No More Super Woman

Just Me - Everyday/Blog ^ | 6-28-05 | Just Kimberly

[Just Kimberly]

Sometimes, the life of a Fibromite becomes very complicated. Whether it's the drugs, the symptoms, the mental incapacity, or maybe just trying to live your life as normally as possible - things get in the way. Things that I love so dearly - like writing and gardening, had all but come to a halt in my world over the past few weeks. The heat? Kids out of school? Who knows - but I was absolutely off-kilter.

I was beginning to believe the people around me who kept saying - 'you have to get off those drugs. What are you doing to your body? How can you take so much and still function? How do you know it's not the drugs that 's causing the problem? Do you think you are addicted?'

After hearing so much of that, then educating myself, learning about Nutrition, learning what mis-fired in my body to cause this condition - I truly began to believe what the 'un-educated' ones were telling me. Yep, even after I KNEW the truth - I was still blaming myself and began looking for a better way.

Now, I know that a certain combination of Nutrients are absolutely necessary to get the cells in my body back on track. I studied enough, experimented, and found what made me feel like I was on top of the world. The correct nutrition gives me energy beyond belief.

This energy is a good thing, but as I grew stronger, I decided it was time to get off the medicine because I didn't 'need' it. I am not an addict.

So, two weeks ago, I decreased my morphine to two pills a day, the valium twice a day, and the vicodine only in the morning and afternoon. For alot of people this still sounds like alot - but if you do not have FMS, it is impossible for you to understand.

I was doing great, and even got better with the vicodine. I got it down further, needing only the morning dose with the first morphine of the day. Nutrition up - drugs down, and energy through the roof.

Then I got stupid.

This past Sunday, I felt invincible, and decided to take the morphine down even further, once a day is really all I need, I thought, just enough to get the 'morning-walking-on-nails' symptoms to subside. Actually, I had made this decision the last time my prescription was up for renewal, and did not fill it - knowing I had enough for one a day until it was time for the next prescription date.

Bad move. From Sunday til today, I felt myself beginning to careen down a raging river of fear and pain, each step becoming slower, each movement more painful, and my mind unbelievably unable to concentrate. Withdrawal, I thought. Hang in there. You can do this. Bull!! Withdrawal to a point, but unless you have experienced the pain of FMS, there is really nothing on this earth to compare it to. Last night was a turning point, as the pain of FMS fell upon me like it had in the beginning - the flu-like achiness to the point of no position to be in , mental capacity functioning only at 'oh God, help me', and screaming at myself for not having taken it slower.

Today, I filled my morphine, and have reset my course to one in the morning and one at night, the valium twice a day, and the vicodine when I need it. Yes, the extra nutrition has brought me a long way, and I am living my life as I did before my 'fuse' blew 4 years ago, proof that what I put in my body makes a difference - but now I know FOR A FACT that FMS is real. p>

No doctor or person on this earth will ever convince me otherwise. Not that I really doubted it before, but when so many look at you as though you are a freak, and have NO understanding of this life we lead, it is difficult.

For what reason am I writing this? I know there are alot of fibro's out there who fall into the same trap I have. You begin to feel guilty about what your body needs to function. You feel guilty about the money you are spending to get the medication you must have, and you buy into the sneers and lies of 'it's an addiction - get off the meds'.

It simply is not true. Fibromyalgia is real. There is a cure, but it takes time, and cutting medication drastically and trying to stick it out, bear down and take it, only makes the pain worse - because we know stress makes the pain worse. What is more stressfull than fighting your body and denying it peace?

I am not SuperWoman. I try. I have raised two kids pretty much on my own, have worked hard inside and outside the home, taken care of countless animals and humans, and have always neglected myself. Everything I have learned through these past few years - I chose to throw away, pretending FMS was not real. It was not happening to me. But it is.

Today, I have a renewed sense of self, and a realization that I can increase the nutrition, decrease the drugs, and eventually become drug-free - but it is not going to happen overnight.

