[BJClinton]

Oh yeah, TGIF!

[BJClinton]

Lemmeneaux if you want on or off the OFST ping list!

[JimWforBush]

WooHoo, Gona' miss you B.

[Larry Lucido]

Top 10!

Okay, gotta run. Back later.

[cripplecreek]

[YouPosting2Me]

This thread is so much better than the ***Un-Official Friday Silliness*** thread.

(I'll drink to that) TGIF

[GraniteStateConservative]

You bubble-headed booby! You realize what you've done?

[ShadowAce]

From an e-mail I got this moring...

Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!

[CSM]

Sweet! Top 100!

[elc]

Makes me laugh everytime...

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

[day10]

Good morning all!!

An oldie but a goodie before I go into a meeting:

The Trailer Park Page

[The_Victor]

Title: Confuse-A-Cat
Transcribed by: Brittany K.
From: Monty Python's Flying Circus video volume 3


[HUSBAND (Michael Palin) and WIFE (Terry Jones) are in a country style modest lounge staring out of a window. The words, "Suburban Lounge Near Esher" flash onto the screen. They are looking at a cat sitting on the lawn, when we hear the sound of a car pull up. HUSBAND and WIFE go to the door]


HUSBAND: Oh good, that'll be the vet dear.


WIFE: I better go and let him in [She goes to answer the door]


WIFE: It's the vet dear.


HUSBAND: Very glad, indeed that you could come 'round, sir.


VET (Graham Chapman): Now what seems to be the problem? You can tell me, I'm a vet you know.


WIFE (Panicked): See, tell him, dear.


HUSBAND: Well…


WIFE (interrupting): …It's our cat. He doesn't do anything. He just sits out there on the lawn.


VET: Is it dead?


WIFE and HUSBAND: No, no.


VET: Thank god for that. For one ghastly moment I thought I was (dramatic pause) too late! (Looks into camera) If only more people would call in the nick of time!


WIFE: He just sits there all day and everyday.


HUSBAND: …and at night!


WIFE (to MAN): Shh!


WIFE: …almost motionless. We have to take his food out to him.


HUSBAND: …and his milk!


WIFE: Shh! He doesn't do anything, he just sits there.


VET: Are you at your wit's end?


WIFE: Diffidently (HUSBAND about to speak) Shh! Yes.


VET: I see then I think I might be able to help you. (He sits, and signals others to do so.) You see, your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia.
Absence of interest in his ambiance, what we vets call, "environment."
Failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli, a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird, to be blunt, your cat (takes of glasses) is in a rut. (HUSBAND and WIFE hold each other as they grow worried) It's the old stockbroker syndrome. The suburban fantasy, angst. Call it what you will.


WIFE: Moping. (as she cries)


VET: In a way, in a way. (face grows worried) "Moping", must remember that. Now then what's to be done? Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recently?


HUSBAND: Well we…


WIFE: Shh! No.


VET: Well, I can diffidently say that your cat badly needs to be confused.


HUSBAND: What?


WIFE: Shh! What?


VET: Confused, to be shaken out of its state of compliancy. I'm afraid I am not personally qualified to confuse cats but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card. (Hands HUSBAND a half sheet of paper; WIFE rips it out of his hands)


WIFE (reading with HUSBAND echoing): "Confuse a cat limited" Oh?


[Cut to the front of the house. A moving truck pulls up with "Confuse-A-Cat, LTD" written on it. Six people come out of the back of the truck and one with a clipboard comes from the front]


SERGEANT: Eyes front. Deck officers! Confusers! Huh!


[An old black car pulls up and a man in uniform, GENERAL (John Cleese) steps out. He addresses the team leader]


GENERAL: Ah now men we've got a pretty little cat to confuse. Jolly good, Captain.


CAPTAIN: Get out of the van [One of the movers tries to move] wait for it … get out the funny things! Move, move!


[Cut to backyard with crew constructing a stage with CAPTAIN barking orders at them. Often, a cut of the cat sitting is shown. Soon the crew is done and all line up for inspection of GENERAL. He gives the ok and confusing commences]


GENERAL: Right men. Confuse the (pause) cat.


