Posted on 04/28/2005 8:05:00 AM PDT by NeedAdvice
Okay, to start off I want everyone to know that I am not a troll. I have been a FReeper for about 2 years under a different username. The nature of the advice I need is kind of personal, and I would like to stay anonymous if possible. If you really, really, really just HAVE to know who I am, FReepmail me and I will tell you my other login.
I also apologize for any bandwidth or server space that creating a new account for one thread will cause, and if the Mods want to delete I understand.
That being said. . . .
All of this Laura Ingraham news lately has reopened some old wounds that I have with my wife. She absolutely REFUSES to get an annual exam. The last PAP she had was when she was pregnant with our last kid in 2002. She had two during the pregnancy that came back irregular. The first one was before we moved across country, and the second was by a different doctor after we moved. I got laid off, which was one of the main reasons we moved, so during the second half of the pregnancy I was on unemployment and she was on Medicaid. Well, Medicaid stops covering the mother 3 months after the baby is born, so she never followed up on it. She wasn't insured until about 6 months ago when she got insurance through her job.
During the 2 1/2 years of no insurance, she started reading a lot of natural healing type books and getting into supplements and vitamins. I think it was her way of dealing with the stress of the unknown. She has developed a distrust of 'Western Medicine'. She has told me that she will most likely never go to a doctor again. We have gotten into a number of arguments about the subject and I have always just hoped that she will come around.
We are devout Christians and whenever I mention getting checked out, she says that what I should be doing is praying for her, not arguing with her. I have no doubt in the power of prayer. What I do doubt is her ability to "feel" that she is all healed and better now.
The news of Laura has brought this argument back up again. We have three children. I don't want to lose my wife, and I certainly don't want my children to go motherless.
What I am asking for is prayer and advice. I know I can't force my wife to go get a PAP, but what should I do? Am I overreacting? Has anyone had any similar situations?
I know that everyone is thrilled that another non-political vanity is being posted. But like I said, at this point I want to keep this private before I start asking the advice of friends or family or church members.
Right off the top I would point out that the lord helps those who help themselves. Also there's the fact that you only want her to do it because you love her. Frankly I would say that she's being unfair to you.
I think they say that the Gospel of Luke is written by Luke the Physician ...... If God figured that a physician was good enough to write the Gospel, then a physician is good enough to look over this woman.
You got mail
You will never convince her to do anything. She has to decide to do it on her own. Your only recourse to force the exam will destroy the relationship you have. You can beg; you can plead. Pray alot. But otherwise, you're kinda stuck. There's nothing in this world more stubborn than a woman.
\My mom refused to go to the doctor on the grounds that "you go to the doctor and they tell you you have cancer and you die." Well, she ignored symptoms and ended up finally having to be rushed to the hospital where the doctor told her that she had cancer. Had she gone when the symptoms started, the treatment would have been far easier and less invasive.
You can't make your wife take care of herself. You can't force her to go to the doctor.
It almost makes me think she's afraid of something.
Where does that come from?
Maybe you can find some local holistic/naturalist type of person who is also against western medicine, to convince her that it is still a good idea to get checked out. Most of the naturalists I have known believe that its ok to get checked out the "western" way, its the treatment that they disagree with. Ok, thats cool. First things first.
I went as far as to find a female GYN for her yesterday and make an appointment for her in June. She was not very happy with me doing that, and maybe I overstepped a little, but I love her.
As a woman I can tell you that a good way to present your "argument" to her is like this: Honey, I know we've discussed this before and you probably just shut down when I bring it up, but I want to stress to you how important it would be for you to get a follow-up test done. After all, it's better to know and deal with things upfront. It might be good news and then we can rule it out and go on. On the other hand, if it isn't, we will go through whatever comes our way...together. If it were me, you would insist. I'm not insisting, I'm asking you for the health and welfare of our relationship to have some tests done to rule things out. I need you in my life and don't want to lose you.
You've gotta be kidding. If demanding your wife goes to a Dr. destroys your relationship,it's a pretty damn shaky relationship to begin with. What is wrong with you men? It's easier to just give in then make the difficult decisions? Ridiculous.
Having spent 2 weeks in Burma last summer, where my 10 month old baby almost died of bronchitis, (we flew him to Bangkok where he could get "Western" medicine) I have a fond feeling for Western medicine and I believe that folk remedies are mostly harmless at best, but downright dangerous in some cases.
Some doctors will not object use of herbs and such if they are kept informed and don't see any ill effects. See if you can get her to compromise - get the tests and treatment she needs but let her keep doing the herb thing.
Pray as if everything depended upon God,
Work as if everything depended upon you.
I too, distrust western medicine after my wife was severly injured with the Hep vaccine, which she did not need.
And the nutrition stuff DOES work, especially flavanoinds wrt to cancer and so on.
So your arguement to her might be a sophisticated use of medicine. -Diagnoistic only. Then and only then would choose the best treatment option, which could include elements of alternative medicine that has been backed up by research ( sometimes in europe, not necessarily the FDA)
No, you are not over reacting. Your wife's responsibility is to take care of herself for her family's sake. God lead some people to become doctors, nurses, etc for just this reason.
What I would suggest is that you try to get at the root cause of her fear. Ask her why she feels this way, find out what she is afraid of...and really listen. It won't come out right away, but keep after her. Whatever the reasons are behind her reluctance, if you demonstrate that you love and cherish her without arguing or getting angry, eventually the truth will emerge.
Then you must respect her decision...although reminding her often of how dear she is to you may well wear her down and she will get tested.
Just one woman's advice...
And one more thing...what about your childrens' health care? is he going to deny them?
That's kinda what I told her. There are no chemicals or pills you have to take to get a PAP and an exam. Thanks for your advice.
My opinion? Give your wife an ultimatum. If she won't take care of herself, then how can she expect you (her husband) and the kids to stay by her side when she ignores reality? She is being extremely selfish.
"Where does that come from?"
To tell the truth I'm not real sure but it's good advice just the same.
Prayer is a commendable thing, but I think we err in attempting to use it as a practical means of manipulating the Almighty, as if He were simply another natural entity that human intellect can control for our own day-to-day purposes.
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