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Posted on 03/16/2005 9:32:16 PM PST by Dan from Michigan
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?" "Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"
Kennedy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of California." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Cork would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for California!"
An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman ans says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''
Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.
May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.
Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beerand another one!
Here's to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet!
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
Don't forget "The Breastplate of St. Patrick"
It's a hymn with words translated from the Gaelic by Cecil Frances Humphreys Alexander in 1889, and music of "St. Patrick" by Charles Villiers Stanford in 1902.
Words and music at www.leannepayne.org/home/stpatrickmenu.php?view=hymn, among other sites.
Since we're posting song lyrics, here's one of my favs:
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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
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After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
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Well now, you see it's like this....
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.
In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....
So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.
The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.
If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?
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An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes." Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?" "Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?" The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
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Seamus was walking along the coast of Galway early one morning with a bit of a sore head when he tripped over something in the sand. Reaching down, he picked up a lamp and starting rubbing it. There was a huge crack of thunder, an awesome amount of smoke, and lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"Mornin' boyo," said the genie. "For releasing me from two thousand years of bondage, I'll be grantin' ya three wishes."
"Isn't this grand," said Seamus. "Can I have a pint of Guinness?"
"Sure of course ye can," said the genie. And poof! a pint appeared in Seamus's hand. Seamus starting sipping away at the pint. "For the love o' Jaysus, this has to be the best pint I've ever been tasting."
"Of course it is," said the genie. "I'm an Irish genie, after all, and I do know a bit about pints. Now, let's get on with business. You've got two more wishes left, and I haven't got all day!"
"Now just be bidin' yer time," said Seamus. "I want to enjoy me pint."
"Ah," said the genie. "That's a magic pint."
"And what do ye be meanin' by that?" asked Seamus.
"Well," said the genie, "as soon as it's done, it'll fill right back up again just as good as the first."
"Is that so," said Seamus, finishing off the pint. Sure enough, back up it came, and when he tasted it, it really was every bit as good.
"Now," said the genie, "about those other two wishes?"
"Ah," said Seamus, "I'll have two more o' these!"
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A Happy Saint Patrick's Day to one and all!
THANKS T. HAPPY SAINT PATTY'S DAY TO ALL
I can't drink Guiness. Any suggestions on how to drink it? Other than not being a weenie? (Mr. Melbell can't drink it either)
I've got a corned beef boiling right now, potatoes and cabbage to follow.
Anyone have any ideas for a finish on the corned beef? I was thinking of a honey mustard glaze and toss it under the broiler for a few minutes.
I've got a corned beef boiling right now, potatoes and cabbage to follow.
Anyone have any ideas for a finish on the corned beef? I was thinking of a honey mustard glaze and toss it under the broiler for a few minutes.
A man walks into a pub in Dublin for the first time. After finding a seat, he orders three pints of Guinness.
When they arrive, he drinks all three, by himself, taking a sip out of each pint in turn. He does this every day for a week, after which time the bartender works up enough nerve to suggest that the beer might be fresher if he ordered them one at a time. The man laughs and explains that he is one of three brothers, one of whom lives in Australia and the other in America.
The day they split to go their separate ways, they promised that they would each drink this way to remember the happy days they had together in Dublin. At that, the bartender nods his head approvingly. The man becomes a regular at the bar and he always drinks his Guinness in the same way: three pints drinking them each in turn.
One day in late February, the man looking rather somber comes into the pub and orders only two pints of beer. The bartender and other regulars notice the missing pint and guess its significance something must have happened. After the man finishes his two beers, the bartender approaches him and says, "I dont want to interrupt you in your time of sorrow, but since you are such a faithful customer, I feel that I should offer you my condolences. I am sorry about your brother."
The man looks momentarily confused and then says, "Oh, oh no, no cause for grief. My brother hasnt died. Ive just given up beer for Lent."
Nope, no beer here today.
Yeah, like I'd waste good money on corned beef instead of beer.
Aside from that, don't drink it too cold. Just slightly above room temp is about perfect.
Freak.
Glad someone finally noticed!
>I can't drink Guiness. Any suggestions on how to drink it?
Give your tastebuds a workout with some habanero peppers first.
After those, everything either tastes good or has no taste at all.
Be warned, however, the following morning you'll likely have to unleash the dobermans at the back gate.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
They just started importing it to the USA. They only sell it by the barrel so you'll need to stop by your favorite Irish pub and ask for a pint!
Class stuff! Happy Paddy's Day!
BTTT!
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