fences, gates and young children in various stages of curiosity and disgust about what I was bringing ‘mommy’ instead of to them.

I had strategically planned the day to insure that I would not be around any women who knew me, and what a perfect excuse than to be out delivering roses, candy, balloons (more about those later) and stuffed animals to other women, rather than try to live up to the expectations of a few who only love me for my credit score.

Assuming that I had been asked by my buddy to help him because he knew me to be studious and dependable would be wrong. I was chosen because I owned the biggest trucks, had the most available time, and had not already had the good sense to say NO!

The early deliveries were to gals in the office. I found out that there is a ritual to this, where the same thing happened each time I showed up with the goods. First, the loud announcement to the whole office that “the flower guy” is here, followed by a mass migration towards me by anyone in a skirt. “Oooh, who are they for?” I would give a name, and the sea of estrogen would part, to reveal the blushing recipient, while all the rest nodded at each other a kind of secret understanding that some man had just guaranteed her loyalty for another week at least, or at best until the next manufactured holiday.

At one office, I delivered three sets of roses to an office (real estate) where there were FOUR women, one was to be denied. It turned out that the three brokers all got roses from the owner of the business, but he forgot the receptionist who happened to be much cuter than the three ladies in their severe business attire. I felt bad as I walked back to my truck. I had a set of orchids from an office that were to be returned because the recipient was at home ill, so I called my buddy who allowed me to give the orchids to the receptionist. My reward was a wonderful smile.

Enough of that, because delivering flowers is very hard work. You have to drive with the knowledge that one speed bump can screw up your whole day. More than once, I heard the sickening sound of water running from a vase onto my pukin upholstery or carpeting after hitting a pot hole. I used up my supply of bottled water refilling vases that had tipped over. Today, the inside my Hummer smells like a combination of jasmine and mildew. I logged over 100 miles of surface street driving, catching Rush and Hannity in between stops. More than once, a recipient let me know that flowers alone were not going to be good enough to “pay for what he did” This was usually the case when the sir-name of the sender and receiver were the same. I wonder why that is? And then, there is the matter of those dammed balloons. Do you know what it is like to pull up to a stop light next to a pretty lady in a convertible and you want to look cool, with a dozen of those metallic balloons floating behind your head?

Then there is the matter of all these women looking down on me, because I apparently lacked the education that would have allowed me to get a better job than that of a middle-aged delivery boy. This was mostly the case when I would open the door to some very pretty woman, who’s boyfriend was clearly trying to “fix things” (you can tell by the smile/scowl as the woman signs the receipt) where had I been in my magic flight suit I might have made a move, but nobody loves the delivery boy.

I did snag a few tips, 5 dollars from a nice Nigerian lady who got a dozen yellow from her son, 3 bucks from a Hispanic woman in a retirement home, and various single bills from women apparently too overjoyed by my presence to not notice that I was not carrying a pizza. I appreciated the tips, but would have settled for directions to the cheapest gas station, since Hummers don’t do well in stop and go traffic. I swear I could see the gauge move every time I slowed down to handle a damned speed bump.

Starting at 10am with a couple of breaks, I didn’t finish until a bit after 6pm. Only the Savage Nation kept me from leaving the last of my packages by the side of the road and going home to a warm and waiting beer.

A few observations for guys:

Women don’t seem to care how elaborate the arrangement you buy her, if you just get something she likes. Color is important, and it seems that standard red roses are becoming boring and a sign that you don’t really care. Get yellow. Chicks dig the yellow roses. If your goal is sex, make sure you toss in the little stuffed animal. Chicks don’t seem to care if it is delivered soaking wet, they love them. Pretend you care, and get one next year. If she is over 16, DO NOT GET A BALLOON, unless it is a gag gift. Two women both appeared angry that their Valentines Day give did not convey the seriousness expected from someone who gets their underwear laundered for free.

Candy = Begging. Be a man and get the teddy bear instead. If you want candy, buy your own and hide it in your truck like I do.

Having served in the enabler role for men roped into participating in this holiday, I am more determined to avoid it in the future. The tips were cool, the reaction from children funny, (daddy didn’t buy me anything?) and a few women had their days (and I suspect nights) made better for it. I looked at some of the prices for this stuff and almost gagged, and wondered what self-respecting man spends the equivalent of two GOOD bottles of scotch on something that is going to be tossed out next week?

I will never deliver another flower, balloon, stuffed animal, balloon, plant, balloon in my life.

But, I will accept them, of course. (not the balloon)


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KEYWORDS: valentinesday
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To: Grandma Pam
LOL. This is Southern California. My postman drives a Hummer just like mine, only Black.
101 posted on 02/15/2006 7:05:18 PM PST by Pukin Dog (Sans Reproache)
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To: Pukin Dog
Yep, not a single delivery was to a man. Like we aint got feelings?

A few years ago I had a gift delivered to my husband, at his office, on Valentines Day. It was a basket with chocolates, massage oil and chocolate body paint.

When he got home, with said gift in tow, he said thanks, that was very thoughtful, etc., but don't EVER do that again!

102 posted on 02/15/2006 7:24:05 PM PST by Oorang (And what are we becoming? The civilization of melted butter? Italy's Reform Minister R. Calderoli)
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To: Pukin Dog

Polish it up and you've got yourself a fee-earning magazine article.


103 posted on 02/15/2006 7:25:15 PM PST by Hebrews 11:6 (Do you REALLY believe that (1) God is, and (2) God is good?)
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To: Hebrews 11:6
Really? Thanks.

How would I go about that?
104 posted on 02/15/2006 7:44:04 PM PST by Pukin Dog (Sans Reproache)
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Hi Lady Victorious!

And belated happy Valentine's Day to you also!


Sir Blur.


