C'mon over! :o)
Congratulations! You Are The Proud Parent of a Teen Daughter - the instruction book!
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? Your teenage daughter did come with a required training regimen. For you!! In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there! If you cannot find her, you just haven't finished your training (which of course your daughter already knows).
(Now with even nastier puppet sex)
-Eric
Alkali Ike's Zippers
"Now speakin' of Zippers," sez Alkali Ike,
"Them zippers is sumpthin' I really don't like.
I aimed to buy clothes like I always had wore,
Till I started a lookin' around in the store.
They had some new shirts and some new overalls,
That fastened with zippers, no buttons aytall.
I reckoned that clothes with a riggin' like that
Would be fine fer the boys on the Alkali Flat.
Because where there's alkali water to drink,
Things may happen sooner than what you might think.
So I got me some clothes that was rigged up like that,
And went back to my camp on the Alkali Flat.
Next mornin' I'd traveled fer mebby a mile,
When the time come to give them new zippers a trial.
I grabbed at the handle and give 'em a jerk
But holey old golden, them zippers don't work.
I swear and I sweat, I am shore out of luck.
I've started it crooked, the zipper is stuck.
I fuss and I pull till I git the thing straight,
Then the zipper it works, but a little too late.
The next thing I do is to throw them new garments
Up onto a cactus fer ants and fer varmints.
And I reckon that buttons is safer at that,
Fer the fellers that lives on the Alkali Flat.
-Bruce Kiskaddon
Already? It's Friday?
Oy vey,
I need more coffee.
After seeing ROTS, you'll have to demote Vader - he's just a mixed up kid. Darth Sidious is the ultimate, Machiavellian badass...he's everything the Left accuses Bush of being. ;)
*yo son's name is Luke. I have been hearing "I'm Your Father, Luke" quite often since he was born! LOL!
This is cute! Watch what happens after you send it on!
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"