Please.
Don't get Chas and Mike started.
Groan!
Hysterical! Thanks!
Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
The New Orleans Police Chief came running up to the Mayor. He breathlessly told Nagin, that the looters had stolen all of the bathroom fixtures in the courthouse!
Nagin was outraged. "Who could have done this??"
The police chief said sadly, "sorry, sir, but we have nothing to go on".
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Actually, I liked 'em.
Even laughed at a couple.
You know, the drink "Gatoraid" was developed by the University of Florida, who's mascot is a "Gator."
Lots of people know this.
What many people don't know is that the project was originally slated for Florida State, but they changed it at the last minute.
Why?
They decided that a product named "Gatoraid" would be more marketable than "Seminole Fluid."
You have been covered with an anti-zot shield :)
This is a long one I heard many years ago:
A man was looking for a job, and had just about given up hope of finding one when he walked into the Sesame Street Alternative School and asked if they had any openings.
The director said they had one, but it was for the "short bus" driver and it was a tough route.
The man said he'd take anything, so he grabbed the list of kids to pick up and the keys and away he went.
He drove to the first house, and there was a very large girl standing on the corner. She got on the bus and said "Hi, I'm Patti!" The man said hello, explained he was the new bus driver and they drove to the next stop.
At the second stop, another very large girl was waiting. She got on and said "Hi, I"m Patti!" The bus driver introduced himself and thought "that's strange... they're both named Patti.... this is a weird route."
At the the third stop, a boy got on the bus. He got on and told the bus driver that everyone called him "Special Ross." "I wonder why?" the bus driver thought. On to the fourth stop.
There a young boy got on and said "Hey, man! I'm Lester T.!" The bus driver said "hello, Lester," and they were off to the school.
About halfway back, the bus driver smelled an awful smell, and looked up to see Lester with his shoes and socks off, and his feet propped up on the seat in front of him and picking at his toes....
The man drove back to the school and immediately quit, saying he could find a better job than "Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
SOS! Ungggggggggggggh-athon in progress here.
Bring blankets, tourniquets, teddy bears, fresh water, earplugs and SPARE KEYBOARDS....
A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
A man seeking immortality had himself cloned. It soon became obvious that the clone was flawed, as it did nothing all day but shout profanities and make rude gestures.
In a fit of desperation, the man pushed his clone off a cliff. He was immediately arrested for murder, but after review the charge was reduced to making an obscene clone fall.
[Freepmail me to get on or off this Not-A-Ping-List.]
Please.
Don't get Chas and Mike started.
ping
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Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry.
The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".
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Out far away in the Himalayas there was a small village that was constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.
The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased greatly after a few months of this, so, the chief of the village called forth the greatest hunter he could get and told him to hunt down and kill the medicrin.
So, after much talk, the hunter finally agreed to kill the medicrine. But the hunter, being smart, decided he would have to trap the monster to kill it, figuring he would get eaten if he faced it head on.
So he looked in his Himalayan monster field book and found out that medicrins like sugar, so he ordered all the villagers to dig a deep hole and fill it with all the sugar in the village.
Later that week, the medicrine came down to the village. When it went after it`s usual meal, it saw the pit of sugar, looked at it a moment, and then went after another villager.
After the medicrin left, the chief called up the great hunter, and scolded the hunter for failing, but the hunter convinced the chief to give him another chance, and the chief agreed.
The next day, the hunter looked back to his Himalayan monster field book and found that medicrins like loons even more than sugar.
So the great hunter went out, caught a loon, and placed it in the pit with the sugar. Now, it turns out that loons like sugar even more than medicrins, so the loon ate up all the sugar. So, a few days later the medicrine returned on time for it`s villager feast.
But, as it was heading for the village, the medicrin saw the pit with the loon. The medicrin immediately became hungry for loon, so it climbed down into the pit and at the loon. But, as soon as it finished the loon off, it fell over, deader than a doornail.
The moral of the story?
A loon full of sugar helps the medecrin go down.
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A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you, Thank you,
I'll be here all week!
Please remember to tip your waitress.
I laughed at this one: "Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive.""