[Cut to full shot of stage. All through out snare drum is used to mimic sounds. All throughout stop-motion filming is used to make things appear, disappear, or 'slide'.
Red curtains are drawn revealing a man (Michael Palin) with one leg and a crutch in colonial period dress. The man disappears and two boxers appear, Eric Idle in the YELLOW shorts and Michael Palin in BLUE shorts. As they box around a bowler hat appears on BLUE's head then YELLOW's head and back. The hat switches styles and is now a top hat. Then a fez is added. BLUE then is wearing a habit and YELLOW is wearing a hat with four corners. BLUE suddenly changes into a colonial style military uniform and knocks out YELLOW who 'slides' away. BLUE still wearing uniform 'slides' from stage left to right and back on one foot.
Then a CONSTABLE appears along with a PENGUIN on a pogo stick who hops clumsily around. A shot of CAT watching is shown. PENGUIN turns into a garbage can with a lid as YELLOW 'slides' off stage. CONSTABLE removes lid of can and YELLOW pops out of can. Cut to shot of MAN, LADY, and GENERAL watching, then CAT watching. Next a man with a TOWEL (Eric Idle) around him jumps out of can covering his chest and lands on a chair that appeared next to CONSTABLE. TOWEL jumps and disappears. CONSTABLE sits in chair. YELLOW points to a cannon that has appeared and it fires. CONSTABLE is gone.
TOWEL jumps out of can then is chased by PENGUIN. As YELLOW claps his hands TOWEL appears and disappears and is chased by PENGUIN. He appears out of a second garbage can. PENGUIN appears out of the first and hits TOWEL with a fish. Cut to CAT. Cut to stage were PENGUIN, CONSTABLE, TOWEL, a chef, and YELLOW are lined up and take a bow. They disappear as they jump up]


GENERAL: Hope to god it works. Anyway, we shall know any minute now.


[Cut to CAT standing and walking into the house past MAN, LADY, and GENERAL]


WIFE: Oh, I can't believe it!


HUSBAND: Neither can I, sir! It's just like to old days.


WIFE: He's cured thank you, General!


HUSBAND: What can we ever do to repay you?


GENRERAL (looks into camera): Nothing. It's all in a days work for Confuse-A-Cat. [Horns play bold music as credits roll by
"Confuse-A-Cat Limited
Incorporating
Amaze-A-Vole LTD.
Stun-A-Stoat LTD.
Puzzle-A-Puma LTD.
Startle-A-Thompson's Gazelle LTD.
Bewilderebeest INC.
Distract-A-Bee ]

[KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle]

What do these covers say to you...?

:)

[ArGee]

Thanks for taking over, BJ!

Please stay tuned for a series of silly memos.

Shalom.

[newfrpr04]

TGIF ! Customer Service Tips - for all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled.A single agent in Denver was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS> If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F***You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too.

[Hegemony Cricket]

WOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOO Top 1000!

BTW, have any of you heard about courderoy pillows?













They're making headlines all over!

[CharlieOK1]

This is the online journal of a black man who went over to Japan to teach english. Extremely funny stuff.

Kancho

A sample:

I wish I could say it stops there, but actually, it gets worse. Let me introduce you to a game Japanese kids like to play called "Kancho."

Actually, it's not so much a "game" as it is kids clasping their hands together, sticking out their first fingers, and shoving them up your butt. I'm really not joking.

You know, before we come to Japan, they tell us a lot of ultimately useless stuff. What kind of computer to bring, if our DVD's will work, clothing sizes, that kind of nonsense. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in the 3-4 months of orientations did anyone ever mention that at some point, a Japanese kid may try to stick their fingers up our butt. That's something I would have liked to know, personally.

It's called Kancho, and just about any kid can be a Kancho Assassin. Even the sweetest little girl may be prone to jam her fingers up your ass the second you turn around. This happened to one of my friends, which just goes to show - don't trust anyone. I'd say the little girls are the most dangerous cause they have natural ways of lowering your defenses.

I was pretty lucky. Before I came, I bought a really big, really baggy pair of pants. The kids try to Kancho...but they just have no idea where my ass is! It's beautiful! I had one kid try and find his fingers hit nothing but jean fabric and air. Yes! But I've actually gotten pretty good at dodging it, much like Spider-man I have developed a Kancho Sense that tells me where and when it's coming before it comes. I parry fingers like a pro. My record is still 100% Kancho Free. Ha! America 2, Japan 0.

[beyond the sea]

Cat vs, bird standoff

I took over the lives of two declawed cats............. someone passed them to me because they were balless....... the cats were 5 years old at the time....... I put them out in my five acres ..... very slowly over months.............they are loving it outside..........I love them............... they just surrounded a bird........food.......... no need for tuna today..... yet!

[Rightly Biased]

Thanks for grabbing the torch BJ,



Gonna miss ya B ya slacker

[The_Victor]

Caption time

I have to refuse to comment. Everything I can think of to caption with will get my post pulled.

[JimWforBush]

A Riddle

Schwartzenegger has a big one.


Michael J. Fox has a small one.


Madonna doesn't have one.


The Pope has one but doesn't use his.


Clinton uses his all the time.


Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.


Liberace never used his on women.


Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.


Cher claims that she took on 3.


We never saw Lucy use Desi's.


What is it? Answer below!






















The answer is:....... "A Last Name."