Posted on 07/22/2005 7:05:44 AM PDT by TheBigB
WOOOOO HOOOOO! YIPPEE-SKIP, and YABBA DABBA-DOO!!!!! It's FRIDAAAAAY! : ) Time for FRIDAY SILLINESS! As always, feel free to post jokes, silly pics, nonsensical statements, or even to IGNORE THIS THREAD!
The Census (SNL skit)
Census-Taker.....Tim Meadows Mr. Leonard.....Christopher Walken
Census-Taker: Mr. Leonard? I'm with the U.S. Census Bureau. We sent you a Census form, but you failed to return it to us.
Mr. Leonard: My mail is piled up like crazy.
Census-Taker: Yeah. Well, I just need to fill out this Census form with you. Uh.. how many people live in this residence?
Mr. Leonard:Oh, boy.. good question. I'm bad with numbers.. Maybe 80.
Census-Taker: 80 people live in this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Seems high, doesn't it? Not 80. How about 4? I don't know.. I'm so bad at guestimating..
Census-Taker: Well, just take your time, and count.
Mr. Leonard: Okay.. there's me.. my wife.. our plants.. we have some candy bars..
Census-Taker: Well, you know, we don't count candy bars or plants..
Mr. Leonard: Well, then, there's just the two of us. Boy, I really overshot with the 80!
Census-Taker: Listen, don't worry about it. I'm gonna put you down as the Primary Resident, okay? Now, are you currently employed?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.. part of the time.
Census-Taker: Well, you work part-time. How many days of the week?
Mr. Leonard: Every day.. but just part of the day. From 9 to 5.
Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?
Mr. Leonard: I wouldn't say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I'm just asleep. For hours. It's ridiculous.
Census-Taker: No, it's not that ridiculous. Mr. Leonard, do you own or rent this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Sure. You have to ask one of the other 79 people.
Census-Taker: You mean your wife?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.
Census-Taker: Well, can I talk to her, then?
Mr. Leonard: She won't answer you. She's a bobcat.
Census-Taker: You got a bobcat in there?
Mr. Leonard: Well, I have a permit. [ reaches into apartment and pulls out a sheet of paper ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to run a nail salon.
Mr. Leonard: Wrong one! Wrong one! [ pulls another sheet of paper out of his apartment ]
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to do street performances.
Mr. Leonard: Yeah. My wife's a big part of the act.
Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?
Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.
Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.
Mr. Leonard: Don't push your politics on me, pal. All's I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the "passport" ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examining "passport" ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, "You're over the hill. Here's a passport to Florida." This is not a real passport.
Mr. Leonard: I don't know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!
Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn't have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.
Mr. Leonard: Well.. it's a hell of a forgery!
Census-Taker: [ exasperated ] Okay, let's just proceed as if this were going really well. Now, how long have you lived at this address?
Mr. Leonard: Oh, man! There you go with the numbers again!
Census-Taker: Just take your time.
Mr. Leonard: Well, what do most people say?
Census-Taker: That's not important!
Mr. Leonard: I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get this right. I want to win that car!
Census-Taker: [ shaking his head ] There's no car, Mr. Leonard! How long have you lived here?
Mr. Leonard: Alright, when I moved in, it was the Spring, and Clinton was President.. I'd just gotten out of jail.. I'd say an hour.
Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer.
Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!
Census-Taker: You know what? I've talked to a lot of people all over this country.. and your life is pretty damn good. You wanna get a beer?
Mr. Leonard: You know, I'd love to, but.. [ points into apartment ] ..you know.. the ol' ball and chain..
Census-Taker: Alright. Take care.
Mr. Leonard: Have a good one. [ returns into the apartment to find his bobcat/wife growling at him ] Again?! We just did it!
"Friday! WAZZZZUPPPP?!"
*sigh*
My odometer just kicked over 'three zero' and my warranty just ran out.
I think I also have a recall notice or three.
*chuckle*
Ya know what cracks me up when youngun's start making fun of others ages?
Barring anything tragic, they TOO will one day be that age and think "WTF was a thinkin'!!?!"
:-D
>> go home and mow. Blecch. Cross your fingers I don't 'find' another yellow jacket nest. <<
OUCH!!!
Twelve? Actually, I'm 29 (thirty in two weeks. If you want to give me a present, my size is cash).
It may very well get better as you age, but who'd want to see it? I like a good meal like anyone else, but I wouldn't want to watch Sheets Byrd try to gum through some ribs.
Yuck.
Just kidding, we love you anyway.
Sweetie...I don't think its Helen Thomas trying to lure you into the Gingerbread House on this day......
LOL! I'm only 41, can stay out of the nursing home for a few more years?
Sorry if I called you "sweetheart". That's what us old women say to you youngsters!!!!
Why, thank you.
I've liked every age I've been. I want to try a few more before I decide which was the best.
For the youngsters: The good news is that--so far--they've all been better than the previous.
(I get to try out a new age in a couple of weeks! I can't wait!)
LOL!
I cracked wise to some kids of a family friend, told the larvae that when I was young I had to wrap barbwire around my bare feet for traction on the ice in winter while walking two miles uphill both ways.
I had been explaining what computers were like when I was young, they couldn't comprehend that there was a time before 'Pentium'.
Hey I was right. You were wrong, you owe me a beer!
Like I said,
In about 10 years, 49 won't look old at all,
but every word you post today will come back and bite ya one yer skinny butt.
;)
35 is no where near old! I'm 40 and I ain't old!
You are as old as you act, that would make me about 12. LOL!
So on your next birthday, you will have been an adult for as long as you were a child. Birthdays that end in 0 never bothered me. 36 felt more like a milestone.
What's with the butt comment? I keep telling you ladies that I'm married.
General rule of thumb is that women are like a fine wine.
Usually they get better with age.
The exceptions to the rule are obvious upon sight.
(Do NOT look at anything labeled 'pelosi', 'hillary', 'helen thomas' or similar... your eyes and mind will revolt.)
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