Looking up old flame? Think twice

San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 1/10/6 | C.W. Nevius

[SmithL]

It sounds innocent. You get to wondering whatever happened to that special someone you dated in high school or college, so you track her, or him, down online and send an e-mail.

Your old flame is thrilled to hear from you. You chat online, talk on the phone, meet for coffee. And faster than you ever imagined, everything gets out of hand and someone's marriage is ruined.

It happens a lot more often than you'd think.

"It starts with e-mails,'' says Nancy Kalish, a psychology professor at Cal State Sacramento who has studied the phenomenon. "It goes to IMs (instant messages), and the hotel room follows pretty soon afterward.''

C'mon, we're not talking about people looking for an affair, just a cup of coffee with an old friend.

That may be the plan, but Kalish says that's not how it often works out. She's been charting hookups between lost loves since 1993, and says the Internet has changed how such stories unfold.

Back in the 1990s, it was rare for a married person to reach out to a first love. Nowadays, about 8 in 10 people who contact a former lover are married, Kalish says, based upon the findings of her own Web site, Lostlovers.com.

Of course, most of them don't intend to get into trouble when they log on, and not all of them do.

"People are just surfing the Internet on a whim,'' Kalish says. "They may see some lost love and they say, 'What the heck' and send an e-mail.''

[ToddBush]

Well, this one IS a momma now. Two kids already. Besides, The Girlfriend is just fine in that regard.

[MortMan]

As close as I ever came to this scenario was when my brother's ex-wife called me before I was deployed to Germany (she was German and divorced him when he came back stateside to get a place ready for them and their son). She kind of sputtered and stopped talking when I told her my then-fiancee and I would be happy to stop by and see my nephew.

No calls since then!

[rahbert]

recon by pepper spray?? owwwww....

[buck61]

That is good.

[LouAvul]

Men's Health magazine says that the average cost of a four-month affair is $25,664. "Before you take a long lunch with Sarah in sales, you might want to check with your accountant," the magazine said.

The magazine's list of expenses includes motel and hotel rooms, bar tabs and meals, roses, and gifts for a mistress. But it also includes diamond earrings to keep a wife happy, money lost at work by not being focused and missing out on a promotion, and $5,000 in legal fees for a divorce, as well as money for a deposit on a new apartment.

[LongElegantLegs]

Most of my former girlfriends would love to see me again... With a pickaxe sticking out of my forehead.

Have we dated?

[theFIRMbss]

>Most of my former girlfriends would love to see me again... With a pickaxe sticking out of my forehead

Woman: Well Jake. You like just fine down there, slithering in the mud like vermin.

Jake:[To Elwood] No problem.

Woman: You're not gonna get away from me this time.

[she fires again... still missing them]

Jake:[To Woman] It's good to see you sweetheart.

Woman: You contemptible pig. I remained celebate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting in celibacy for you, with 300 friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterer in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party my father used up his last favours with Mad Pete Trollo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle and for the common good, I must now kill you and your brother.

Jake:[Falling to his knees before her] Oh please don't kill us. Please, please don't kill us. You know I love ya baby, I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault.

Women: You miserable slug. You think you can talk you're way out of this? You betrayed me.

Jake: No, I didn't. Honest. I ran outta gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from outta town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake, a terrible flood, locust's. It wasn't my fault!! I swear to God!!

Woman: Oh Jake, Jake, honey.

[Jake embraces her in a passionate kiss, then drops her in the mud.]

Jake:[To Elwood] Let's go.

Elwood:[To the Woman] Take it easy.

Elwood: It's a 106 miles to Chicago. We got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.

Jake: Hit it!

[Tijeras_Slim]

Have we dated?

You'd remember.

[R. Scott]

I’ve often thought of looking up old girl friends – but most women have the habit of changing their last name when they get married.

[R. Scott]

Argh! My ex must still be as old as me.

That thought hit me when I was day dreaming about finding a couple women I dated way back when. They’d be in their 50s now – not at all like the pictures I have.

[backhoe]

This is another of those "well, Duh!" articles, isn't it?

Old flames aren't always bad if there's no existing marriage to consider-- my brother-in-law had no time or interest for dating after his wife died; he just threw himself into raising his girls and keeping his business running.

Quite out of the blue, he ran across an old flame from high school days at a school function, they hit it off again, married, and seem to be quite well suited to each other.

I, on the other hand, ran across an old flame at my Mom's funeral-- a group of what I took to be her eighty-ish cronies and neighbors approached me, and much to my horror, one the aged harridans was an old lover of mine, from long, long ago. ( Not that I have aged any better, mind you. )

And naturally, her first reply to my wife was, "Aren't you ever going to show your age?"

Meow!

[ccwoman]

I looked up one of my old flame with a beautiful daydream in mind. I hadnt seen him in 20 years but I thought he would still look like Donny Osmond. He answered the door looking like Grizzly Adams after a drunken bar fight. I turned tail pretty quick and havent bothered looking anyone else up!!!

[Jeff Chandler]

Regardless, things are NEVER as good as you remember them to be.

But are they as BAD as you remember them? I never did get the hang of those things until I got together with Mrs.Chandler. We seem to be meant for each other.

I went to my 30th high school reunion a couple years ago. Ran across some old crushes (I had a new crush every week when I was young). Most of them were old and burned out. I really dodged some bullets. I did run across my 8th grade crush, who was very nice and is happily married herself. It was great to see her as happy as I am.

[RabidBartender]

Heh - thanks a lot, pal, for reminding me of the ones that I DON'T have fond memories of. LOL!

While I do hope they have happy and successful lives, I don't wish to risk contacting them and then having to extricate myself from them.

And now I am dreading my reunion - ha!