Let the silliness begin!
Fortune for today: Your winsome smile will be your sure protection.
Ping! *sniffle*
The difference between an Irish wedding and anIrish Funerial is?
One less drunk.
Does Willie Green know you're outsourcing?
You think you've got it bad? I've been sick all week. Latest symptom: a headache that makes it seem as though my brain is larger than my skull. Not the inside of my skull, mind you...
it's about time!
*****
"I think for me, the sickest and scariest kind of rage is the Hillary Clinton kind of rage. You know, the perpetual permafrost smile she wears that's hiding a well of fury deeper than Barry White's voice during a bout of pneumonia."
"What can you say about Hillary Clinton that hasn't already been muttered under somebody else's breath?" -- Dennis Miller
I'm in with my Benedryl Sinus & Allergy meds.
Let the silliness begin!
Fortune for today: Your winsome smile will be your sure protection.
Am I on the right bus? We are headed for Hooterville right?
So, a nurse goes into the doctor's office and tells him "Doctor, there's an invisible man waiting for you in the waiting room."
The doctor tells her "Tell him I can't see him right now."
A singles bar.
Why was Michael Jackson's latest album release delayed?
He got a little behind.
-Eric
Velcome to da Lutern Airlines! Da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesnowta vit service to Visconsin, Nort Dah-kota and sometimes Sout Dah-kota.
Ve are a no-frills ariline. We are all in da same boat on Lutern Air, vere flying is an uplifting experience, so velcome aboard. I am Lena Ingvist, yer flight attendant and stewardess, tew.
As you know, dere is no first class on Lutern Airlines, airflight tew tousand tventy tew. Meals are pot luck: rows 1 tru 6 ver to bring da lefsa; 7 tru 15, da salad, 16 tru 21, da main hot-dish, and 22-30 da rommegrot.
Ve vill be singing 99 bottles uv beer on da vall, so basses and tenors pleess sit in da rear of da aircraft, and remember everyvun is responsible for der own baggage.
All fares are free-vil offering and the plane vil not land until da budget is met.
Direct yer attention to yer flight attendent who vill acqvaint yew wit da saftety system aboard this Lutern Tvin Yet 599.
Okay, den listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vunce. In da event of sudden loss uv cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised, so vill Captain Olsson, becuz ve vill be flying right around 2 tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure vud prolly indicate the Second Coming or somting of dat nature, so I vuldn't bodder vit dem little masks on dem rubber tubes. Yer gonna have bigger tings to vorry about dan yust dat. Just stuff dose tings back up in der littl holes. Prolly da masks fell out because of turbulence, which to be honest wit yew, we've been flying at 2 tousand feet and dat is sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a vile, you vill get used to it.
In da ewent of a vater landing, I'd say yust fergit it. Start saying Da Lord's prayer and yust hope you have time to git to da part about forgive us our sins as ve forgive dose who sint against us (vich some people say "tresspass against us", vich isn't right., but den, vat can ya dew? )
Use uv cell phones is strictly forbidden, not becuz dey interfere vit the planes navigational system, vich, by da vay, is "seat of the pants all da vay". No, cell phones is a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant yew to use dem, he vould have put yer mout on da side of yer head, so stow dose suckers!
Ve're gonna start lunch, buffet style vit da coffee pot up front. First, ve'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket right in front of yew. Don't take yers wit you ven you go or I am going to be real upset wit yew, and I ain't kiddin' edder!
So lets say grace:
Come Lord Jesus, be our gest, and let dese gifts tew us be blest. Fadder, Son and Holy Ghost, May ve land in Dulut or pretty close
Amen
Tanks for flying Lutern Airlines, flight tew tousand tventy tew....
Sorry to hear you're ill. Get well soon!
Please take me off your ping list, if what you have is contagious.
(you do know I'm kidding,right?)
Should I be concerned about Dihydrogen Monoxide?
Yes, you should be concerned about DHMO! Although the U.S. Government and the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) do not classify Dihydrogen Monoxide as a toxic or carcinogenic substance (as it does with better known chemicals such as hydrochloric acid and saccharine), DHMO is a constituent of many known toxic substances, diseases and disease-causing agents, environmental hazards and can even be lethal to humans in quantities as small as a thimbleful.
http://www.dhmo.org