People sometimes spend months in de-tox to rid their systems of addictive drugs. I do not need that. I need to treat my body gently, and do what it takes for me to function everyday.

Vitamins, protein, calcium, lecithin, WATER, REST, and the medication I need for now. I will get there. And if you are suffering as I am, not just with the disease but with those around you - remember - they are not walking in your shoes. You are. And a painful walk it is.

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Such a powerful prayer. And so important when you have FMS.

[Just Kimberly]

I know we have some Fibromites among us. This rambling of mine may touch someone else - as you too, struggle to make sense of this crazy illness. God Bless, JK

[Archer24]

Having gone through 10 years of chronic Lyme disease I can understand a little of what you are saying. I DO admire your effort and pray for your recovery.

God bless, help, and keep you always.

Arch

[pubmom]

Prayers for you, I'm a massage therapist who works with fibromyalgia patients. The illness is very real, and very debilitating.

Most of the referrals I get are from MD's and Chiropractors, you might consider adding massage to your treatment if you haven't already.

[Just Kimberly]

Thanks guys for your kind words. Yesterday was such a bad day, but today I am reviving again!

The secret, is to not stay in the hole for long after I have fallen in!

Thanks again, JK

[Doctor Stochastic]

I would like to to mention that some people that I have known with fibromyalgia have actually had stomach ulcers (actually esophagal) and menopause. The pain wasn't localized from the ulcer. The menopause was just troublesome. These are two conditions (among others) to check on.

Not that fibromyalgia isn't a problem, just that diagnosis is not easy.

[Amore]

Good for you. You have to do what's best for you.
I, myself, don't tolerate pain well & I get really upset on the (rare) occasions where I am in a lot of pain, and the medicine I'm given isn't strong enough to counter the pain. I'm definitely one of those who cannot heal as well if I'm in pain while I'm trying to get well.

Good luck to you!

[Just Kimberly]

Thank you both for your kind words.

Doctor - you are absolutely right - and that is precisely one of the things which has made FMS so difficult. The only way to test is to 'rule-out' , and through research, I have found there to be MANY accompanying illnesses.

I read one study which suggested that menopause could precipitate FMS due to the Hormonal changes taking place in the body.

Those changes cause the 'fuse' to blow, and the dance begins.

It was indeed terribly difficult to settle on this diagnosis for me. Other than my excrutiating pain - I had no other symptoms but the fevers that often go with it.

I did and do have a multitude of the other illnesses that tag along - TMJ, Endometriosis, peri-menopause, etc. It has not been easy.

I have ulcers - and your writing made me see the cycle. Stress causes certain hormones to kick in, which triggers a flood of symptoms, and over time, ulcers are caused through excess stomach acid from stress. The triggers start the body on the road to 'blowing' the FMS 'fuse'. It is very clear when you think of it that way.

I will add this to my research list and include it on my blog. Great info. Amore, thank you - and even though my pain threshold is higher than most - THAT fact made the diagnosis harder to reach, and the FMS so hard to understand. And you are correct - I too, have a hard time healing or relaxing or ANYTHING when the pain is that bad. The Flu achiness multiplied times 100 - or so it felt.

I am happy to report I am doing well with two morphine tabs a day, have cut the vicodine back to a few and put Ibuprofen in its place, and use the valium for sleep. That is - as long as I have taken the vitamins I need!

Thank's guys, for being so kind. When I threw this post out there, I honestly expected to be bashed, as I have before - but this time I did not care. Alot of people are suffering like me, and it can't stay taboo forever! God Bless you both, and I hope you had a wonderful Independance Day! JK

[Doctor Stochastic]

Ibuprofen can make an ulcer worse. Morphine (which I only took during a heart "problem" that turned out to be nothint) is really one of the best painkillers in terms of side effects.

Most (if not all) ulcers can be treated with anti-biotics. They taste terrible (really) but it's worth it. Then you could look at other problems. (I'm not a medical doctor though; you should check with a professional.)