*** OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD ***

3/18/05 | TheBigB

[TheBigB]

Howdy, gang! Wish I were a bit more up for today, but I'm trying to fight off a (Ah-CHOO!) cold. :^) Anyway. I'll leave it up to you all to post stuff, because I think I'm about to head home for the day. Have fun and enjoy! And thanks to Fierce_Allegiance for getting last week's thread running in my absence. I'll be back up to full strength next week. I promise. :^)

[MEG33]

Thanks for the ping! LOL!

[fishtank]

Looks like this was taken in Russia.

[llevrok]

I'm not concerned about water. :^)I am when it is in my whiskey

[peacebaby]

gude von!

[thag]

Ya wanna sniffles ping? Cause I have 'em too....

(((Achooo)))

[peacebaby]

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

[thag]

Thanks, PB!

Thag is off work next week...as opposed to what he normally does...so have a great week!

[Bahbah]

Ya wanna sniffles ping? Cause I have 'em too....

Can I catch it from the 'net? :)

[The_Victor]

LOL! The joke in my house is when we set the table, we place the fork on the left, and the spoon on the right on the outside of the screwdriver.

[thag]

Let's all hope not!

[Fierce Allegiance]

Bwahahaha, it was a female posting a a pic of a female to have the first pulled post of the thread!

[Zacs Mom]

Dang! I used all my duct tape on a



computer room in the basement!

[llevrok]

So with my bad heart, I go to see a specialist. It is a Chinese doctor with a very good reputation. He gives me a complete physical including a prostrate exam. Looking "there" he advises, "You have a bad case of the zacley's!!!"

"What are the zacley's???!!", I ask

"Ahh so! Your heart is ok but you face looks "zackly" like you butt!"

[beyond the sea]

The horse hardly noticed!

And, what a sh*theaded thing to do!

[Sergio]

Please excuse the length of the post. Please excuse some of the language, but it does add to the "flavor" of the joke. It's been seen before, but It makes me laugh every time I see it, so here goes.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE

Notes from an inexperienced Chili Tester named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

[peacebaby]

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

[fredhead]

From a post earlier today... TGIF!!!! MORE BEER!!

[Fierce Allegiance]

FORWARDED IN THE NAME
OF PATRIOTISM

We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Sunday at 4:00 PM Eastern time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your antiterrorist sentiment.

The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.


God bless America

[Fierce Allegiance]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin,
age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --
Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
grossed out.
-
Theodore, age 8

(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10