105 posted on 02/15/2006 8:46:17 PM PST by The Spirit Of Allegiance (SAVE THE BRAINFOREST! Boycott the RED Dead Tree Media & NUKE the DNC Class Action Temper Tantrum!)
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To: apackof2

Pack,

I don't like your math.

10 x 10 = 100!

One Hundred Percent Real.

But I like your attitude. ;^)


106 posted on 02/15/2006 8:48:37 PM PST by The Spirit Of Allegiance (SAVE THE BRAINFOREST! Boycott the RED Dead Tree Media & NUKE the DNC Class Action Temper Tantrum!)
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To: Pukin Dog
So, you wouldn't be available in October for Sweetest Day? Nah, didn't think so....

Well anyway, you done good, so here's a beer!

107 posted on 02/16/2006 1:03:22 AM PST by Watery Tart (All we are saying is "Give Pizza Chants." -- dfwgator ) ( I'd like a large, with whirled peas....)
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To: Hebrews 11:6; Pukin Dog
Polish it up and you've got yourself a fee-earning magazine article.

I agree. This is a well-written and entertaining piece, PD.

As for manufactured holidays, I personally can't stand them, but acknowledge that they do help to keep people buying goods and services and thus give the economy an occasional little boost. (But Teddy Bears are for toddlers.)

108 posted on 02/16/2006 4:48:13 AM PST by arasina (So there.)
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To: F16Fighter
Has the stuffed animal bit ever worked for you before?

Don't get any ideas, QTF16. ;^P

109 posted on 02/16/2006 4:50:50 AM PST by arasina (So there.)
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To: Pukin Dog

I disagree about the candy. I got my lady a combination of red roses (standard) - and some handmade chocolates from where I live in West Sussex. Worked like a charm.

Also setting is important - if the lady in question works in a rather tedious or sterile environment, red roses work even better.

Regards, Ivan


110 posted on 02/16/2006 4:56:25 AM PST by MadIvan (You underestimate the power of the Dark Side - http://www.sithorder.com/)
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To: arasina
Thank you.

If you had seen what those Vermont Teddy Bears did to a few of these women, you would buy stock in that company. But, even I know that the only sure-fire way to get a woman in that right kind of mood is through the thoughtful use of alcohol and alcohol related products.
111 posted on 02/16/2006 5:52:52 AM PST by Pukin Dog (Sans Reproache)
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To: MadIvan
The reactions I witnessed from candy ranged from: "Oh girl, he really wants some" by co-workers, to "Well, I guess I'm going to have to give it up". I am not kidding. These were upper-middle class working girls for the most part, and it seemed that they looked down on the candy, but got all weepy and breathless from the Teddy Bears.
112 posted on 02/16/2006 5:56:04 AM PST by Pukin Dog (Sans Reproache)
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To: arasina; Dashing Dasher; onyx
"Has the stuffed animal bit ever worked for you before?"

Not my style, but has this "technique" ever worked for any of YOU gals? (first date an exception)

113 posted on 02/16/2006 5:56:30 AM PST by F16Fighter
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To: F16Fighter; arasina; Dashing Dasher; onyx

F16, this is AMERICA!

Don't forget, they have the FIFTH AMENDMENT!



114 posted on 02/16/2006 8:16:03 AM PST by The Spirit Of Allegiance (SAVE THE BRAINFOREST! Boycott the RED Dead Tree Media & NUKE the DNC Class Action Temper Tantrum!)
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To: F16Fighter; arasina; Dashing Dasher; onyx
;^)
115 posted on 02/16/2006 8:16:32 AM PST by The Spirit Of Allegiance (SAVE THE BRAINFOREST! Boycott the RED Dead Tree Media & NUKE the DNC Class Action Temper Tantrum!)
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To: F16Fighter; arasina; onyx
"Has the stuffed animal bit ever worked for you before?" Not my style, but has this "technique" ever worked for any of YOU gals? (first date an exception)

Nothing like that works for me.

Show up on time, look like you put some effort into your appearance, don't do anything disgusting, appear interested in the conversation and make me laugh.

That's all I ask.

I especially like a guy to pay attention and have a plan. Put some thought into the relationship - remember my name, phone number, how I take my coffee, favorite types of food, movies, types of music, etc.

If a guy wants a woman to make him feel special - he has to make her feel special also. AND ... vice-a-versa.

116 posted on 02/16/2006 8:41:16 AM PST by Dashing Dasher (Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening. -- Tober)
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To: Pukin Dog
How would I go about that?

First, survey magazines to determine those which would be likely to want such an article. Look for their rules regarding submissions. Tailor your article accordingly.

Second, try a Google search on getting printed/approaching magazines. Try your local bookstore--there are volumes on how to get happily published.

Third, ask any writers or editors you may know.

117 posted on 02/16/2006 9:24:50 AM PST by Hebrews 11:6 (Do you REALLY believe that (1) God is, and (2) God is good?)
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To: Pukin Dog

If it were easy, everyone would be doing it.


118 posted on 02/16/2006 9:33:08 AM PST by Hebrews 11:6 (Do you REALLY believe that (1) God is, and (2) God is good?)
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To: Dashing Dasher; F16Fighter
I just received this in an email and it seems to be appropriate to your reply, DD. :o)
POEM FOR A LADY

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.

POEM FOR A MAN

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a darn.


119 posted on 02/16/2006 11:01:33 AM PST by arasina (So there.)
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To: F16Fighter; Dashing Dasher; arasina
Stuffed animal? NO!

This "worked" on me. GREEN is my favorite Valentine color.


120 posted on 02/16/2006 1:52:24 PM PST by onyx (IF ONLY 10% of Muslims are radical, that's still 120 MILLION who want to kill us.)
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