Posted on 05/04/2005 4:51:43 AM PDT by genefromjersey
SPECIAL BULLETIN !!
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front.
The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as downpayment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Kroger grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan,including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
DRUM ROLL PLEASE
(Go all the way to the end!)
(Ready?)
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGERS"
If the foo sh*ts, wear it!
Being from Jersey, why was it not Shop-Rite, Acme or Key Food? This pun is showing Ohio roots naming Kroger's as the supermarket. (:-D
...but no pun in 10 did.
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
And...the second part: Don't know his name either, but he sure is a dead ringer for his brother.
Well done!
Corny, but it made me laugh none the less.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
"Two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester G picking bunyons on a Sesame Street bus!"
The third guy says to St. Peter, "So get this... here I am, hiding in a refrigerator..."
"Bill Clinton's? Oh, we're using that in the office as a fan."
What did she write for the autograph when you snagged it?
The whole "joke" (a triple pun): If I kick the orchestra conductor in the gounods, it'll make his pekka sor.
I didn't ask.
Some other twit of a lady came over and fawned over her and, not kidding, had to ask Helen her name. . .all the lady could remember was that Helen badgered Reagan and Bush and wanted her to keep at it.
I swear, in life Helen is as ugly on the outside as she is on the inside.
Cheers
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.