Posted on 03/23/2005 6:52:10 PM PST by John Robertson
Fat chicks with big hair stand out like an elephant at a flamingo farm.
I didn't know that till I read it here. I read this here, too, in response to someone who was making too fine a point on something: My, my, picking pepper out of flyshit, aren't we?
What are the coolest expressions you know? The greatest folksy putdowns? The wish-I'd'a-said-that comebacks. The most colorful damned American ways of saying things?
Care to share? I would very much like to liven up my smartmouth. Thank you, folks.
And for those of you who got nothin'...please refer back to the title. Just kidding: I heard that on FR too.
LOL I like drunk funnies.
"If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people; how do you think we got you and your sister?"
I think I heard this on tv.
"My girl is so ugly we used to tie a porkchop around her neck just to get the dog to play with her"
Best I could think of at short notice:
"This is harder than Michael Jackson in a playground"
"You're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents"
I did not realize that Old Dan Tucker was an actual song..I remember when watching 'Little House on the Prairie', in the beginning, when the Ingalls family first met Mr. French, that Mr. French always used to sing that song to amuse the Ingalls girls...I thought it was just some song made up, strictly for that TV program...thanks for the verses, and chorus...
Terrific, thanks.
My grandfather was a fount of wisdom. He taught me how to whittle on the pump house stoop and one day I lost his knife. When I finally told him about it, he told me, "Don't worry about it, we'll find it the last place we look."
And of course we did and it took me many years to realize both the value of his patience and assuming the risk with me. Not to mention the futility of looking beyond finding your goal.
He also told me the story about all the famous inventors who gathered to decide what had been the greatest invention of all time and after all of the standard ones, it was accepted that the Thermos was the greatest...but many scoffed at the idea; after all, all a thermos does is keep things hot or cold...and the answer is, But how do it know?
"Boy, it'll take you two trips to haul *ss".
Ha...I am thrilled to see someone else say 'Pennsyltucky' instead of Pennsylvania...my dad was born in Philadelphia, and grew up there...his dads family was all from there....but his moms family were all from Frenchtown, New Jersey, just about 60 miles from Philly, just across the bridge over the Delaware River...so he spent all his summers in Frenchtown...
Dad always, always, called Pennsylvania, 'Pennsyltucky'...I dont know why, thats just the way it was...eventually, he wound up in Chicago, married mom, and had us kids...and we all said, 'Pennsyltucky'...but we always thought it was just dads silly way of playing with language...
Many, many years later, when I had grown up, and had my own children, and wound up with my hubby and kids in Washington State, I was working in a nursing home...one of my fellow employees and I were talking, and all of a sudden, I just blurted out that my dad was from 'Pennsyltucky'...well, by the expression of her face, I thought she was going to correct me...much to my happy surprise, she said, good grief, your family must be from Pennsylvania...she said she was from 'Pennsyltucky, and that she and all her relatives always called it 'Pennsyltucky'...hello there, fellow Pennsyltuckian...
Now, heres another one for you...whenever my dad talked about a 'creek'...he never pronounced it as such...he always pronounced, it as 'crick'....and I have always done the same...it used to drive my younger son nuts...he could not understand, why I insisted on saying 'crick' instead of creek...it was just how I grew up...
Then, we were watching some sort of educational program, where the discussion was about different colloquial sayings, and different ways that various words are pronounced in different parts of the country...the speaker said, that in parts of Oregon and Washington State, the word creek, is pronounced as 'crick'...that just drove my son up the wall...because the whole time we lived in Chicago, and then later in North Carolina, I always said, 'crick'....then we move out to Washington State, and out here, apparently, many of the locals say 'crick'....
Once when I was in the hospital, the doctor there, asked me where I was from as he noted that my accent(I was no aware of having an accent)was something he had never heard, and he could not figure out where I was from...well, I told him, I was raised by a mom, from the midwest, along with father from the east coast....then I lived in North Carolina for several years, and undoubtedly that influenced my speech...and then onto years on Washington State....so the midwest, the east coast, the south, and the west coast, all have blended together to give me a really odd way of talking, I guess..
So proud to say, I will always say, 'Pennsyltucky', and 'crick'...it may be incorrect, but its me...
We used to sing the song when I was in school. It was one of my favorites. I used to have it memorized.
Could be from the song, "Old Dan Tucker"
Old Dan Tucker was a fine old man
Washed his face in a frying pan
Combed his hair with a wagon wheel
Died of a tooth ache in his heel
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Do I look like a people person?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative.
Employee Job Evaluations:
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity
...[s]he's got a hole in the screen door,...and the flies are gettin' in,... ...tighter than a crab's a**,...and that's water tight... ...couldn't pour stale beer out of an old boot if the instructions were printed on the heel
There was a song, my Grandad sang it:
Old Dan Tucker was a fine old man
Washed his face in a frying pan
Combed his hair with a wagon wheel,
Died with a toothache in his heel.
Git out the way, fer old Dan Tucker
He's too late to eat his supper.
That's all I remember of the song, but there were several verses. It might be on line somewhere.
The one I always use is "...she looked like she had her hair styled with a weedwhacker (or lawnmower)."
"He's so slow you need to stand a stick up next to him to tell if he's moving."
Sharp as a bowling ball...
Duh, finished reading this thread, Old Dan Tucker is all over it!
My favorite put downs are, "Be sure and come back when you can stay longer," and "Bless your heart."
"My parents loved me so much they gave me a live teddy bear to play with."
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